Weeding out the bad

[optimist]

Good morning Bob. Hey we cross posted!

[CoolHandLuke]

And thanks CHL. I'll answer to your post but I need some time to think it over

I want to correct one thing I said..... I said you'd feel better about yourself if you did "everything you could". In thinking about it, I think I'd change it to "a lot more than could reasonably be expected". You'll never be able to do "everything". Do what you can, and then some. Keep doing it. It's up to him to accept what you offer.

You can lead a horse to water, but sometimes your horse is an @ss.

[optimist]

I tried to talk to H last night and this morning with no success. He feels slighted because my sis did not say hello to him on Fri, when they arrived and my bro 'shaked his hand because he had to' so he has disappeared. He is never home. And when he is, he hides in our bedroom and does not come out.

I think some of that is insecurity about the state of the R. He's probably wondering if he's doing the right thing, and if things can be repaired. It's very difficult to face people you know dislike you. I don't think hiding in the bedroom is the solution though. Well that makes it two of us. I have been very discouraged because I think this is the first real test of our R since he moved back in and I fear we are flunking it big time. Of course, there are still two weeks to go... (that is how I got my handle)

He is accusing me of taking sides, but cannot tell me what does he want me to do. Throw them out? I cannot defend him in front of them or even be nice to him in front of them because he is never there. He was with us more often when he did not live here.

It sounds like he's looking for someone to blame so he doesn't have to blame himself, or take responsibility for his own actions. Hopefully, some of that will improve. Wish it too here

I disagree that you "cannot defend him in front of them or even be nice to him in front of them because he is never there". I'm certainly no expert, but there is the "act as if" option. If there's anything you can do to show him you're on his side, it will help him be more comfortable with dealing with the family. What I meant is that he is not there to see me take his side, not that I cannot defend him from them (who are a good 15 years younger BTW). But I see the point, I will try. For now, I leave them alone the moment he shows up and go to him and act 'as if' but it is difficult with literally a moving target. If there is a world record for zooming from the garage to the bedroom, he holds it. 'Hi, honey (entry) how are (kitchen) you (dinningroom) today (slam door)?' does not quite cut it. Maybe if I move to a bigger house... I'll talk to Cupcake about switching homes. She lives in the area... might have one with a longer hallway. Then I might get to ask how his day was... I just need another 10 yards, I think (not good with measures that are not metric)

I told him he was hurting us, not them. And I said I hoped his goal was worth all the pain he is causing us. I fear he has no goal. He is reacting as his mother used to when she felt slighted (real or imaginary): she would sulk and withdraw to 'punish' the offender. Of course, that reaction only backfired on her: eventually everyone learned that there was no way to please her and gave up trying.

Ouch. Not the best DB'ing. I don't mean to invalidate your feelings, but voicing them to him may, in his mind, be justification that he's right to feel disconnected. It sounds to me like both of you are still blaming each other. If you "act as if" he's behaving as his mother would, you'll look for actions which support your expectations. Guilty as charged. I am not acting 'as if' he is his mother but I hoped to give him some food for thought. And to be perfectly honest, I did know that was a button I could hit. I was hurting and I lashed out. Bad, bad Optimist.

I do not know what to do. He is even dragging out old grievances and accusing me of putting my family first. But cannot tell me how have I slighted him or what does he want me to do to fix it.

Try not to personalize his grievances. He's lashing out. It's not right, and it's not fair, but it's happening. Try to break the cycle of each of you personalizing things and reacting to the hurtful comments. I think you'll feel much better about yourself if you can honestly feel that you're handling the situation to the best of your ability, despite what he's doing. That is a great idea. Goes with OGDA's advice about pouring good vibes on him. Will try that approach

I think he made his own self-fulfilling prophecy: he was sure my siblings would be mad at him for what he did to me, so he behaved as if. And when my sibs were cold to him, he asumed it was over and it was not worth trying. And he got resentful. And blamed me somehow, and now he is punishing us both (and our poor little girl, who is sick and wants her Daddy who is never here).

I think you're right about his "acting as if", and "behaving as if". I hope some of the veteran DB'ers can give you more help in this area. It does sound like he's playing the victim. Try to give him a safe, comfortable place, and see if that will help him stop retreating. Good idea. Will try. 'Act as if' even if there is no audience...

Please remind me of why is it worth all the pain...

I think we all wonder that. Do what you can to to "the right thing". Whether things work out or not, it will help you to know you've done everything you could. That's not always easy. That is what I love about the BB: you can always find solid ground here, even if it is virtual. I wish my H had something like this to turn to (he has very few friends and nearly no family. He cannot talk to anyone. Of course, that is how OW got hold of him...

In re-reading this post, it sounds like I'm really coming down on you. I don't mean it to sound that way. You're in a very difficult situation, and your H's actions aren't making it any easier - they're just making it more difficult. Post regularly here, and seek out the advice of the DB'ing veterans. I'm sure many people have been through a similar situation, and can give you some really good advice.

---

Thanks CHL. No, you did not sound as coming down on me. You just helped me see the sitch from a different perspective, which I appreciate. I tend to get too involved in how I see things and blindsided to other takes. Like those things they put in a horse's harness to keep it from looking to the side, whatever they call them. Blinders? Blinkers?

[mockers2]

Hi Opt ~
Finally got through all the great posts here. Whew! Not sure I can add much to what's already been posted.

I like the ideas of making your H feel safe at home and letting him know the steps you've made with your sibs, so he can "see" what you're doing while he's not there.

He sounds so scared. (looking in from the outside) You are doing a great job showing him you love him. Keep doing that. Maybe think of something that would be special for him - some type of a treat he would enjoy. Maybe something that would remind him of something wonderful. Maybe leave your D with your sibs and take H out on a date?

You did a great job in your talks with your SIL and your sister. It takes courage to be honest about the tough subjects.

This is a tough time for everyone.

You are doing a wonderful job taking care of everyone. Remember to take care of Optimist too!

Hope your D feels better soon.

(((((Optimist))))))

[CoolHandLuke]

I tend to get too involved in how I see things and blindsided to other takes. Like those things they put in a horse's harness to keep it from looking to the side, whatever they call them. Blinders? Blinkers?

OK... How about a little music.....


George Strait The Road Less Traveled lyrics
(Buddy Brock/Dean Dillion)

There's a road a winding road that never ends
Full of curves lessons learned at every bend
Goin's rough unlike the straight and narrow
It's for those who go against the grain
Have no fear dare to dream of a change live to march to the beat of a
different drummer
And it all might come together
And it all might come unraveled
On the road less traveled

For the road less traveled ain't for the faint of heart
For those who choose to play it safe and never stray too far
Me I want to live my life and one day leave my mark
And it all might come together
And it all come unraveled
On the road less traveled

I've chosen a pathway I may not endure
One thing's for certain nothing for sure
And it all might come together
And it all might come unraveled
On the road less traveled

For the road less traveled ain't for the faint of heart
For those who choose to play it safe and never stray too far
Me I want to live my life and one day leave my mark
And it all might come together
And it all come unraveled
On the road less traveled

There's a road winding road that never ends

[Cupcake]

Hi Opt:

I listen to Dr. Laura off and on...when people call in with issues such as your current one...she always says that if you want to stay married, that your H must be your top priority before all others, including other family members. I think she would say that your siblings should be kind, respectful and friendly to your H in his home, or they should not be welcome there. Your H must know that you place him in front of all others. I am sure that advice would change depending on what exactly the rift is about. But if you want to stay married, you must make H feel #1.

Just something to think about????

Hugs

[odga]

Opt- thanks for posting on my thread about the deserts

I even have some more recipes in case you do not like strawberries...
Lemon souffle 87 cal/person
Peach soft cake 140 cal/person
Apple custard 144 cal/person
Cinnamon oranges 85 cal/person
Blackberry mousse 150 cal/person
Berry sherbet 52 cal/person

and so on. Ask away!

How about the peach and apple ones.

[optimist]

Oops, I mistranslated. It is apricots, not peaches. But I did post both.

[optimist]

Thanks, CHL, I loved the song. I may use it for the title in my next thread (I guess there is no chance that this one will last long enough to get through my siblings visit )

Hopeful developments here. H called around 1 pm to ask where we were and propose lunch in a place close to his work. I chose to see it as a peace offering .

Unfortunately we were sitting at a restaurant eating lunch at that time (my sis lives in the UK and gets faint if it is noon and there is no food. How can she be 5'7" and a size 2 is one of those things that just show how unfair life is).

D is still having a lot of fever, so I'll drop my sibs at the Maverick's game and go back home. H will go to a prospective parents meeting at her possible next school and I will take care of her.

[Cupcake]

GO MAVS! (HUGE Mavs fan)!!!!