Just want my H back

[25yearsmlc]

Okay here's my tome to you...yikes, I'm sleepy now...okay gotta go here it is!

You guys all give great advice and thank you, I need to get back to focusing on me. I thought about what Pearl said above "what has caused this fear as of late" FOr me I think it's really highlighted more acutely now when I am traveling for work and on the road alone, checking into hotels, and living the life of "Up in the Air Movie"...before it was more do-able w a partner but now it just feels so much more lonely. That, couple w some overwhelming thoughts about move, and going on a date/smooching a guy I was really not into (there are some frogs out there!)...I think that highlighted just missing H more. While I think it's good in my situation to date, get out there, and move on, when you go on bad dates it's almost harder, there is that natural comparison to H, which may persist for awhile.

This, I totally understand... But remember that not all the OWs your h meets are going to be supermodels with MBAs from Harvard, earning high 6 figures, who love sex all the time, or love talking about his work, and have multiple orgasms with his touch AND applaud him for his every thought AND laugh and laugh at ALL his jokes, and make him laugh, b/c they're so darn hilarious, and want to have his children only if and when HE does, (and will look great pregnant too), and have a history with him somehow so they'll know ALL the same people you know and more, and his likes and dislikes and "know him so well" somehow, or are as smart as you and,.... blah blah blah....NOPE, not all of them are going to be completely perfect...Some of them might even have...a FLAW! And some of those flaws are NOT going to be the flaws you have....so some of them are going to make YOU look just fine. Realistically In time, most will pale in comparison b/c if you'd had nothing good together, you would not have married or stayed m as long as you did or at all. Never forget that. And don't forget this: Whereas you have no choice in this sitch, so you are going to be facing life as it is and making the best of it.--but For HIM, knowing he could have made it work with you, the self doubts and second thoughts are likely to be way worse down the road. You coped with the cards you got dealt; he dealt them.


If he is miraculously FINE with all the changes and the single life, in a year or two as well, then better to know now. He's not h material. If you KNEW it would not work in the end, "trying to make it work" and wasting how many more years, would you? I hope not.

Best realistic case, it'll take 1-2 years for him to more honestly see the sitch, or longer-and that won't mean he'll contact you the minute he feels regret. No, he will test that regret to see how often it comes and goes...and how bad it feels, and whether he can compensate with another woman...but if you don't scorch the earth in a heated discussion with the verbal knives being driven in too deep, and IF you are available at the time and he does call, who knows? I'm the one who has 2 family members who remarried their exes and liked it better the 2nd time around. Both of them took YEARS to reunite. Yes, both couples had kids...sorry. But that's not to say they saw each other that much for the first year or two. Had to build to a time where they could stand in the same room.

Please -Not one criticism should exit your mouth for this dinner...NOT ONE... As I was saying...in time, you will likely look a lot better in comparison to OWs (assume you do and act on that assumption b/c gf, YOU ARE THAT GOOD and truly, only a fool would leave YOU)....And as his good memories resurface and the worse ones subside...this will be more apparent. Reminding him of the unfairness of it all, and complaining [b]at this time, is counter productive. You will be reminding him why he left! It will indeed be your "last supper"....with him! So Steer the convo AWAY from business. Ask him about HIM (his fav topic right?) and now and then add a mysterious but cool tidbit about YOU and YOUR cool future and be happy about your pending move. FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT is a cliche b/c it works!


I talked to friends dad who is D lawyer and again thought nothing to hurt in consult. I think i've been a little overwhelmed by so much different advice from friends, family, etc. Need to assess appropriate risks and a consult can help guide me, yes, but also has potential to get costly, drawn-out, and ugly,

How so? Why? Just talk to a flippin' L , and think about it long and hard AFTER you have ALL the relevant information!!....Honey, don't make this easy task into a nightmare by borrowing trouble, that may not exist at all. You can talk to a L many times and never ever file. I did...geez...
I LOVED learning about what my financial life would be like if we split up b/c it was highly unlikely I'd lose the kids OR end up on the street, fat, homeless and in the gutter....not quite that bad you know? And lucky for you, you have a good job! OMG-- I was out of the work force at home for several years so a part of me was really stuck thinking "if I go back to work F/T the kids will have NO parents to speak of but I can't starve, etc" & I know I have a L degree and have worked.

Some women put all their eggs in the h's career basket and that is unfair to them. I put my h through med school so I definitely felt it was unfair that I enabled him to make the big money while I took lateral positions, and later stayed home after our 3rd child, to accomodate his sucky schedule AND be there for the kids...SOMEONE has to do it....And I was outraged at first, that I'd only get alimony until if and when I remarried...(.there's an incentive not to remarry)--To me, I contributed to the "marital asset" of his earning capacity. But oh well---It is not how California would see it and I needed to know that. But I also learned that with a long term m, in this state (not giving L advice but telling you why I felt good despite some UNgood news...) at least we'd split the assets & I'd have something.

You are financially better off than most, it's true. But for the life of me, there's something really fearful in you about seeing a L. As if it means you might cause you to be getting divorced, OR you think if you see a L, you will have to do something crazy or dangerous. IF, IF the L tells you that you can realistically get NOTHING, or A WHOLE LOT, and you are at all surprised, then just take a breath and a few days, and think about it.

No rush into anything except do it before you leave the state. And I think your moving is a great gesture of independence on your end. But making sure he sees you before you leave....hmmm, it only works if you can detach. IF you can't detach, it'll be the last thing he recalls of you "the last time I saw X Wife, she wailed on me about this and that, and cried & pleaded & bitched, and reminded me how happy I am without that ! and blah blah blah...." INSTEAD, be upbeat and GAL and all that GAL stuff.
Oh and What about the legal matters? If there is anything sticky, do NOT bring it up at dinner. This dining memory must be clean, pure and totally separate and apart from any ugliness of what MIGHT come to pass. Ask little or nothing about "business" matters and focus on the friendships and the family matters--ask about your mutual friends/loved ones and be encouraging about his career future AND your dreams for your new upcoming life. MAYBE...if you can manage itMAYBE try my DB coach's advice about "listening like a lover" when he talks about himself or his future. Don't worry if he says it's in Tibet or Mars and does not involve YOU...(as long as he doesn't throw some OW in your face), act as if he's doing something that matters b/c...to HIM...it does. If an OW gets brought up, NO comment from you. Demur.

Look, if this is your last companionship time together for a year or two, make it something he'll miss...NOT by pursuing him sexually, but let's discuss the elephant in the room. Are you hoping to hook up for "old time's sake"? SOME would say, "if it feels natural and you don't think it would make you feel lousy or used later, go for it..." that's a hard test to pass & a very personal choice. But it was the advice I got from my DB coach...who left it up to ME. But for my h, ML is what made him feel close whereas I needed to feel close before ml...we are not wired the same. Alas...SO I felt at times, that the contrast of the "warmth and love" at home was worth it to contrast with the cold of the tundra and wild outdoors he thought he so missed and the money he hoped to make. Some gentle flirting could happen if it feels natural and then you leave it at that. Let him remember the sex you guys had in the past and btw, men do NOT spend time recalling lousy sex......So be an interested interesting sensual dinner partner...at least. If more happens, or presents itself you better be ready to gracefully decline or truly be able to handle it AFTERWARDS OR it will be a bad thing.
Leave the other stuff to the Ls....YES you DO need to do that...let's say you think you are entitled to something & really want it, and your h does not want to give it to you...do you believe that YOU handling it without L's is somehow less "emotionally dangerous" to the R? It is the opposite. If there is any controversy worth having, let a L argue it while you are always about your new exciting life and cool to your h, and even friendly, but hey, "business is business" and you keep your hands clean. [color:#FF0000]Keep it separate!
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and in the end since we're both working professionals w good jobs, no kids (and I have more to lose if he were to come after) it may not be worth going down the legal route and just signing papers and being done w it.

Yeah we know, it might not be worth it. No one is asking you to decide. We're saying go get the info from a DIV L in your state....and stop fearing that you have so much more to lose....for future purposes that's is NOT true. AND it is exactly why he does NOT want a L involved...totally predictable. I have a feeling you are entitled to something, OR he believes you might be.

But at least a consult will inform me of that so agree that no harm in sitting down w a L, educating myself, and having someone if need be if any surprises pop up down the road.. But goodness, there is the benefit/time/cost savings of just ending as we are and avoiding the drawn out and emotional process that some D's can take. There are also mediators which a friend who was in a similar situation used and it was all amicable and relatively clean.

See above....FYI, mediators are fine imo, after you have met with Ls. They do NOT always know the law, and even when they are L's they don't want to go to court much if they are even able to do so. But they are there for a cheapo amicable deal. Those do happen. I have seen 2.

Later on most women feel cheated financially b/c most women are worse off and most men are better off. Those are facts that are true in 2/3 of the casees so not all obviously. Many women learn that if they had seen a L who knew the law, or who could go to court and fight, that they would have gotten half the retirement, or part of future earnings OR that their H had hidden assets at the time and the mediator did not know this. My mil is one of those women who "wanted it to just be over!"( I did not know h at the time). So, after 18 years of m to a Marine Corps officer, with two kids and several moves around the world for him, she got a whopping $10k...(and then she took on a part time night job to supplement her new full time job...nice) Oh, My fil is a multimillionaire now, remarried to a wonderful loving woman - rich in her own right...fair? Hell no...but my mil simply wanted NO CONFLICTS....and so, her life was much harder later on and indeed she had more conflicts, due to the fact that she put them off. Her fear of conflict was so great that she ended up bringing about that which she most feared, more conflict and hardship. Sound familiar?

Anyways, enough of the L stuff...I need to separate emotions/principle (yes I did support him) with the PRacticality here too...ok yes maybe in principle he could/should give me some back, but what are the potential costs in pursuing this ... it may not be worth it in the end.

SEE ABOVE

And yes, I think my anger/bitterness this past week was driving me more wanting to pursue that path...and I can't be totally at the whim of my emotions. This is where you all are right, back to focusing on ME, improving and taking care of myself, NOT obsessing (yes I have tendency to do this, overanalyze and think to much), having FUN, and not FEAR. I spent couple hrs on the phone yesterday w man i met on NYE that is going through D as well...really nice conversation and we talked how FEAR is a big motivator in many ways...and not how we should live our lives. So many of us feel like we're at the edge of a big precipice in this stage, and it's hard to know where to go, sometimes you feel paralyzed. Focused on the moment and the small things you can control, i guess, have faith, and let the rest fall into place.

YES! OMG! YES! OMG!! YES!...(oh wait, am I having a sex dream? oops, sorry... )

Keep detaching, stop worrying, keep busy, have fun. Well I am going to Vegas this weekend (my first time ever!) w some friends and I am looking forward to having fun!

Thanks again for everything all...and I may take you up on the offer Pearl and reach out to you offline soon. I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself as well!

LFA I think about you often too. Do you ever think you'll have a friendship w H or even want to? Or perhaps just having him totally out of life is easiest way to move on?

Thanks all, and peace

Right back at you girlfriend. Hey Vegas sounds really really fun...me likey! When are you moving to CAL and to what part?
j-