2 years of making 90k and not a dime saved and a complete lifestyle change of no care or responsibility except what was absolutely necessary? It played a huge factor.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
You can think what you want from this. But I know and my family and her family admitted the same thing. The money completely changed her and not for the better. She went off the deep end with it. She had also decided at that point she wanted a guy who also made 100k or more. She was completely soaked up in it and the party lifestyle it afforded her.
Kevin
A few things stuck out for me with that post....first, if she wants a guy who makes 100K and you don't, then besides it being hugely shallow and awful you are not in the running anyway. Also, I have heard money changes people and not for the better...but I do believe its about more than money. Hoping and praying that she gets a lesser paying job so she may be humbled and fall on her face and want to come back doesn't seem like the most realistic idea.
What is that saying?...When people show you who they really are, believe them! Wow. I wish I would have listened to that way back when.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
You spent so much time focusing on the fact that your W made this big "to do" about telling you about her stable/modest new job and salary and you went on and on about how she is finally becoming grounded and responsible all for what? Nothing. In the end she did what she wanted to anyhow and once again your expectations went through the roof.
You just made a huge post about how she lacked responsibility and money management when she was earning a higher salary. Yet, you enabled that further when you offered to help her out financially. Again, if her behavior was so unpleasant and damaging WHY did you offer to help her continue it? Want to know why? Because she *finally* needed you for something and in your eyes the *something* was a good thing. She wants to party and blow all her money, well, that is fine. You bitch about it here but when you have the opportunity to show her some consequences to her actions you cave with the hopes she will see how great you are. At the end of the day she did what she wanted to and you were an afterthought.
It is really easy to say money changes people. And sure, sometimes it does but 90K is hardly life altering when you are raising two children in a large metro area. Perhaps you don't want to see the bigger issue but maybe she changed because she was unhappy and wanted a new life and her higher salary gave her a bit of freedom to pursue that life.
This is exactly why I think looking at small positives in your situation is nothing more than false hope. You must start looking at the bigger picture and patterns of behavior then weigh them against the small positives.
I feel, in your eyes, you thought a lower salary for your W would give you some control over the situation that is your marriage. With less money she would be able to do less (partying and being independent) and somehow she would become who YOU want her to be as she could no longer afford to be who she was during your separation.
And that my friend is the big reason you must detach and stop trying to control the situation. As you have learned, at the end of the day your W will do what she wants, when she wants and how she wants and there is not a thing you can do about it.
Don't voice your disdain for her behavior here then turn around and offer to help her continue what you deem as bad or inappropriate behavior though.
It is really easy to say money changes people. And sure, sometimes it does but 90K is hardly life altering when you are raising two children in a large metro area. Perhaps you don't want to see the bigger issue but maybe she changed because she was unhappy and wanted a new life and her higher salary gave her a bit of freedom to pursue that life.
Bingo
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I am not focusing on it. I just felt that I needed to address 25's comments because they were off base.
I am focusing on finding a new job and on my girls. I did remove W from my IM on my phone. So I no longer see her status.
I did go to W's last night to help out with D8's experiment. It was raining very hard. W said since she waited til the last minute to do this can I help out after I got there. I said sure, what do you need help with. She asked if she recorded the results on a file, could I run out and have it printed at office depot. I'm sitting here thinking, it is pouring rain outside. Seriously? But I said ok to help D8 since it was due the next morning. I told W I am not sure office depot is open at this hour. W went to look at office depot and fedex office and found that she could do it in the morning on the way to taking the girls to school so she decided she would just do that. Very good.
W offered me a few food and drink items she was not going to use. I said ok, I will take them because I actually did like those items. I asked her if she had those light bulbs she wanted me to replace in her cealing for her that I had told her a while back I would do but kept forgetting. She said no but that she would pick them up today. She is making dinner for me and the girls to take home with us since her new job doesn't start until Monday. She still has her Christmas tree up. She mentioned her Christmas tree needs to get finished taking the lights off and then taken out of the house. I said I was going to ask her if she needed help getting it out of the house and gone. She said yes. I said I will help her with that then. She said thank you. I did end up earlier on a few weeks ago asking her if she knew how to sew buttons on a shirt to which she said yes and that she could show D12 how to do it and they would do it for me. I gave her my 2 shirts. So I asked about the status of that last night and she said she hadn't done it yet and she would do it today. I know I said I wasn't going to ask, but I ended up asking.
So tonight I will replace the lightbulbs in her cealing and help her get the tree out of her house. Tomorrow we will be taking both of our daughters to the eye doctor to get glasses. We will split the cost on that.
As I was leaving, W handed me a picture frame of pictures of me and my family and asked if I wanted it. I looked at it and said no thanks. Keep it. W then said D8 has been putting up pictures every where as I was walking out the door. I said ya, she loves our family. W said ya. I then headed out into the rain and got in my car and drove off.
Oh, I did help D8 with her experiment and that went well for her. I look forward to hearing about how it went this morning for her at school.
I probably will send her a text Monday morning wishing her well on her first day at the new job. It is a polite cordial thing to do.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
And that my friend is the big reason you must detach and stop trying to control the situation. As you have learned, at the end of the day your W will do what she wants, when she wants and how she wants and there is not a thing you can do about it.
I don't see how I am controlling anything. I can't control what job she takes or what she chooses to do. I would actually think by me trying to punish her for bad behavior that, that would be me trying to control her. I am not trying to control her in any way at all. I am there for her if she needs my help, but I don't try and put any sort of controls on her.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Nobody told you to punish your W for bad behavior. Nobody. I often wonder if you actually read the posts or you just gloss over them and formulate an off the wall response simply to continue the conversation.
Allowing a grown adult to experience the consequences of their actions is NOT about punishment. You either really don't get it, refuse to get it or really just enjoy the back and forth with other forum members.
Your W chose to not save her money. The natural consequences of not saving money are (A) go without (B) incur debt. By allowing her to experience the consequences on her own for her own actions is not punishing her.
All you explain to us is the surface issue but you don't put any effort towards understanding the bigger/main issue. You claim more than anything you want your W back but when it comes time to start digging deep you don't, you look at the surface and things remain the same.
