John, You have been here all 2 years, you know I have been "In" from day 1.
At this point, my head is OUT. My heart is still split 60% out, 40% in. I am working to eradicate the 40%. Hence the counselor and the books. I don't know how you flip the switch.
One day I will think of all the sh!t he has pulled, imagine him having sex with the women he cheated on me with, remember the lies, the time I texted him in KC because I had the MRSA superbug thing in my back, it had been sliced open and packed, and I texted him bc I was crying it hurt so bad and I wanted him to come home and help me with the kids. He didn't come home until 1 am cause he was with her...
In those moments I am 100% out and I want to just erase him from my life. But then I don't know what happens, he will come by to visit and make some witty banter-type comment to me and I hear myself starting to tease back like old times? Wtf...
Should I focus on those negatives and let myself be mad at him? But mad is still an emotion, I don't know how to just feel indifferent yet but I am welcome to suggestions.
I know, I am a mess! But I am working to get mentally and physically stronger every day.
Last night I gave him the February calendar. So we really shouldn't even have anything to communicate about except if there is a kid-related emergency.
