One day at a time....

[pearlharbr]

Rocked, have you (singly or together) read the 5LL book? Do you know what your and H's LL's are? I think a good approach would be to do one, maybe two, thing(s) every week that speak to H's LL. That way you are showing him love in a way that he will understand but also not go overboard on the pursuit.

And do not give up detachment. It is important to maintain a healthy R. Opening up and sharing with H does not mean linking your happiness to him in some way. That will help a lot with your fixer mentality that leads to your parent/child dynamic. If you haven't seen this yet, check out this article. I have it bookmarked and reread it often.

[Butterfly1]

I am very proud of you for both being supportive of H and his vulnerable feelings, and allowing H to be there for you and your vulnerable feelings. Neither of these things must have been easy, but you worked really hard and did it. You're building intimacy and strength. Great job!

[Lost Rabbit]

Thanks Kalni for that insight will see if I can read that book, soothing does seem to over ride our panic about how we feel about things, perhaps some of us are too over sensitive to feelings and need to get them more in perspective and know that not all things that are said by spouses are being aimed critically at us!

Rocked good to hear things are going well, (()) for all the hard work, Im with you on that!

[rr22]

rockedworld,

I understand your situation about trying to address opposite prior complaints in marriage. If one of the complaints about a period in the relationship was not feeling cared for, it is difficult to feel like it's a great idea to stop showing affection now.

[rockedworld]

Thanks for the feedback from everyone! I really appreciate it!

Pearl, thanks also for the link to that article. I have read that one before and had forgotten about it. It is really helpful to me and I think I need to re-read it often.

I have read the 5LL. I did the online quiz and asked H to do it. He said he started it and "got frustrated". Not sure why, but I didn't push it and let it go for now. But, I have a good idea what his LL are, and I've told him what mine are. He does make efforts to meet those for me, but I know we have a ways to go. I like your suggestions about doing a few things that I know speak his LL. I have been doing that pretty well I think, but still need to keep that in mind.

Last night, as we were falling asleep, H said to me "I am happy with you." and then... "I like coming home to you." I was welled up with emotion to hear those words and couldn't speak. so, I hugged him, we held each other and fell asleep that way. This morning he gave me a big hug.

We are moving in the right direction. I just have a really big wall until we get farther with re-building trust. I can feel it there, and have to honor it. But, I think I am doing pretty well with moving forward as best I can in the R, while still honoring my valid fears.

[rockedworld]

Something I wrote about my sitch:
(i have always written poetry, it is very therapeutic for me and helps me process my thoughts and emotions)

The Climb

We walked so many miles
Smiling, side by side
Sometimes the way was soft and smooth
Sometimes it was steep and wild

At times one ran up ahead
Looking down the road
Always to meet up again
Sharing warmth when we were cold

The path then started climbing up
Yet we continued the climb, we two
But the way was hard and we were tired
It was all that we could do

One day I stretched out my hand
To help you in the climb
To find that you were further off
Your hand I could not find

I saw you and I called out
“I’ll throw this rope to you…”
You shook your head and calmly said,
“I’ve got something else to do…”

Uncertainly, I said, “ok”
And waited in that spot
Hoping you would make your way
To the place we had been brought

You didn’t come, so I made my way
I said, “I’ll meet you where you are.”
Try as I might, I would approach
But you would still be far

Then to my complete dismay
I saw you were not alone
You were on a climb with someone else
It was I who was on my own

I saw the danger on your path
In love I tried to warn
I saw you just continue on
I saw you were tired and torn

I knew then I had a choice
I could continue on my climb
Or call you gently back to me
A safe path once more to find

And so, I called out to you
“If you join me once again,
I have the ropes and tools we need
And I will be your friend.”

I waited, then, for you to choose
But loving myself enough
To know I could not wait too long
Or my own path would be too rough

Just as I was about to go
And take the path for me
Your hand reached out and grasped at mine
“I think that now I see”

Together, again, we make our way
The path still wild and steep
Sharing the ropes and lending a hand
The promises to keep

This path is still not easy
We have a long way to go
But together it doesn’t seem so hard
And there are new things that we know

Maybe the path will even out
There is so much we can’t see
We can just take it step by step
And what will be, will be

[june72]

I lurk everywhere, so I haven't posted, but silently cheered you on!
Awesome poem!

[kara]

Beautiful,RW. Simply beautiful.

[mindfull]

Rocked, you made me cry again! That is so special. I'm assuming you've shared it w/your H...

[addie]

Rocked,
Your poem is so powerful! It brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing.