Just want my H back

[hhh]

Yes I think I will meet live w one next week if I can. I've gotten good feedback from others who have gone down this path before, but sometimes it is overwhelming knowing what the right thing is to do. I feel the bitterness more acutely when I am on the road and traveling for work...when I am home - back here in CA or wherever around friends and activities, I feel much more grounded, centered, and OK.

So separation/D forces you to rethink your entire life - in terms of where to live, work, etc. That can be daunting and it feels very alone sometimes, not having a partner. I had this feeling last week like what if something happened and I couldn't work...or frankly, I just don't want to work this hard, might be nice to go back to school or part time or something. But that would mean major paycut and when I think about that I get angry at H. Is that even justified? Like where is he upholding the end of the bargain? But we can't feel bitter forever, that will eat us up, right? We need to let go. I think every day I need to practice acceptance of where I am right now, even though it is radically different than where I thought I would be.

As to the dinner thing, yes I need to be stronger (I am already feeling better than I did last wk..thanks for all your help). I guess I can email him about tax stuff via email.. I still think it would be nice to have a civil exchange before I move. I miss him, and his friendship even, but I need to try to close that chapter, I know. Do you think it unwise to ask him about tuition $ over dinner or in a civil conversation? It would be nice to handle it without lawyers (I know this is a path he does not want to go down - he said 'I don't want anything from you and you don't want anything from me, right?') but I think knowing my rights is good, of course. When I called some last fall I did feel more empowered.

I need to keep healing, it's not over yet (the healing is, that is)...it takes awhile I guess. Wish I could rush the process but need to be patient and move on.

[hhh]

By the way Pearl, how are you doing? Did you go to the IC to help sort things out w BF? You are a strong woman - I admire that and all your advice! Best to you...

[hhh]

Hi guys,
So I emailed H back in response to getting together next week and said mid-wk would work. Kept it simple and upbeat. I am beating myself up a bit though...he asked me 'anything urgent i want to talk about?' and i feel like it would have been good to say "nothing urgent, just thought it would be nice to have dinner before i move" so that he really knew I was moving on. I feel like I missed an opportunity...it's so hard to know how to be, can upbeat and positive seem like you are trying to win them back? argh. i feel like i'm reading into every action i take and it's driving me crazy. i just want to be myself.

This lawyer stuff is weighing heaving on me too and i feel like i'm losing sleep over. i can go for a consultation next week, nothing to lose in doing so. however i have a lot more to lose than H does, so if he wants to walk away without anything from me asset-wise, some people see that as a gain and do that, don't let it get ugly. if i go to L and try to fight for something, H could very well counter that and take me to the cleaners. So the risk is pretty big i think. But i guess a L could reasonably tell me that, and guide me through the process. We can also get a D for $175 and be done w it. It's a way of my trying to reclaim some control over this situation, but maybe I should just let that 'control' go and focus my energies elsewhere...again, if he is not trying to come at me for anything financial-wise... perhaps it's more the bitterness of my life being in a very different place than I thought it would be, and not have a partner anymore. the emotional from the practical...trying to separate the two... and i feel myself obsessing about this stuff which is not healthy, and need to focus energies on moving on...

[pearlharbr]

You're working yourself so stop it. Take a few deep breaths. You're a smart woman, I know this for a fact. Don't let your emotions run away with you.

See a lawyer BEFORE you meet up or have any further discussions with H. The purpose in seeking legal counsel at this point is to learn about your options. You don't have to make any decision on the spot. Compile a list of questions, take the meeting and gather all the info. Only then should you decide if you want to discuss tuition reimbursement with your H, ask for it when you file, or just walk away.

What is the rush to meet up with H? Unless there is something pressing I strongly urge you NOT to see him next week. You're not moving right now. There's plenty of time. Don't put undue pressure and stress on yourself.

I feel like I missed an opportunity...it's so hard to know how to be, can upbeat and positive seem like you are trying to win them back? argh. i feel like i'm reading into every action i take and it's driving me crazy. i just want to be myself.

This proves that you are not even close to being detached. Again, if you see your H when you're highly emotional it will NOT go well no matter your intentions. You need to be able to do it with a calm, carefree attitude that I don't think you can even fake right now.

So slow down. Talk to a lawyer. Talk to a counselor. There's something going on to take you from last summer/fall's demeanor to this current state of fear and panic.

I can't remember if I told you this at lunch or if you ever read it on my thread, but here was the key for me: you have to decide that you're not going to let fear control you. Making life choices based on fear of what may or may not happen if you do or don't do X, Y or Z is no way to live. It holds you back from being your best self and having the life you deserve.

I know you're angry about life not turning out the way you thought it would. I think we all have been there. It's ok to feel that way but in the end, life isn't fair and we have to make the best out of what we're dealt.

I know you can do this. You can email or call me anytime if you need a reminder.

And yes, I did see the IC last week and just the one session helped me see things more clearly. I have another session scheduled next wee. I highly recommend it.

[LookingFrAnswers]

^^ Here here! I agree 1000% with Pearl! This is good advice, H.

We can all drive ourselves crazy if we try to predict what WAS will do, say, feel. Focus on you. I say this to reinforce for myself as well as you! Listen to Pearl. ((((((H))))))

[hhh]

You guys all give great advice and thank you, I need to get back to focusing on me. I thought about what Pearl said above "what has caused this fear as of late" FOr me I think it's really highlighted more acutely now when I am traveling for work and on the road alone, checking into hotels, and living the life of "Up in the Air Movie"...before it was more do-able w a partner but now it just feels so much more lonely. That, couple w some overwhelming thoughts about move, and going on a date/smooching a guy I was really not into (there are some frogs out there!)...I think that highlighted just missing H more. While I think it's good in my situation to date, get out there, and move on, when you go on bad dates it's almost harder, there is that natural comparison to H, which may persist for awhile.

I talked to friends dad who is D lawyer and again thought nothing to hurt in consult. I think i've been a little overwhelmed by so much different advice from friends, family, etc. Need to assess appropriate risks and a consult can help guide me, yes, but also has potential to get costly, drawn-out, and ugly, and in the end since we're both working professionals w good jobs, no kids (and I have more to lose if he were to come after) it may not be worth going down the legal route and just signing papers and being done w it. But at least a consult will inform me of that so agree that no harm in sitting down w a L, educating myself, and having someone if need be if any surprises pop up down the road.. But goodness, there is the benefit/time/cost savings of just ending as we are and avoiding the drawn out and emotional process that some D's can take. There are also mediators which a friend who was in a similar situation used and it was all amicable and relatively clean.

Anyways, enough of the L stuff...I need to separate emotions/principle (yes I did support him) with the PRacticality here too...ok yes maybe in principle he could/should give me some back, but what are the potential costs in pursuing this ... it may not be worth it in the end.

And yes, I think my anger/bitterness this past week was driving me more wanting to pursue that path...and I can't be totally at the whim of my emotions. This is where you all are right, back to focusing on ME, improving and taking care of myself, NOT obsessing (yes I have tendency to do this, overanalyze and think to much), having FUN, and not FEAR. I spent couple hrs on the phone yesterday w man i met on NYE that is going through D as well...really nice conversation and we talked how FEAR is a big motivator in many ways...and not how we should live our lives. So many of us feel like we're at the edge of a big precipice in this stage, and it's hard to know where to go, sometimes you feel paralyzed. Focused on the moment and the small things you can control, i guess, have faith, and let the rest fall into place.

Keep detaching, stop worrying, keep busy, have fun. Well I am going to Vegas this weekend (my first time ever!) w some friends and I am looking forward to having fun!

Thanks again for everything all...and I may take you up on the offer Pearl and reach out to you offline soon. I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself as well!

LFA I think about you often too. Do you ever think you'll have a friendship w H or even want to? Or perhaps just having him totally out of life is easiest way to move on?

Thanks all, and peace

[pearlharbr]

You know I'm always around to offer a 2x4 or a hug. I'm counting on you being in SF so I have a friend when I get there! I'm aiming for July 1 so I need to get my butt in gear and find a job.

As a side note: I'm sure there are lots of frogs out there. But there's also the fun of first dates, excitement of a first kiss, and if nothing else there are the fun stories about how hideous the whole thing went (ask me sometime about the guy who took me to the Legion of Honor and walked three steps ahead of me the entire time).

Oh, and that reminds me, if you like jewelry check out the Cartier exhibit at the Legion. You'll be amazed at the artistry.

[hhh]

Pearl, Fantastic! Love the idea of a new friend in SF! So you are making the plunge?? Lots to catch up on it sounds like. If you want to come for a visit when I'm there in March you are always welcome.

Yes, frogs I know...but I think the excitment of a first date can be fun too...it's all how you view the situation, I guess.

I've heard great things about the exhibit, I will go... for now I'm packing for Vegas and hope to have fun and forget about this stuff for a few days.

Hope you're well and that IC is helping!

[talia]

Hi HHH,
I've been lurking on your post but haven't really given you my two cents. I'm weilding 2X4's all over the forum to day.. so here goes.... I do this because I want better things for you.. even though it might sting a little now...with love...

STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP OH, Did I say STOP??.
When does your life actually become about you? You come on here asking for advice but you do not seem at all commited to actually doing what we tell you. I would encourage you to take some time and go back... re-read your ENTIRE threat start to finish. 1) it will help you see how far you actually have come 2) you need to hear some of your advice again. EVERYTHING you post is about how to get him back, how to evaluate what he said/did/is thinking, how you can be better so he will see the light, how you can get him to interact with you positivly so he will see the light. WHERE ARE YOU IN THIS????? PLEASE FIND YOU and stop doing things for/in consideration of H.

H IS GONE. IT SUCKS, but he's gone. What could he possibly do now that is worse than that? HE'S ALREADY GONE, HE'S HELLBENT ON DIVORCE, HE'S MOVED ON WITH HIS LIFE. Please re-read that.... now answer this question honestly.. Why do you still think that things you do will get him to re-consider?? Please go find yourself an IC and work on these issues. When I read your posts they scream insecurity and low self esteem.

How is it that your job traveling alone and staying in hotels in now worse becuase H filed for D. Did you enjoy it before? Do you like your job? He's been gone for over 1 year. You need to get your mental status under control. YOU cannot do this on your own - go find a therapist. You need someone to help you sort this out.
Denial -Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance, the grieving process. It seems to me (I'm totally un-qualified) you are stuck between denial and bargaining. Find someone to help you with this... PLEASE. Nothing we tell you will help you unless you can get your mental attitude in the right place.

The crazy mixed up world we live in means that by doing ABOVE - YOU will be happier and become the best you imaginable. The only thing you can do to save your marriage at this point is pour yourself into YOU, YOU, YOU. Thats all. LET H GO. Make sure YOU are ok. You will somehow, someway find a happy place to move forward and IF IF IF H notices and comes back, BONUS. You have to do what is best for you. Remember, good men like strong, confident, self assured women they can respect. Can H Respect you based on your behavior recently?? No one can respect you unless you respect yourself. That means being true to how you feel and setting boundaries that protect those feelings. Its ok to still love H and to miss him and to feel sad about this loss. Just don't let honoring your feelings get in the way of making good decisions for yourself.

About the L stuff, my advice FWIW. Email him about the taxes and say something like:
"We need to file taxes for 2009. Unless you object I will ___(insert whatever it is you usually do for taxes)_____ and get you a copy. Please provide me with copies of ___(required paperwork)____ or send it directly to __(tax preparer if you use one)____. "
Then just wait and leave it at that. There is no need for a meeting. Same thing with the tuition stuff. There's no reason you can't ASK him to pay you without taking it legal YET... whats the worst he could say.. NO? Email him something like...

"I was looking over your D paperwork and I wanted to address one more issue. Back in ____ you said you would repay me for the tuition and _______. I would like to iron out what that will be and include it in this agreement. My thoughts are that ..."

Include how much you think he should pay you back for and a payment arrangement thats acceptable to you. See what he does. STOP trying to know what he will do by assuming things and THEN deciding how you are going to respond to a conversation you didn't even have. Thats the proverbial cart before the horse. Assume he's good to his word that he would pay you back. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF....

Here's my last bit of lecture. How in the world are you ever going to push him away more??? Ask yourself how far away can he get given where he is right now. Just because you don't agree and aren't complacent in this D dosen't mean it has to be nasty. There are not ONLY two options. Divorce is not a team sport, but it dosen't have to be a contact sport either. You only do whats right for you no matter what it might do to H - and see what happens next for you ....


You really are doing well - these situations are SO tough. I know this comment is harsh, but sometimes a slap in the face wakes us up, I'm grateful for every single one I've endured in this process. Hang in there!!!


((((HHH)))))


Talia

[pearlharbr]

Talia, I love your post! I know a few others who could use your 2x4s since they certainly aren't listening to mine...