Flushing the toxins from my life

[Kettricken]

I've asked about and she's been trying to explain her relationship with OM, and how it's not what I believed it was. She says that she has never had intentions to move in with him or even be a "couple", as he is so f'ed up that it's simply "too much crazy" when combined. She said that originally this Spring (when she first cheated on me with him), she did have a "crush" on him, but that by the time she moved out, it was a much different relationship, and was really just a close friendship. She knows that he is a cheater, a narcissist and true freak that could never be what she needed in a partner. She says she's never told him she loves him or ever felt that way towards him. She's never asked him to leave his girlfriend so they could be together, and claims that she didn't leave me so that she could be with him.

This led my my question: "If this wasn't a serious relationship, why did you allow it to destroy our marriage? Why could you not drop the "friendship" when I found out about you cheating on me with him, and work on our R?" She says that she believes that she simply used him as a crutch to finally go through with what she had been thinking about doing for years. Her vision was to leave me so that she was no longer dependent on me (and no longer feeling guilty about not meeting my expectations), gain back her freedom/self-esteem/confidence and attempt to become her own person again. She admits that she didn't have the guts or financial means to do this, but by keeping that contact with OM, she knew (either consciously or subconsciously) that it would sabotage our R and eventually end up forcing her to make that choice whether she was ready or not. It worked.

Uh huh. No offense, CC, and it's not like I even think she's being deliberately deceptive. But this is an attempt (by both of you) to impose some retroactive reason and order on a chaotic, illogical, imbalanced set of behaviors. What she thinks and feels NOW may bear little resemblance to what she felt and thought when she moved out. You can believe it if you want, but does that really help you? If not, let it go. You will never get to know the "really really real" reason, because she doesn't. It's all just a bunch of stories we tell each other to make some sense of ourselves and our world... can be useful, OTOH it can immobilize you, too.

Focus on what's healthy behavior and thought NOW for you and S7. Best of luck with the papers and the IC.