Again I reread some of the other posts and must respond. Ok, must isn't quite the word, but...
cat04 said "personally I'd quit having sex with her..." And I thought I knew about all her adventures. (this one just struck me funny)
Bworl tells me I SERIOUSLY need to change my attitude. I am not even sure I know what my attitude is, but... could you please clarify what you mean. I really am interested! You and a few others seem to have this down, and I don't, so I like the straight talk here. I may not agree with all of it, but I like straight shooters! That's usually who I am, and part of why this last 3 years has got me so worn out. I don't mean cruel or unfeeling. Just telling it like it is-compassionately. I don't get it from W and I cannot or do not know how to say it to her.
Another question that I asked a few weeks ago is how old are you and your wife. I was guessing 48-50 for your wife but maybe it is a little older. I am 55 and my W is the same, Actually our birthdays are in a few weeks so we will add another year to that.
The point is that as your W hit perimenopause her hormones are really going to go wacko. As you pointed out your hormone level is different now than 15 years ago. Again this has nothing to do with DB'ing however it is biology and since your relationship is not on firm ground now just wait till this earthquake hits.
OP-I think this IS part of the earthquake! I'm 54 she's 52. She's been going through it for the last 3 years it seems. Bleeds like someone has stabbed her. I've never really known for 30 years when her period was by her attitude, but now-she'll get tired and she and I call it Itchy, but for 10 days of the month you just do NOT want to be around.
This is another issue my kids have tried to talk to her about. One of my D's MIL is a nurse and has gone through it and tried to encourage her to see the female doc, along with my D. She would not talk to them for weeks. The Doc himself 2 years ago suggested she try hormonal therapy and she commented she would never see him again cuz he thought she was crazy. That's part of what I'm dealing with.
Thanks for asking as I meant to add that to the 8 page novel but forgot.
I meant that your view on this marital mess is just not sound, particularly given the depth and breadth of your wife's issues.
This isn't just divorcebusting some marital issues. Not in your case, at least with what you've told us.
From my perspective, your wife seems to always find herself in sexual situations with other people. My take is that these situations are not coincidences. Your wife doesn't just have bad luck with the men around her.
Given her background of abuse, doesn't it seem as though she sexualizes her relationships with men? The thought that somehow she just keeps winding up in compromising situations just doesn't wash with me.
Your wife, in my opinion only, needs significant therapy. I'm no doctor of any kind, but if she was abused, if she has had relatives, even her own brother, behave in sexually inappropriate ways with her, those things cause damage. They mess up your thinking and they shoot the hell out of your self image.
You're trying to save a marriage, and I appreciate that. But it seems to me that right now, your wife is the one that needs saving. I'm not sure what, if anything, you can contribute to making that happen. I'm inclined to think it's something that she is going to have to realize and pursue on her own.
Until she doesn, I'm not sure what you're saving.
Again, this is just my take on what you've shared. I may be way off base.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Sexual abuse is an ingredient for Borderline. I think the C were correct in there theory of this. Combined with peri/meno, her age I think this is a major disaster waiting to happen. If she doesn't get help she will most likely destroy anything in her path. That is part of borderline, to destroy anything that is good in her life.
So my suggestion is try to get her help or if that won't work detach and NC as far away as possible!
I want to say this, being in perimenopause for the last 4-5 years myself, yes I am a little young but…
Hormones play a big part in the emotionality and reactivity of a woman’s psyche. Being aware that that is what it is, is a big step in controlling it. A few of the people on here have dealt with me off the board during one of my swings and they can tell you, it can be freaky. But honestly, it really doesn’t have to be as bad as you are making it.
Up and down, crying, anger, things blown out of proportion, not knowing really why you feel this way, until you look at a calendar or the period actually starts, is scary. But understanding and patience from the people around you help tremendously. Is it an excuse to act badly?
I don’t allow it to be. I just try to warn people that I might cry a whole lot (I do). But that is just me….
DBS,
I am going to agree with Bill about the sexual abuse.
I too don’t think your W just falls into these sexual situations with men. I am also not saying she goes looking for them, but when people are sexually abused, it does something to them that most people simply do not understand. Your trust has been violated, you begin to think that sex is a way to communicate (which it is), but the specialness of it is removed. It becomes separate in your mind. Love and sex do not go hand in hand for most people who have been violated in that way. It is a way to feel in control, that you have power in a situation. There are many more things that happen to someone who has been repeatedly violated and they way they view themselves, other people, relationships, and the world is very different that for people who have not.
It sounds like your W has some major issues to deal with.
I too am not sure if there is a M to work on at this point because there are just bigger issues to be dealt with. You too probably really need to try to understand sexual abuse as deeply as you can so that you can really see what your W has been experiencing.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
As mentioned I have been detaching. My wife and I both ended up at my daughters in another town to spend the night. I was nice, but not clingy or responding to her flirts.
The next morning I asked if anyone was going to breakfast and was told no they were going shopping so I went on my own. Within a few minutes she called my phone and I let it ring and did not pull up the message until this afternoon. She was livid with the way I was treating her and angry about a comment on how she spent her $ cuz she never tells me how to spend mine, and would be bringing "my" phone back (this is a usual response) and no more would she be treated like this. She later called and I asked what she was talking about, that I made no such comment, and that I was giving her space. She said that when she told us (my daughter and I) that she had lost her wallet with $300 in it and had it returned I said something about that. I responed that yes, both my D and I mentioned it must be nice to have that kind of $. That was it. It was like your 13 yr old saying-I did'nt get my way so I'm mad and throwing the phone at you. I said let's sit down and talk tomorrow when I get home.
I am ready to lay it out there, but I highly doubt she'll get any of it. I'd like to ask her what is wrong with the way I am treating you? How should I be treating you? What is correct in your mind? At Christmas I thought I was smothering her and she left. Now I give her space and time and she's mad. How should I treat you? What are the groundrules? I see I have not supported you in your decision to leave and get a D and that with the way you feel about the M I should do that, and when can we meet with your paralegal.
Am I off base here? We HAVE to talk at this point. It's time to get it out there. What should I say?
Definitly in wierdo mode here. Is this her hormones in OD?
Well we talked briefly on the phone and she says that her feelings about my comment were generated from past experience, not so much what was said that day-?
She would not specifically address the way she was "getting treated" but I'm sure it's because she wants me to KA whenever SHE chooses. I let her know it was time to either work on the M and quit fence sitting or get on with life and move forward. I found it laughable (though I did not laugh) that she was upset when I did not answer the phone, or that it would ring once and go to voice mail meaning it was turned off. She was furious this was happening. And this from the queen of either not answering the phone, turning it off, or not returning calls for days, let alone moving out with no notice, communication for weeks and filing for a D? This is a woman who is NOT dealing with a full deck, but at the same time will NOT go get help.
Her mail comes here and today there was a letter from the Superior court stating that her filing in Oct runs out unless she has me served by Feb 16. I put it out where she can get it, along with some of her other things she left here, and then I made up a list of things I will no longer accept or tolerate in the M, including a physical and mental seperation, dishonesty in any shape or form, lack of committment, communication, honesty or openess and assuming things rather then asking for clarification, along with a few others. I will be leaving this in the letter from the court and since she has already spent the $600, there is no sense in not following up on it and availing the use of it if she is not willing to work on the M and herself.
I have got to the place that if a D is the result, then so be it. One person in a M, does not a M make. It is a joke, a M of convienence for her and I will no longer be a partner in this type of arrangement. This is NOT what a M is or should be and NOT what mine is going to continue to be.
Thanks for being part of a rather large group helping me to see what this M is and what it is not and where I need to take a stand and move forward in life, whether she chooses to go with me or not! Thank You!
Interesting footnote-I talked to my daughter this evening and asked what burr got under her Mom's saddle (she rode with my wife and was with her the whole time) she mentioned I was the burr, which was nothing new.
She said her Mom retold the whole thing to her and wanted her to jump on me also, and my daughter reiterated that it was she that made the comment and it was meant as absoluttely-NOTHING and that I just laughed and went along with what my D said, as there was absolutely NOTHING meant by it.
W is now mad at D for not seeing how I was attempting to control her and how she spent her $.
Is this making something out of absolutely nothing (this same type of thing has been going on for years) part of the lovely MLC and gointhruthechange special?
I do feel for her if she cannot tell when someone is haranging her or not. But I cannot help.
