If he is "just a friend" for now, I cant really even set a boundary to tell her who her friends are...can I? To me that would seem controlling. You cant tell people who they can have as friends.
No, you can't, but you're misunderstanding what boundaries are. Boundaries are about what YOU are willing to abide -- not about HER.
In this case, "I cannot remain married to a woman who would carry on an inappropriate relationship with another man" is your boundary. If she violates it, then you have to decide what you want to do. In ANY event, bringing him around your children is COMPLETELY unacceptable.
And if they ARE just friends? (not that I believe that for a minute, and I don't think you do either) -- then your boundary is "I will not remain married to a woman who would place a friendship above her husband." (if, in fact, that does bother you . . . if it doesn't, then let it go).
Where there's smoke, there's fire. In my experience, a wayward will always admit to one level LESS than what the truth is. In this case, "just friends" most likely equals "full-blown emotional affair."
