#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[flowmom]

Thanks for the replies CG and june. It really gives me a boost to get people responding to my thread.

If this is the case then I personally would continue to not work and keep a financial detailed history.

I am keeping records. I need legal advice as to whether working is a bad idea right now.

He wants to afford this D so badly- let him work two jobs.

He basically has been working 2 jobs for quite a while already -- one of his jobs is a business that he put more and more time into...it makes money, but in this economy not as much as he'd like.

He wants an apartment so badly let him deal with the finances.

Well, you can't get blood from a stone. We have increased family costs, and realistically H can't earn more money. He has been dealing with provider stress and that's part of what precipitated this marriage crisis. Me taking more responsibility for earning is kind of a 180 (not that I feel that it was realistic for me to do a lot of earning given my parenting and household reponsibilities in the last few years).

If you suddenly start to work it will make getting a D easier for him. Can the courts force you to work eventually?

If H got 50% custody he would not be obligated to pay any spousal or child support, I believe (need to confirm with lawyer).

Can you file a separation to protect what money is left?

There is no money left. We have some assets and some debt. H is playing ball with giving me a cut of the income that comes in, and paying the mortgage so I have enough money to pay bills and buy food and small necessities, but in the medium/long term it's worrisome.

I seem to read a lot of MLCer's going right though the money to bankruptcy.

H does spend money to feel better, but I believe that he's doing his best to restrict spending, which is not exactly frugal but he is trying.

I mean you have to look out for your kids. They are what's most important of course.

My gut feeling is to "play nice" right now. H has said that he doesn't want to do the "financial terrorism" that he's seen happen with the many divorced guys at his work. At least now, H knows that throwing me into a financial crisis would hurt our children and that is very, very important to him. We have a situation with a fair amount of goodwill on the coparenting side, and I don't want to jeopardize that.

How much documentation can you get about your son's disability.

We are still going through diagnostic processes, which involves waiting lists and gatekeepers in Canada. If we are really lucky, we'll get a diagnosis (if applicable) by September, which would entitle us to the funding that our S needs for therapy and interventions.

I know that one mom in the Surviving D section was eventually forced to send her 2 autistic children to school by her husbnad via the court system (she was home schooling)- Gosh was it Kat? I can't remember which person exactly it was. It seemed like basically the exH wanted her to no longer be a SAHM mom so he could pay less child support.

Can anyone point me to that person's thread? That's one of my fears . There would be a huge financial incentive for the wage-earning parent to do that, because it would cut down the number of child care custody hours that would need to be divided up, making it more likely that the higher income parent would be able to do 50% custody (or a high proportion), and pay little or no child support.

Would your husband sink that low?

I don't know. Although he has been on board with homeschooling until now (enthusiastically), I could see him talking to buddies at work whose special needs children "are doing fine" in school and convincing himself that it might actually be better for our S (which I don't believe). And I don't imagine he relishes the idea of handing over cash to me for years to come.

How is his family reacting to all of this? Are they supplicating him? Against it?

I don't really know. I phoned them after the separation just to give them an opportunity to ask me questions and they were kind of stunned. Then his dad flew in for a visit with H, but didn't contact me. I don't imagine they are encouraging him to separate from us, but then again I don't think H would take much stock in their advice anyway.