Thanks LFA...sounds like you are staying strong and detaching more and more..good for you! and I'll let you know how Vegas goes wink maybe I'll get lucky and win big or meet a celebrity..either way i'll get some spa time and have fun time w friends!

I've been thinking a lot these past couple hrs. For some reason Talia's post really stung -I know it's from a place of love and caring from what we're all going through. For more context Talia I read your thread as well, and know that you, as I, have had some awesome days lately where I have felt truly happy and like this process has made me face some things and work on my own happiness, and other days consumed by loneliness. I too have nights where I just want to be held by H. Healing also takes time - a long time when you've been w someone for 12 yrs -and sometimes it can be two steps forward and one step back. I don't feel like I need to apologize for this and I also don't feel like I'm an insecure person (but yes, of course your esteem takes a beating when you go through this).

For context as to where these feelings come from, H has told me on several occassions that he felt I always felt like I was better than him (and sometimes, esp early in our M, I did), and HE was not good enough. So it is very humbling to go through this. I thought he would never leave me (if anything I thought I might wonder what else was out there/could I do better/better fit?) He felt he was not good enough for a variety of reasons. LFA said a few posts back "you did not break him and you cannot fix him". That resonated and helped me not blame myself so much. Of course there was a natural feeling of 'did I drive him away?' given what he's told me since our S. S/D makes you take an honest look at yourself and things that you did that were hurtful/critical whatever. I guess hearing that I seem insecure doesn't help, what helps me more is to know just that, that 'i did not break him and cannot fix him'. Many of our oldest friends noticed this dynamic from early days, how he deferred to me all the time, so I now that we both played a role here, and maybe he's angry at himself too for not stepping up more back then. We've sorta reversed roles I guess, in this separation. But you can also understand - i would hope - how the blame cycle is natural when H continually tells you you pushed him away. HOWEVER, I absolutely see (and others notice too) that he has his own identity issues he's been struggling w over the past yr...it's blantantly apparent on FB and other outlets that he is trying to prove something, that he is not totally comfortable in his own skin, that he has been going through struggles in this process as well (from simple home at night family guy to wild-partier-passing-out-drunk mega-ego all of a sudden...but in a way that feels forced and not natural). That's when I know it's not all me.

It's hard too b/c many times during our M, people would say how wonderful he was etc etc - almost too good - and then there's this natural tendency to think 'what have I lost, what did I give up?" and then panic sets in. As said in earlier posts, sometimes I wonder if it was just timing or age and we really could have worked, but analysis does no good.

I hear you too Talia in that you don't believe in D...but it sounds like you've struggled w the same things I have...you don't want it to end - and it's hard to let go - but you can't make them come back. Believe me, there are days I also feel like "I am great. H is missing out... I've made these great changes and feel good and he's off in la la land...his loss" I think we are both going through the same ups and downs and emotions here.

I'll mention one other thing. It's hard, when you see some sitches turn around, and when you get all this advice that when you GAL and do your own thing, that WAS often becomes curious as to what you are up to and may realize you weren't all that bad, that they had a good thing w you. But I'll be blantantly honest that, yes, GAL has turned me from so sad last Spring to happy 6 out of 7 days last Fall, PMA and all...but there is a small small piece of you that is hard to let go of that hope that yes, maybe they will notice you now that you have stopped pursuing (I did)...last summer H emailed me and I wouldn't respond for days and he'd write back "are you ok? what happened? haven't heard from you?... that of COURSE there was a small shred of hope that while I don't care why you do (I am saying/thinking this), I am happy w my life again, MAYBE, just maybe you care again, maybe you miss me, maybe that seed of doubt is planted in your head?

You do read about it all over these boards...and it's hard not to think of that in a very small way, even if you are GAL for you. You hear stories about when you finally let go and move on, that is often when WAH comes back/reconsiders...that you can plant that seed of doubt in their mind. So yes, I'm sorry but I've been very heartbroken over this situation (you guys of all people can relate), sometimes hopeful, and at the same time trying to move on. And I like you have moments of tender memories when I think..'if only..." and other days when I do honestly feel like I'm done and I'll be fine no matter what. YOu have friends that say 'one day he'll regret what he's done' and you want to believe that.

I got a massage yesterday spontaneously...i do little things to treat myself and feel good, but it still hurts from time to time and there are still a lot of emotions to process. I have been going to therapy and have awesome friends that have helped me through this...and even IC said yes you cling to hope but that hope can also hold you back from moving on. I know that....but dammit sometimes I STILL DO MISS HIM. I know you all feel this pain too, and over time it lessens, but sometimes it is acute.

And lastly, on the L stuff...I've just been feeling overwhelmed b.c you get so much advice from so many people and to sort it out and figure out what is right for you. I agree w you Talia about how this could be handled w/o L's, and I actually think my sitch is an example of where it really may be unnecessary and there actually could be potential RISK in going down that route (not to mention mental energy/time/effort etc that could be placed elsewhere). But I know consultation wont hurt so I will do that... but over Xmastime I was almost getting ready to sign those papers and move on...and then as I think and travel and work hard some of the anger and bitterness comes out (but at the same time those emotions can actually help me move on).

Perhaps I seem like I'm rambling...just trying to provide some context here for posts above. Believe me I know he's gone, but I think you like all of us occassionally do cling onto hope and those memories, even when we are simultaneously trying to move on. We don't want to fight w S, we want to stand our grounds, we want peace, respect...all of that...but when my H has lashed out at me when I've tried to stand my ground in the past it makes me a little gun-shy of trying to do it again. And believe me I can stand my ground (as he thought i did too much in our M), I can stand up for what I believe in...but sometimes when he responds negatively it's hard not to blame yourself "well maybe I shouldn't have been so transactional/businesslike/harsh or whatever?" Make sense? Those are just some of the things I've struggled with...I've tried to be caring and kind it's backfired, I've tried to stand up for what I believe in and what's rightfully mine, and it's backfired. And I'm tired of feeling like a bad person for whichever route I go down. That's the dilemna I was trying to articulate, and yes it's hard to be totally transactional/neutral w someone who was once the most important person in your life.