Quote: I tried to talk to H last night and this morning with no success. He feels slighted because my sis did not say hello to him on Fri, when they arrived and my bro 'shaked his hand because he had to' so he has disappeared. He is never home. And when he is, he hides in our bedroom and does not come out.
I think some of that is insecurity about the state of the R. He's probably wondering if he's doing the right thing, and if things can be repaired. It's very difficult to face people you know dislike you. I don't think hiding in the bedroom is the solution though.
Quote: He is accusing me of taking sides, but cannot tell me what does he want me to do. Throw them out? I cannot defend him in front of them or even be nice to him in front of them because he is never there. He was with us more often when he did not live here.
It sounds like he's looking for someone to blame so he doesn't have to blame himself, or take responsibility for his own actions. Hopefully, some of that will improve.
I disagree that you "cannot defend him in front of them or even be nice to him in front of them because he is never there". I'm certainly no expert, but there is the "act as if" option. If there's anything you can do to show him you're on his side, it will help him be more comfortable with dealing with the family.
Quote: I told him he was hurting us, not them. And I said I hoped his goal was worth all the pain he is causing us. I fear he has no goal. He is reacting as his mother used to when she felt slighted (real or imaginary): she would sulk and withdraw to 'punish' the offender. Of course, that reaction only backfired on her: eventually everyone learned that there was no way to please her and gave up trying.
Ouch. Not the best DB'ing. I don't mean to invalidate your feelings, but voicing them to him may, in his mind, be justification that he's right to feel disconnected. It sounds to me like both of you are still blaming each other. If you "act as if" he's behaving as his mother would, you'll look for actions which support your expectations.
Quote: I do not know what to do. He is even dragging out old grievances and accusing me of putting my family first. But cannot tell me how have I slighted him or what does he want me to do to fix it.
Try not to personalize his grievances. He's lashing out. It's not right, and it's not fair, but it's happening. Try to break the cycle of each of you personalizing things and reacting to the hurtful comments. I think you'll feel much better about yourself if you can honestly feel that you're handling the situation to the best of your ability, despite what he's doing.
Quote: I think he made his own self-fulfilling prophecy: he was sure my siblings would be mad at him for what he did to me, so he behaved as if. And when my sibs were cold to him, he asumed it was over and it was not worth trying. And he got resentful. And blamed me somehow, and now he is punishing us both (and our poor little girl, who is sick and wants her Daddy who is never here).
I think you're right about his "acting as if", and "behaving as if". I hope some of the veteran DB'ers can give you more help in this area. It does sound like he's playing the victim. Try to give him a safe, comfortable place, and see if that will help him stop retreating.
Quote: Please remind me of why is it worth all the pain...
I think we all wonder that. Do what you can to to "the right thing". Whether things work out or not, it will help you to know you've done everything you could. That's not always easy.
In re-reading this post, it sounds like I'm really coming down on you. I don't mean it to sound that way. You're in a very difficult situation, and your H's actions aren't making it any easier - they're just making it more difficult. Post regularly here, and seek out the advice of the DB'ing veterans. I'm sure many people have been through a similar situation, and can give you some really good advice.
