how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

had a few email exchanges with my H this afternoon following our lunch. made it through the rest of the day, walked into the door of my empty apartment, and oh boy, did those tears find me. let myself sob for a while...guess sometimes you just have to let it hurt. i keep hearing my H say to me, "i woke up in the middle of the night and it was so dark and i didn't know where you were..." (he said this to me at lunch this afternoon), and my heart breaks over and over. the same thing happens to me...i wake up so confused, i could swear he was there next to me, but no. just a pillow.

such a roller coaster of emotion. my rational brain and my emotional brain are alternating between controlling my thoughts and it's quite a show. with all the ups and downs and crying and laughing and "i'm gonna be ok" and "i'll never get over this"...it's a wonder i haven't resorted to drinking. heavily.

that's what i would have done before i met my H. before him when my heart was broken, i would try to drink and sleep around enough to forget all about it. all i did was make a huge hole in my heart that never felt full, no matter what i did...until i met him. i was in such a dark, empty place and i hated who i had become, the things i let myself do. but i know i can thank god now because i am so much stronger than i used to be that i can't imagine doing any of those things to try to heal my hurt now.

sorry if i'm rambling. seeing him today just sent me over the moon in love with him again, seeing him smile, seeing him cry, wanting to reach across the table and hold his hand...and now i'm sitting alone at the table where we used to share dinner and talk about our days and he is not here and he is not coming here, no matter how badly i wish or hope or pray he comes...he is not coming. not tonight and not for many other nights. maybe later on, all i can do is be the best me i can and find my own happiness in the meantime...but it doesn't take away any of the hurt of being alone tonight.

[trytryagain]

read on my church's website that they are having a booksale to benefit haiti. thought i would do something productive and clean off my bookshelves and see what i could get rid of for a good cause. found the little booklet with our wedding ceremony and vows written inside, tucked away in a little hand made folder.

am i feeling sorry for myself? i haven't stopped crying since i found it.

[Onthemountaintop]

Keep the book - just a reminder if a moment of weakness comes about. Be happy with who you are! I'm sure your H is proud of your growth from how you described yourself long ago. Those vows partly led you there...

[trytryagain]

i don't think my H really knows much about my past...he's never really asked and he never really wanted to know about it. regardless of whether or not he is proud, i know i am.

just got off the phone with my mom. she knows we had lunch today. of course she is telling me that no one who loves you would ever hurt you the way my H has. i know she just doesn't want to see me hurting, but...if i'm not bad mouthing my H, i just don't understand why she is.

[Onthemountaintop]

Did you know about the videos on Facebook? DBonFacebook

[trytryagain]

thanks, OTM. i have seen most of them...

problem is how do you implement any of this with a spouse who's not around??

[Onthemountaintop]

You are still in contact, just not all the time. Choose one that you are confident in making a difference or that would show him who you want to be most.

My cousin wanted to go out, and my wife said she doesn't want to. A 180 would be her saying yes with a smile~

What would your H want to see when you contact each other?

[trytryagain]

hmmmm...i think in the past i put too much pressure on him to be the one to make me happy. i think if he saw me as being happy on my own without him, that might be a start.

i usually don't go out much either, and he likes to. so. tomorrow night i'm going to dinner with my sister and a friend. i've been making a lot of fun plans lately. not just to keep myself busy, but because they are things i genuinely want to do but have kept myself from doing because i was worried about being home for him, making dinner, or just making myself available when he wasn't working.

guess i don't have to worry about that so much anymore...

[trytryagain]

didn't do such a great job of GAL'ing tonight. after i found our wedding vows the rest of the night just sort of got away from me. i'm sad to admit i did a lot of sitting around, just staring at the wall. i know now is not the time to lose hope or give up my fight. just had an off night, i guess. found a bunch of my old letters and notes to him that he's been keeping in his sock drawer...i'm assuming he'll take them when he moves out this weekend.

i know everyone on this site says it's not over til it's over and all that...but then i talk to my family (ok, my mother), who tells me that it's pretty much done since he's moving out and that one day i'll find someone who loves me so much that he'll never question his faith in our marriage. it's just hard to keep my hope alive when i keep hearing, well he is moving out, it's obviously over.

i'm not going to lie, i am one sad sack of potatoes tonight. i have a session with my DB coach tomorrow evening, hopefully that will help set me back on track.

not really prepared for another night alone in bed, waking up all hours of the night, thinking he's right next to me. but...strangely, knowing he's going through the same thing is somewhat comforting to me.

[talia]

TTA,
Holy Crap! SLOW DOWN.WOW.

OK.. (((((((tta))))))) - YOU DID AWESOME AT LUNCH! I'm SO PROUD of you!!!

Now slow down. You get to go home and cry.. honestly thats what you should do. That was a really really hard thing to do today and you made it. You get a night to be as sad as you want. I hope you don't beat yourself up for that. Doing well at this dosen't mean you don't feel anything. You just feel it for yourself.

STOP TALKING TO YOUR MOM... she loves you and wants to defend you and I'm sure she hates H for breaking your hear. As wonderful as it is to have her defending you - its not going to help your PMA. Do you have a close person to talk to that supports you saving your marriage? Anyone? Thats the person you need to talk to about this. Save conversations with mom for other topics.

When you are done fighting - you give up. Not a moment before. If you run this out until YOU are done, you won't have any regrets. Don't let anyone take that away from you. Noone knows how they will handle a situation like this until they have to go through it. Opionions are like assholes... well you know...

You've heard.. Its my party and I'll cry if I want to... That applies to You NOW. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for how you feel - how you feel is OK and if you let yourself FEEL through this the pain is easier - honest.

You are doing the right things be proud of yourself.

OK... Next steps. When H apologizes for things. Just accept - no more trying to make him feel better, trying to tell him he's not the bad guy, etc. Just validate, don't excuse. After this weekend... go dark. Pack his stuff, help him move, be supportive and loving, then.... disappear. If he contacts you be friendly but aloof. Give him the space he wants and GAL like crazy. He'll notice. You are doing a GREAT job of "putting on a happy face" keep it up.

About him being alone in the empty apartment.... My therapist explained to me the idea that some people feel so badly about themselves they need to manipulate their surroundings to validate how they feel. They ruin relationships, live in horrible situations, etc. - Blame other people. All the while its so they can say - see I AM a bad person, no one likes me. See I don't deserve nice things, look at where I live. Don't assume the choice is between you or __(insert horrible alternative)_____ ... truth is .. it may have nothing to do with you.

Very proud of you....

Talia

PS - YEAH for no legal paperwork! Just let that one lay quietly as long as you can!!