how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

had a few email exchanges with my H this afternoon following our lunch. made it through the rest of the day, walked into the door of my empty apartment, and oh boy, did those tears find me. let myself sob for a while...guess sometimes you just have to let it hurt. i keep hearing my H say to me, "i woke up in the middle of the night and it was so dark and i didn't know where you were..." (he said this to me at lunch this afternoon), and my heart breaks over and over. the same thing happens to me...i wake up so confused, i could swear he was there next to me, but no. just a pillow.

such a roller coaster of emotion. my rational brain and my emotional brain are alternating between controlling my thoughts and it's quite a show. with all the ups and downs and crying and laughing and "i'm gonna be ok" and "i'll never get over this"...it's a wonder i haven't resorted to drinking. heavily.

that's what i would have done before i met my H. before him when my heart was broken, i would try to drink and sleep around enough to forget all about it. all i did was make a huge hole in my heart that never felt full, no matter what i did...until i met him. i was in such a dark, empty place and i hated who i had become, the things i let myself do. but i know i can thank god now because i am so much stronger than i used to be that i can't imagine doing any of those things to try to heal my hurt now.

sorry if i'm rambling. seeing him today just sent me over the moon in love with him again, seeing him smile, seeing him cry, wanting to reach across the table and hold his hand...and now i'm sitting alone at the table where we used to share dinner and talk about our days and he is not here and he is not coming here, no matter how badly i wish or hope or pray he comes...he is not coming. not tonight and not for many other nights. maybe later on, all i can do is be the best me i can and find my own happiness in the meantime...but it doesn't take away any of the hurt of being alone tonight.