I tried to talk to H last night and this morning with no success. He feels slighted because my sis did not say hello to him on Fri, when they arrived and my bro 'shaked his hand because he had to' so he has disappeared. He is never home. And when he is, he hides in our bedroom and does not come out.
He is accusing me of taking sides, but cannot tell me what does he want me to do. Throw them out? I cannot defend him in front of them or even be nice to him in front of them because he is never there. He was with us more often when he did not live here.
I told him he was hurting us, not them. And I said I hoped his goal was worth all the pain he is causing us. I fear he has no goal. He is reacting as his mother used to when she felt slighted (real or imaginary): she would sulk and withdraw to 'punish' the offender. Of course, that reaction only backfired on her: eventually everyone learned that there was no way to please her and gave up trying.
I do not know what to do. He is even dragging out old grievances and accusing me of putting my family first. But cannot tell me how have I slighted him or what does he want me to do to fix it.
I think he made his own self-fulfilling prophecy: he was sure my siblings would be mad at him for what he did to me, so he behaved as if. And when my sibs were cold to him, he asumed it was over and it was not worth trying. And he got resentful. And blamed me somehow, and now he is punishing us both (and our poor little girl, who is sick and wants her Daddy who is never here).
Please remind me of why is it worth all the pain...
I am sorry, Pam, I cannot find my optimism this morning.
Does anyone have any ideas? I just cannot think...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I can relate to what your husband may be going through.
For me, I always felt like my husband sided with his Mom against me. That she could treat me as bad as she liked and he'd ignore it.
I longed for my husband to stand up to her and say, "This is my wife. She is the love of my life and you will treat her with respect and curtesy."
Perhaps its less that he feels slighted by them, but more like he wants you to stand up for him, and yet feels he can't ask that of you?
Does this make any sense?
What if you were to talk to your family, tell them you are concerned about this rift and want to make sure everything is ok? Then told your husband that you talked to them and they will treat him better...or whatever?
Quote: I tried to talk to H last night and this morning with no success. He feels slighted because my sis did not say hello to him on Fri, when they arrived and my bro 'shaked his hand because he had to' so he has disappeared. He is never home. And when he is, he hides in our bedroom and does not come out.
I think some of that is insecurity about the state of the R. He's probably wondering if he's doing the right thing, and if things can be repaired. It's very difficult to face people you know dislike you. I don't think hiding in the bedroom is the solution though.
Quote: He is accusing me of taking sides, but cannot tell me what does he want me to do. Throw them out? I cannot defend him in front of them or even be nice to him in front of them because he is never there. He was with us more often when he did not live here.
It sounds like he's looking for someone to blame so he doesn't have to blame himself, or take responsibility for his own actions. Hopefully, some of that will improve.
I disagree that you "cannot defend him in front of them or even be nice to him in front of them because he is never there". I'm certainly no expert, but there is the "act as if" option. If there's anything you can do to show him you're on his side, it will help him be more comfortable with dealing with the family.
Quote: I told him he was hurting us, not them. And I said I hoped his goal was worth all the pain he is causing us. I fear he has no goal. He is reacting as his mother used to when she felt slighted (real or imaginary): she would sulk and withdraw to 'punish' the offender. Of course, that reaction only backfired on her: eventually everyone learned that there was no way to please her and gave up trying.
Ouch. Not the best DB'ing. I don't mean to invalidate your feelings, but voicing them to him may, in his mind, be justification that he's right to feel disconnected. It sounds to me like both of you are still blaming each other. If you "act as if" he's behaving as his mother would, you'll look for actions which support your expectations.
Quote: I do not know what to do. He is even dragging out old grievances and accusing me of putting my family first. But cannot tell me how have I slighted him or what does he want me to do to fix it.
Try not to personalize his grievances. He's lashing out. It's not right, and it's not fair, but it's happening. Try to break the cycle of each of you personalizing things and reacting to the hurtful comments. I think you'll feel much better about yourself if you can honestly feel that you're handling the situation to the best of your ability, despite what he's doing.
Quote: I think he made his own self-fulfilling prophecy: he was sure my siblings would be mad at him for what he did to me, so he behaved as if. And when my sibs were cold to him, he asumed it was over and it was not worth trying. And he got resentful. And blamed me somehow, and now he is punishing us both (and our poor little girl, who is sick and wants her Daddy who is never here).
I think you're right about his "acting as if", and "behaving as if". I hope some of the veteran DB'ers can give you more help in this area. It does sound like he's playing the victim. Try to give him a safe, comfortable place, and see if that will help him stop retreating.
Quote: Please remind me of why is it worth all the pain...
I think we all wonder that. Do what you can to to "the right thing". Whether things work out or not, it will help you to know you've done everything you could. That's not always easy.
In re-reading this post, it sounds like I'm really coming down on you. I don't mean it to sound that way. You're in a very difficult situation, and your H's actions aren't making it any easier - they're just making it more difficult. Post regularly here, and seek out the advice of the DB'ing veterans. I'm sure many people have been through a similar situation, and can give you some really good advice.
Quote: For me, I always felt like my husband sided with his Mom against me. That she could treat me as bad as she liked and he'd ignore it.
I longed for my husband to stand up to her and say, "This is my wife. She is the love of my life and you will treat her with respect and curtesy."
Perhaps its less that he feels slighted by them, but more like he wants you to stand up for him, and yet feels he can't ask that of you?
Does this make any sense?
It makes a lot of sense PiB. I would stand up for him, and I have stood up for him but he is not there to see it. I told my bro and sis that I ahd decided to take him back and try to rebuild our R. But now he has disappeared...
And thanks CHL. I'll answer to your post but I need some time to think it over
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I have stood up for him but he is not there to see it.
Ok...good for you!
Now the question is, how do you communicate this to him so that he 'see's it?
Would it be best to talk to him and say, "H, I understand the way you are feeling. I had a talk with XYZ and told them they are to treat you with respect. They understand where you and I stand now. I hope you know I love you and that we will get through this together."
Or would it be better to email him and say something similar?
Keep DBing as hard as you can - it is all worth it. I believe your H just has to work through his feelings for himself but it will be hard to ignore your unconditional love flowing his way. It will come together for you.
my besetting sin 