I'm Baaaaaaaack!

[SirPrizeMe]

I am so sorry, I didn't mean to alarm you all.
Thank you all SO MUCH for the encouragement.

I am still here. I am safe.

Tell ya what, I'll make you a promise. I won't do anything rash, like get a girlfriend, or get my nose pierced, or huck myself off a bridge, until I check in here. Ok? deal? I don't mean to make light of it. I have been feeling very low, for a long time, and if you spend enough time in that place, it makes you wonder when or if it will ever get better. But no matter what, I know I could never do that to my kids. They would be confused and hurt and would blame themselves, and it would be terribly damaging. So I could never do it, regardless how bad it gets for me. I'm stubborn that way. I remind myself every day, even though I don't see my kids, haven't seen them in a looong time, that *I am a father*.

So please don't worry. I don't remember exactly what I wrote a few days ago, I'm sure it was worrying, but I'm not going to take any action. Hell, I barely moved, I mean that, for 8 months. Even aside from my strong personal feelings against self-harm, It's not likely I am going to execute a big plan. oooh, that was a abd choice of words, wasn't it? I swear, unintended.

I hope you'll accept my apology for making you all worry.

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I have some news.

First, I'm no longer in the Pacific Northwest.

Next: I started with a therapy group. It's done through the Psych ward at the local hospital. They call it "partial hospitalization". It's about 5 hours a day, EVERY DAY.

It is very intensive, and even after only a few days, it has made a big difference. The people there care, and are wise, and supportive and encouraging. It's like this DB board, except in person, and for 5 hours, and staffed by professionals.

Everyone has troubles, and we all look at them together. It's very good.

Aside from the actual therapy sessions, it is about 15 miles from my house. I take the bus and the train to get there, and I have to walk maybe 2 miles to make that happen. So for the past 4 days I've been walking, the first time I have moved even a little bit, in, literally.... months. And I think that also is making a huge difference. Just getting some air in my lungs, and getting my heart rate up. I'm in the Northeast US now, and it's pretty frigid where I am, but even so, I am enjoying the fresh air, and enjoying stretching my legs. The terrain is pretty hilly, so I can actually feel it in the thighs, hamstrings, calves and even my feet muscles. Exercise!

Today I felt so good that I took a longer walk, and went shopping, and bought a few little things for my kids. (10 days ago I wasn't interested in leaving the room I was in. I hadn't left the house for 6 weeks or so, literally. Now I am walking around, taking the bus, going to a coffee shop. What a difference!) I'm planning to send a "care package" to them (the kids), with just a few things and a card. I also got a haircut today, first one in about 9 weeks. Yes, I was pretty shaggy.

I know this stuff must sound pretty basic, but it's the kind of thing that seemed so impossibly difficult 7 days ago. So that is also good news.

As part of this intensive therapy treatment, I am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist every week. So I have taken your advice about SEE A DOCTOR. It's all being covered by the state, yes. Prescriptions, too. It's been very very good for me.

At the same time I see some of the other people in the therapy group and realize that other people have much tougher situations than mine. Some of them have come from absolutely horrible families. Some of them are confronting chemical addictions at the same time as mood disorders. We all face unique challenges but we're figuring out how to do it, together.

The therapy group also assigns "homework", so with the 5 hours there, plus an hour for lunch break, and the public transit commute, and the walk to/from the station, and getting ready...well it is keeping me pretty busy. Some part of me remembers how productive I used to be in my prior life, and I am tempted to compare my "accomplishments" of taking a bus and going shopping to my old self, but I am learning in my group to NOT do that.

Last major thing: Something came over me and last weekend I signed into an instant messenger account that I had avoided for months and months as I hid in my cave. It was the same day, I think, that I posted here. I guess just reaching out.

Well, the result was nothing short of miraculous, for me. My daughter also signs in when she uses the computer, and thanksbetogod, we were able to "chat" online!!! It has been great for me. Very very enjoyable. She is so sweet. We spend our time thinking up rhymes and poems and word puzzles and things. She's a delight, just pure joy. Gosh I miss her.

Her brother did a fly-by the other night, while I was chatting with her. He send a brief "hi", and I was able to invite him to chat too. And,.... miracle upon miracles, he agreed, so just tonight I was able to swap some stories with both of them. This might sound weird as a mode of communication - why not just use the phone? I know, but I'm trying to just take it one step at a time here. I am still, pretty much afraid of calling the house phone for fear of hearing the ex's voice. It may be irrational, but it's real enough for me. I just feel so beat up by her. Maybe in the future I will be able to handle hearing her voice, but not now. So for now, I avoid all possibility of encountering the ex, and that means direct links to the kids, like chat or email or letters. (Maybe they will call me. I will ask, but I think that means they'd have to pay for the call, which might be expensive. I don't know.)

Today my son and I talked (chatted) about setting up a webcam, so I could even see him while we talk. So that will be my goal for the next couple days. We also told some jokes and kidded around a little. I tried to keep it really light and pleasant, but also warm.

I can't believe I have goals! and hope!

I've also been catching up with old friends, via that same mechanism. So the instant-messaging thing has done wonders for my mood, in a few short days.

Just walking around, and talking (chatting) with my kids and other people, has made a huge difference. Combined with the therapy, this is the first positive movement in me, for .... more than a year. I can do this.

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So that's my big 3 news items.

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I am being realistic here, I think. I am feeling much better, but I still face a ton of sh!tty things to deal with in my personal situation. Being broke, without a home, far away from my little ones, and shackled with an unreasonable and impractical settlement. All those things are still here. With this therapy thing, and stopping the isolation, I'm trying to take a few small steps. All those bigger things are ahead, but I'm not worrying about them now. I'll get to them when I get to them. For now I just want to get right in the head, and heart.

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ok, That's enough for now. Maybe it was too much.

Thank you again for the concern.

I will keep you all apprised, if you like!