What a difference a week makes! Last week, I was so low I didn't think I could continue this process but I have felt better and more positive this week than I have since the bomb dropped.
I had a great GAL weekend out of town hanging out with a buddy and came to realize that whether D or R, I will be OK with myself. Holy cow, these walkaway situations really do work your self confidence and self image over with a sledgehammer. I am 6 months post bomb and this week, I finally started to feel like myself again. I feel confident this week, looking people in the eyes, smiling big and not obsessing about my W (at least not too much!)
I realized based on some interest shown from women this week that I wont wither and die if W leaves and that there are others out there that might find me fun loving, intelligent and interesting...just like my wife once did. I am noticing results from the gym which makes me happy. My work motivation after the bomb became non-existent but this week, I got the fire back at work and kicked butt! My brain has defogged considerably this week and I have spent less time on this website at work (God I hope my work didn't track my internet usage over the past 6 months!).
I think that after 6 months, I have finally come to terms with the fact that whether, D or R, this is going to be a loooong ride and I have to just settle in and concentrate on my growth. I have improved and I have learned more these past 6 months about what it takes to be a good man and a good husband than I have learned during my entire life. If my W leaves, she is going to lose a good man and that will be her loss. I like where I am heading right now!
As for an update on our sitch, it was my B-day recently and my W actually bought me some nice gifts. She did get me a card and it said "Happy Birthday, You are a wonderful person. Love, W". Sounds somewhat neutral to me but still surprised to even see the "Love" word there since it wasn't there on my anniversary card pre-bomb.
During our back and forth R-talk email session last week before my weekend away, my W told me that she was upset that I didn't tell her that I had started MC solo but that it was my business why I didn't include her (this from the person I told that I was planning to do this and she expressed no interest or desire to go to MC!) In my response, I finally sent my W info on Retrouvaille and a couple of links to personal stories from people who had been. I also told her I would let her know about the next appointment I schedule for MC. I have heard nothing back from her ever since. When I got back from my trip, I did check the internet history and saw that she had actually read up on Retrouvaille (good maybe?). However, in one of the articles, they talked about the financial devastation of divorce. I saw in the internet history right after this article that she googled "financial impact of divorce" (bad maybe?). At any rate, she only searched one website about this and then it was back to 3,000 searches for jewelry, clothes, etc. which has been her obsession since her A started. Maybe I am wrong but this made me think that after an A and all of this talk of S, that she had not once considered what D would mean. I mean if she had to google that at this point, she really has not been thinking clearly about where this is going.
I am not sure at this point if she is still seeing OM. She has not come home late since early December and seems to be relaxed around me right now but still no intimacy since November. When I got back from my trip, I did not ask her what she did while I was away and she volunteered that she had gone to a movie with a female friend of hers. Also, since this sitch started, she cant stand to see me at work because she says she feels like she never gets a break from me. However, twice this week, she has showed up at my office with a chocolate bar and latte for me. Both times, she hung out for a while to chat.
I have learned to not get excited over baby steps so I am just staying focused on being positive and confident and seeing where this is leading. At least I am starting to see that either way, I feel like I am heading in a good direction.
