Good and bad - Good - H continues to try to keep his tone calm. I notice him catching himself and turning it around - I don't know if he even notices he does it. Yesterday he was here to play with S for a couple hours and he was darn right nice. I had bought him a bag of coffee from Costco - and he complained right off the bat about how that was a crappy brand. Well this is how he usually is, and it' painful. He actually said, "I shouldn't complain, that was nice of you, thank you." He tasted it and said it was actually really good.
THAT WAS A HUGE TURN AROUND. Now if he can only keep it up...
Tonight he came over. Usually when I cook he complains or just says he will cook his own food. I had made him a light eggplant bake because I know he's on a healthy diet. Instead of rejecting it he was happy and ate nearly the whole thing!
Also at one point I heard him raising his voice with S, something that has been bothering me for some time. Usually when I bring it up, he dismisses me, or worse yet tells me how WRONG my method is. He actually said he'd stand back and listen to how I discipline S. He did, I was able to calmly set the boundaries with S, and H did not fight with me over it.
THIS IS ALSO HUGE.
I also need this to continue...
Now the bad -
H said he remembers very little these days. Here I am trying not to obssess over every little thing we say and do to each other, and he can't remember anything. I noted he seemed to be feeling better since the weekend and he said he couldn't even remember - you know, all that stuff with the car break in, the near car accident, etc? All the yelling at S and I so we had to leave the house? Remember all that trauma that he felt and caused us to feel?
No, he doesn't remember.
This infuriates me.
And, he's "going away" for his birthday weekend - do I fear an OW? You bet. I have no proof. LR would say don't mindread. I am getting to the point where I'm almost too tired to care. I'm so depressed at everything I've gone through this year, that wouldn't be the worse of it anymore. I'm so traumatized and sad over all the hurtful things he's done I just don't think and OW would make it that much worse. I think it's been the worse it can be.
Oh well, he still wears his wedding ring, and we're separated, not divorced. What can I say I doubt it's over.
Fantastic changes H4L the fact he is thinking about things even if it is a few minutes after he has engaged mouth is a big big break through. Even if it benefits S and not so much you although Im sure it will do, he really has got to learn to control his temper/rage/indignation that life does not revolve H!
Poo hoo to the he cant remember hes not old enough for Altzeimers yet he is as we say "having a giraffe" believe me he remembers but allow a bit for the embarrassment factor, if you read my recent post you can see my H avoids some things whic quite frankly probably make him feel a muppet! Maybe one day they will acknowledge things but dont go holding your breath!
Well been there done that on the I have enough go "F" yourself tshirt, its good it means that they havent got such a strong handle on you anymore, you are your own woman and amen to that and celebrate it rather than bemoan it.
Wedding rings well you know mine doesnt wear his and talks about it like a flipping ball and chain, that hurts me like hell but he still continues not too, to me it proffesses loudly that he doesnt want to own up to being married.. But ODP (me) just plays with his wedding finger known again, and quietly makes the point it means a lot to me again thats another one day thing, in fact thats a anniversary thing so Ive got four more months to work on that one lol!
Nets back on at home so back in the land of the living again!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
So today I'm just keeping those wedding rings in mind to keep my PMA. I am lucky for that and I'm lucky he's separating, but not divorcing.
And you're right LR - it could be embarassment. H has a huge insecurity around coming across perfect so "forgetting" could be a defense mechanism against facing feelings of shame, guilt, who knows. I think it's true in your H's case too. He's too embarassed to admit his vulnerable feelings. Remember men are sometimes like this (sorry to assume, guys) and aren't we all at some points?
A bit of crazy this morning. S has a tantrum on the way out the door - I feel frustrated b/c we're going to be late. H pops his head out the door and says, "I need you to speak calmly to S. Getting in a shouting match with him won't help."
I laughed internally and said, "Are you telling me what I told you last night?" then decided I would role model how I want to be treated and said, "Thanks for the reminder."
What I was screaming in my head was "REALLY? ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU DO ON AN ALMOST CONSTANT BASIS? ISN'T THAT THE REASON I HAD TO REMOVE S FROM THE HOUSE THE OTHER NIGHT? YOU'RE TELLING ME THIS?"
But ODP was in full gear.
And the positive is, he's getting that this is the way to discipline S, instead of telling me my way is WRONG. He must have heard me last night. Still childish he has to turn it immediately on me to say, "See? You do it too>" on the other hand, I didn't realize I was raising my voice. I do appreciate the reminder if I'm losing my cool.
It just gets my goat coming from Mr. Screamer.
But if in the end S gets two parents who are reminding each other (and themselves) to discipline calmer, that's great.
Maybe I can work this into our relationship too as it's my greatest need to feel safe that H can be calm.
Tough to swallow our pride in these sitches sometimes isn't it? So hard to take any kind of criticism from a WAS, especially if it reflects on something they have done themselves. Yeesh... no wonder we have gone down several sizes on the LBS diet! Who can eat when we gotta manage all the s^*t all the time! lol
You did good modeling how you want him to act towards you! You'll very soon be able to keep the first knee jerk comment inside and only give the proper Stepford replies. Seriously tough, good job!
I know with myself that when I get all wound up when my S is being a PITA, it causes him to spiral into behaving even worse. I'm a redheaded Italian, so I do have a temper. LOL. 95% of the time I'm good, but some days he pushes every last button and I'm not proud of how *I* behave that 5%. I seriously had doubts we would live through the "*cking fours" last year. Give me a dozen two year olds anytime!
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
@RW - yesh, it's crazy. He started raising his voice tonight at S again and when I brought it up, swears it's totally different than what he was telling me this morning. WTF????? I swear our MC is mostly a translator!
@Freckle - lol! Stepford replies? Shoot me now, please. -what is PITA? -Yeah, the fours were awful! Two was a breeze - they can't talk back at that age!
Today H took S and I flying (he's a pilot in his off time). I couldn't believe I was invited. I hadn't been since August. We had a lovely day and got along great. I was so happy that without thinking I leaned over and kissed his cheek when I said thanks and bye. He actually kissed my cheek back. I shouldn't read much into it. However, he would have run with utter repulsion a month or two ago.
H was here tonight and we "talked". I brought up about his angry tone and how when he says "I don't care" it really hurts. He didn't get how I FEEL, but he did try to listen and remind me that he doesn't mean he doesn't care about me in the general sense, but that he's actually trying to be "cool" like he doesn't care what I do and I'm free to do what I want. He admitted he remembered this was brought up before from our MC a year ago. He also said that although it would help if I could not personalize it, the other half is that he could communicate more politely.
woohoo! Commuciation success! He still didn't get my feelings completely, but it cracked open the door to further discussions, IMO.
Now he's going back into his cave for the weekend - but the vibe although not romantic, continues to steer toward the calm. Optimistic. (if still affection starved!)
I think sometimes H's might feel condescended to when we model new behavior. They might feel like WE are on our high horse just like we feel that THEY are sometimes on their high horse. Check your tone when you are modeling new behavior if you can. Sometimes the stress in one's voice can make a person sound accidentally like a teacher or fake therapist. Change is difficult all around until it is internalized and feels and comes out natural.
What factor do you think stress, depression, and anxiety are currently playing in your H's difficulties. It sounds like you are aware of what how these factors impact your behavior. But do you think a stress, depression, anxiety fog is still impacting your husband in a big way? What does he say if he speaks openly about it? Are you allowed to speak openly about that or does it come off as judgmental?
Well H always says he suffers from "anxiety." I feel it as anger! Who knows. Stress, of course, what with his tendency to want to seek approval, be perfect ( the eldest jewish son has a lot of that kind of pressure), make all the money, etc. Depression< I don't know. I am the one who suffers from that.
He only speaks of it rarely, he's too embarassed, I think to admit it often. At this point I must not take his anger/anxiety so personally, I must just take space and not try to fix it, make him feel better, feel like if only I do something differently or better, he will feel better and we will not all succumb to his moodiness (my childhood pattern). I am working on soothing myself instead of expecting him to be gentle with me when he's stressed. I have choices to walk away and take care of myself, or to try to help him. It's often tough but my biggest job right now is not to feel responsible for his frustrations.
I think he is extremely hard on himself and critical of himself which is why he comes across this way to others sometimes. I think he doesn't speak up for what he really feels because he is so duty bound. It's what I fell in love with about him (my father a bit of a narcissistic artistic free spirit who does whatever he feels all the time) but has become what I struggle with in H. I need to work on not taking his criticisms so personally, but it's tough when I want him to be more sensitive and gentle.
We'll figure it out...I want to empathize with his anxiety without reacting to his negativity. It's a fine line.
Arg - the piecing devil is rearing its head - now that communication lines are open, more calmness prevails, hidden painful feelings are emerging! Taking the focus off H and onto myself can be painful! No wonder I focus on fixing him instead of myself!
In addition to validating all the hurtful things I did/need to change in the R, my amnesia is disappearing about the hurtful things H said/did. Like yelling at me when I went into labor. Like calling me an "a$$hole" first thing Mother's Day morning. Like how I felt I was walking on eggshells for years...grrrrr
Who can eat when we gotta manage all the s^*t all the time! lol