Flushing the toxins from my life

[CountingCrows]

Journaling:

Lawyer called yesterday and told me that since W wasn't signing the temporary orders, that he needed to start preparing for the upcoming hearing. He was asking for more "discovery" information from me, such as a list of the men she had extramarital affairs with. I told him that I really didn't want to get into this, and that I believed that she was going to agree to the orders. I know that neither W or I want things to get to this point, and asked him to hold off until I had a chance to talk to W again.

Talked to W for almost an hour yesterday afternoon. She agreed that although she was very worried about losing all rights to S7 by signing the orders, she certainly wasn't prepared to be grilled in court over all the details of what had gone down between us. She agreed that she would go ahead and sign them. If we hadn't been hit with this icy weather, I'd probably be holding a signed order right now...but I'll have to do it in the next day or two.

After discussing the D papers with W, when I should have been saying "Well, I gotta get off here.", I just had to ask a few more questions. In my head, I'm still trying to make any type of sense out things. Now, understand that I take everything W says with a grain of salt (50% of what you see...none of what you hear / Cheaters Lie, period.), but I do believe she's ATTEMPTING to be as straight as she can with me about some of this.

I've asked about and she's been trying to explain her relationship with OM, and how it's not what I believed it was. She says that she has never had intentions to move in with him or even be a "couple", as he is so f'ed up that it's simply "too much crazy" when combined. She said that originally this Spring (when she first cheated on me with him), she did have a "crush" on him, but that by the time she moved out, it was a much different relationship, and was really just a close friendship. She knows that he is a cheater, a narcissist and true freak that could never be what she needed in a partner. She says she's never told him she loves him or ever felt that way towards him. She's never asked him to leave his girlfriend so they could be together, and claims that she didn't leave me so that she could be with him.

This led my my question: "If this wasn't a serious relationship, why did you allow it to destroy our marriage? Why could you not drop the "friendship" when I found out about you cheating on me with him, and work on our R?" She says that she believes that she simply used him as a crutch to finally go through with what she had been thinking about doing for years. Her vision was to leave me so that she was no longer dependent on me (and no longer feeling guilty about not meeting my expectations), gain back her freedom/self-esteem/confidence and attempt to become her own person again. She admits that she didn't have the guts or financial means to do this, but by keeping that contact with OM, she knew (either consciously or subconsciously) that it would sabotage our R and eventually end up forcing her to make that choice whether she was ready or not. It worked.

Weather and work caused me to have to reschedule today's IC appointment until next week. Looks like I may end up spending the night at the office babysitting our generator. Picked up 45 gallons of diesel fuel this afternoon. Our city was hit by a REALLY crippling ice storm two years ago, and to say that everyone is quite anxious (overreacting?!) is a big understatement.