Mostly I'm feeling really sad, and I'm sure this is a natural time for grief. I'm not having as much time for the forum now. My time is spent working on paperwork for a divorce which I don't believe is a solution to my marriage problems. ... There are so many details, and each one just reminds me of the destruction of my family.
Still, things could be much worse. I'll survive this and come out a better man and father.
Our timelines and sitches have many similarities. Your comments hit home so hard, because they could have come straight from my mouth as well. Personally, I wish that I could have kept myself more detached when W reached out to me 3 weeks ago, but instead, I crumbled, and it has just thrown me into a hard spin. All my DBing went out the window, I guess because I figured that since we were going through with the D, it wasn't necessary anymore. I realize how wrong this is, as it's seriously impeded my progress of healing.
I'm trying to walk that fine line between being friendly/civil for S7's sake, and being her "friend". I'm so lonely for her friendship, but I also know that it's not enough for me. I know that she's "broken" (her words...tattooed on her back), and I can't fix her. Yet I still love her and have to fight the urges to take care of her, even when she won't do what it takes to take care of herself (yes, have enabler tendencies). She can barely look me in the eyes anymore because of all that she's done to me, and has an even harder time looking in the mirror.
I guess I've still held a small bit of hope that some miracle would happen, and she would suddenly snap out of this and magically become the person that I deserve. It's killing me to know/admit/accept that this isn't going to happen. If I could have done like you and detached better, I wouldn't have allowed myself to (even subconsciously) expect anything from her, and therefore couldn't be disappointed like I've been these past few weeks.
Hang in there. We're going to be better people in the end.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
