Question

[awest1217]

Good/bad. H and I text each other yesterday afternoon and talked about our days. Then at 6 he calls and asks H and I out to eat. I had already made dinner, but gladly said yes because we can eat it later. H said he wants to really foster a good relationship, and since he hadn't eaten much all week, a specific restaurant sounded good so he thought he would invite us. Excellent! We had a lot of fun. Talked and laughed. Enjoyed S. He didn't text once or anything at all. He played for just a few minutes with S when we got home because it was S's bedtime. H had a headache (probably from not eating) and we left on good terms. He text me and said thank you and it was really nice.

Bad-I got on his AIM because I do want to tread cautiously. This part was good and bad as well. I can only read her side of the conversation so I don't want to assume too much, but he did talk to her (no no), but it wasn't too bad. She was mad that he went out to eat with H and I, but from what she IMed it seems that H was sticking up for us. H also asked about dinner for the two of them tonight, which makes me mad because he said no to pizza at his parents to do this. She said i don't know, which he got upset about because she will never plan anything with him. She then said something about how she is always overprotective because she thinks I am going to kill H. YEAH RIGHT! I am the one trying to save my marriage. She said some things that sounded like he was once again sticking up for me. After a lot of nothing, she sent good night without an i love you.

I don't know if I should tell H that I know about it, or just let this one go and see if it continues. I don't want him talking to OW, but through the conversation and her responses, they were fighting and he was sticking up for us, which is the first time ever so here are my options...

1. Next time I talk to H in person tell him I know about the conversation and let him know I want no OW at all again. I know he is just starting this, but we cannot continue to grow together if I am always worrying about OW and what they are doing. This will probably set us back when we are just starting again, but this way he will know that I mean business. After telling him Wednesday about AIM, he didn't change his password or anything and he knows I will get on again. In this option, I make sure he knows the boundaries.

2. I let this go for now, but if it continues then say something in a loving way. In this option, I am saying that he really is just starting and the conversation was mostly her saying how he was mad and defending herself, which shows he is starting to stand up for me and for our relationship. He hasn't cut her out completely, but he is working on it. Also he hasn't started therapy yet, and this has been a continual behavior with many women so I don't want to confront him when he hasn't had a chance to even see a therapist and start some type of process.

As you can tell, I am going to do option 2, but I am open for suggestions. I am documenting and saving everything so if need be I can say this is exactly what happened. I want to give him a chance to change. I really feel this is an addiction. He text me this morning and really is trying to foster a good relationship with me. There was only once yesterday I felt a twinge of uh oh when we were together and that is when I asked about the living situation. HE said he told the owners his intention is to come home, but things are still volatile and so he would pay extra, but doesn't want to sign a lease that would keep him bound to stay there. They understood and what got me is he said he told them if things don't work out then he would pay all the back rent. That is what upset me a little because I hate the negativity in that statement, but I realize I am doing the same thing by being reserved.

My plan right now is to stay low, watch everything, and give him some time. I will ask about the therapy next week so that way he has a whole week to call and I am not nagging. I also want to re-evaluate things each month and make sure true progress is made. I did say I wanted us to start counseling as well together so what I would like is to give him a chance to start and then by the beginning of March have us start together. If I see over the next few weeks that he is still talking to OW and there is not any chance he is changing that aspect then I will have to just talk to him about the most recent incedent and go through with the ultimatum.