how do i keep my hope alive?

[talia]

OH - One more thing.. I still cry when I see OUR wedding stuff. I'm told that one may never go away - Don't let that feel like a setback.....

[trytryagain]

(((talia))) thanks, i needed that.

i just had a hard night last night after seeing him and then talking to my mom. even at 30 years old, my mom is WAY up in my business, and if ANYONE needs to do some GAL-ing, it's her. she is sitting on her couch crying over my marriage 24/7, and while she says she's not mad at my H the way she was last time he wanted to separate, she does think he is a big A-hole for "giving up" on our marriage and you know, i can't pick up the phone to say hello to her without her filling my ears up with how there is no way he could love me and then walk away like that. i just try to let it go. it's hard, though...she lives 15 minutes from me and we've always been very close. if i don't call her every day, she assumes i'm lying dead on the floor of my apartment. she did tell me she was proud of how i was handling all of this, though...

180 for me this morning, i picked up some boxes that were laying around in my office to take home and pack up some of the kitchen stuff. i don't want him taking my good drinking glasses that were a wedding present from my aunt, so i guess i won't even give him the option. yeah me! i will be busy GAL-ing tonight having dinner with my sister and a guy friend of ours, so i'll have to pack them up later tonight - you know, when i have some free time.

i get what your therapist is saying, i think my H could possibly be doing that to validate his feelings...but at the same time, he's saving a lot of money on rent and he plans to give me a hefty chunk of his paycheck each month. he only signed a 6 month lease, and he has a LOT of bills to pay, so i know he couldn't really afford anything very nice.

i don't know if i have said this, but he has never ONCE said the D-word to me. he only says we should separate. i don't know if he's dancing around the issue or what, but i don't push it, and like you suggested, i'm going to let that agreement thing lay low. he won't hear a peep out of me about that.

turns out i won't be going to his sister's school talent show...his mom thought they would be too confused/upset about us being there together and might get their hopes up. he did offer to video it for me and leave it at the apt when he comes to move so i can at least contact his sister later on and let her know i saw it. he said they don't really understand adult issues all the time. i replied, hell, i'm 30 and i STILL don't understand adult isses all the time.

thanks for the support and the advice about accepting his apologies for what they are. i'll work on just validating and not going out of my way to excuse.

feeling a little better today, but...it's still early.

[talia]

TTA,
I'm glad you are better today! Have fun tonight!! Good for you for packing some stuff. Control where you can get it is very empowering!

As hard as it is to see him make mistakes and screw things up - you have to let him. If he over-extends his budget, he'll have to deal with the consequences. Just do what's best for you. Sometimes the best lessons to learn are the hardest ones on us; beause we brought them on ourselves. Its his path to walk and he has to walk it alone, all you can do is GAL and hope it leads him home...


I see opportunity here with your mom!! Set some boundaries - you could use the practice AND the protection they will give your feelings. DBing isn't just for marriages you know!!


Talia

[trytryagain]

another question: since my H is moving out tomorrow and i do not plan to call/email/text him, but need to let him know what furniture to take (he asked me to choose if i wanted the dresser or the wardrobe). so i plan to leave him a note at the apartment - which i plan to vacate for all of the day tomorrow and will stay at my sister's place with the dog that night.

i don't know if this is the time to say (in the note) something along the lines of what Onthemountaintop suggested ("I know we've had many changes, but I see the world differently. I love you and I hope you will see the side of me you loved once and could discover it again later on."). Should I end the note with something like that or keep it strictly to furniture?

[trytryagain]

i can't believe he's moving out tomorrow. i'm kind of numb about it. he hasn't slept here in about a week anyway, so that i'm on the verge of getting used to. but his clothes are still in his closet, his books still on the shelf. i packed some things up tonight and did not shed a single tear. i felt like someone else was using my hands to put those things in boxes. i also feel like someone else has taken over my life.

went out to dinner tonight and it felt good to kick back and laugh. came back to an empty, quiet apartment...that's about to get a whole lot emptier and quieter. not sure i'm ready for that, but as i've learned here, it's not really something i can control.

i'm going to hit the sack so i can get up early and head out of here with the dog before my H gets here to pack up. if anyone out there in cyberspace is awake and feels like praying...i'll take all the prayers i can get.

[trytryagain]

didn't sleep well last night...kept waking up, forgetting for half a second that he wasn't right next to me. he'll be here soon, to get his things, move them to his own apartment on the other side of town. i talked to my DB coach last night, which was good. she understands the situation more than i can explain here on the forum without writing novel-long posts, and it does instill me with a little more hope to hear her say that our situation seems atypical. i guess everyone's marriage and story is a little different, but there's no real anger or resentment on either side for us...mostly just a sense of sadness and loss. obviously i'm still hopeful he'll come to his senses, but of course it hurts so much that he feels the need to move out rather than stick things out and work on our M. i told him at one point that IMO it would be easier to work on the M than it would be to deal with S and D and splitting all our things and dealing with the emotional aftershock of that. he said he'd already thought of that but he just didn't have anything left to give and he didn't want to work on the M at this point.

i still feel very numb. my husband, the man i vowed to spend my life with only 2 years ago, is moving to another apartment. i haven't lived alone since we met 5 years ago. it's not that i mind being alone, but i do mind not having him in my life on a daily basis. i did leave him a note about the furniture...i did end it by telling him i loved him very much and i didn't want him to go but i understood that he felt he needed to. which is kind of true. but i would understand a whole lot more if he'd asked me for some space and moved in with a friend or his family for a few weeks or a month...instead of finding an apartment, signing a 6 month lease, and moving out less than a month after dropping the S bomb on me. i understand needing to get your head back on straight and needing some breathing room. this just seems a little final to me.

positive thoughts, positive thoughts.

[talia]

TTA,
Nothing is final. Don't give up yet. This is a very tough day and you just need to give yourself permission to feel bad through it. What you are doing today to keep yourself occupied?

From today on you need to stop worrying about H. Do what we've told you and get you figured out.... let him do the same. It seems neither of you are in a place to help eachother through this - just help yourself. The right things will be there when you need them - Have faith.

Talia

[trytryagain]

just got home...spent last night at my parents' place and spent some well-needed time with my girlfriends today.

the apartment is so...empty. i can't bring myself to open his closet. he left me a note that said he was in so much pain and he didn't know what the right and wrong thing to do was...that he didn't know if separating was the answer but given our history he felt it was his only choice. i don't know what that means...but still no legal papers have been brought up.

he also said he loved me in his letter...but he didn't know if that was enough to sustain a strong marriage. i don't even know what to say to that...obviously, the answer is nothing. i'll wait for him to reach out to me, but...i just walked in the door and i'm already overwhelmed with loneliness.

the revered at my church today talked about change and liberation...how only by accepting and embracing change and by letting go can we truly set ourselves free. that was a hard sermon to sit through. of course i fear change. i fear not having my H in my life anymore. by letting this go, my hope is that we could come back together and build something even better than we had before, and i know we could do it, because i have the faith...but i don't know where he is in his head on that. i don't want the marriage we used to have. i want something stronger and deeper. but i do want it with him.

so...he loves me, he's hurting, he's in pain, he doesn't know the answer. i know i need to spend this week focusing on myself and by opening my heart and accepting change into my life, i know that i can only move forward and not back. and that's all i can ask for right now, i suppose.

[Onthemountaintop]

That sounds like a positive plan!

When you said you want change in your M, too, would you accept your H exactly as he is? If you have already made a list of things that you've complained/critisized in him, maybe go through the list and see if you can really accept it, not just cover it up.

HAVE A GREAT WEEK ~ nobody's perfect, and the marriage can only be a failure if you want it to be. Otherwise, it is an experience planned and given by God to make you, him, others, or any combination better. You've said you've grown...love your growth.

[trytryagain]

thanks, OTM.

i've had a lot of time to spend alone with my thoughts in the last few weeks. i am finally able to understand that it is my resistance to some of those things about him that has been the wedge between us, rather than the actual behaviors themselves. i do not want to sweep anything under the rug or go back to what we were doing before. in my vows, i promised to love him for who he is. obviously, i didn't get us in this situation totally on my own, but i can honestly see that i haven't given 100% to living up to that promise to him.

anyone have advice on next steps for me? i feel like he's in an iffy place right now...he's not sure what the next step is, he's unsure about the separation and he has said he loves me. i don't want to push him away by crowding him, but i don't want to act aloof and not let him know i am here and i want to work on this.