Wow Talia...totally get your message but definitely did sting. Yes, I know he's gone and out of my life, yes I know I need to focus on myself more, etc etc. But I don't think any of the emotional roller coaster this has been is abnormal, and it's a process w a lot of emotions, of course. Yes, I know I need to stop obsessing over these little things, etc. BUT you make a comment: "Can H Respect you based on your behavior recently?" and I've gotta say, I have NOT contacted him ONCE in the past 6+ months...every conversation/email etc has been initiated by him...I have GAL'd focused on myself, practice acceptance, excersize, go to IC, etc. But I've had a set-back recently as this has all hit home again. and yes I am sad and occassionally still mourning..and some recent circumstances have highlighted this. I have been nothing but kind and a friend to him too, and have held my head high throughout this process, and did very little pursuing..so what about my behavior is so wrong (in terms of how he would perceive?)
Across the course of our separation/early last year, I was simply a friend to him, kind, etc. and then left him the hell alone these past 6 months, really truly have (not to say I don't think about it at times and get sad)..and part of his issue w me in our M was that I was critical or selfish or whatever so early on my 180s were to be less that way, to be positive and upbeat and not complain, etc. I have not pursued him at all since last Spring...so I would think he would only have respect for me at this point (though looking back at times i probably was a bit of a doormat...) however it's a fine line, since i 'wore the pants' according to him in our M, I then tried to be less than way (for myself too, not just for him) and it can be contstrued as then 'letting yourself get taken advantage of.." So I've experimented/oscillated w standing my ground and acquiesing (since the latter he felt I rarely did). I haven't quite known how to WALK THAT LINE during this separation I guess is what I struggle w - a happy medium b/w the 2. Yes, I hear you say STAND UP for yourself but it was the opposite in our M (where he always gave into me, so I have been trying to somewhat do 180 here, while still have self-respect).
I am also trying to just be loving and kind, not be eaten up w anger, etc. Of course your self-esteem takes a big hit when you go through something like this, how could it not??
I think your wording via email makes perfect sense.. but I still don't see any harm in trying to keep a friendship so things are civil at this stage. Yes it is hard b/c there are still emotions there, and yes it's not fair that he just walked out without giving it any kind of shot, but it is what it is.
I think i have made A LOT of gains across this past year, but of course the denial can come back from time to time..it HURTS>.it is what it is and I guess you've just gotta feel these emotions. It's hard to sign papers (seem like you are in that situation too) when you don't want too and my H yes is pressing for joint petition.
Yes I like my job, I don't like the travel (had that issue before too but it WAS EASIER w a partner and I will readily admit that). When you are newly single and on the road again, it is harder to meet someone - it was nice to have my partner to come home too so i don't think that it's at all abnormal that this is harder for me now given what I am going through. Having distractions and activities w friends at night lessens the pain of D than being by yourself in a hotel room. and yes, H and I agreed that post bus-school I could work part time and not do this job, so yes it's not where I thought i'd be and having a partner and mutual support (financial included) makes some of these joint-decisions easier. I can scale back and plan to, but it's a salary change and lifestyle change that I will now have to do on my own. I think all of the bigger questions that ann impending D brings up (where to live, job, lifestyle considerations etc) are completely normal - it makes you face things in a whole different light.
Did I answer your ?s? I was just responding to Pearls ? about what is this so much more acute now when I was doing so well before, and it's a combo of factors, crazy work travel included. I think it's very understandable given the situation at hand and some bitterness given our past conversations about me scaling back after supporting him.
And no, i dont want to operate out of fear...but H has played some psychological mindgames w me across this past yr...He lashes out at times unpredictably like when he asked me to pay him back for health insurance. I stood up for myself in the moment and said "H, I don't think it's appropriate for you to ask me to pay back insurance $ when I've paid X for your tuition" and he went off about how I was selfish and never thought of us as a team and only out for myself etc etc... so in that moment I am thinking 'what did i do so wrong?' I'm a fool if I acquiese but then a bad person when I stand my ground...so it's been tricky territory to chart and tread on, and of course it hurts when he then lashes out at me..I don't want to fight, and then he makes me think "goodness am I being selfish?" As one friend rightly pointed out 'you're often b/w a rock and a hard place w him' damned if i do and damned if i don't is sometimes how i feel.
I get what you are saying, it just came across a little harsh.
