Just want my H back

[talia]

Hi HHH,
I've been lurking on your post but haven't really given you my two cents. I'm weilding 2X4's all over the forum to day.. so here goes.... I do this because I want better things for you.. even though it might sting a little now...with love...

STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP OH, Did I say STOP??.
When does your life actually become about you? You come on here asking for advice but you do not seem at all commited to actually doing what we tell you. I would encourage you to take some time and go back... re-read your ENTIRE threat start to finish. 1) it will help you see how far you actually have come 2) you need to hear some of your advice again. EVERYTHING you post is about how to get him back, how to evaluate what he said/did/is thinking, how you can be better so he will see the light, how you can get him to interact with you positivly so he will see the light. WHERE ARE YOU IN THIS????? PLEASE FIND YOU and stop doing things for/in consideration of H.

H IS GONE. IT SUCKS, but he's gone. What could he possibly do now that is worse than that? HE'S ALREADY GONE, HE'S HELLBENT ON DIVORCE, HE'S MOVED ON WITH HIS LIFE. Please re-read that.... now answer this question honestly.. Why do you still think that things you do will get him to re-consider?? Please go find yourself an IC and work on these issues. When I read your posts they scream insecurity and low self esteem.

How is it that your job traveling alone and staying in hotels in now worse becuase H filed for D. Did you enjoy it before? Do you like your job? He's been gone for over 1 year. You need to get your mental status under control. YOU cannot do this on your own - go find a therapist. You need someone to help you sort this out.
Denial -Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance, the grieving process. It seems to me (I'm totally un-qualified) you are stuck between denial and bargaining. Find someone to help you with this... PLEASE. Nothing we tell you will help you unless you can get your mental attitude in the right place.

The crazy mixed up world we live in means that by doing ABOVE - YOU will be happier and become the best you imaginable. The only thing you can do to save your marriage at this point is pour yourself into YOU, YOU, YOU. Thats all. LET H GO. Make sure YOU are ok. You will somehow, someway find a happy place to move forward and IF IF IF H notices and comes back, BONUS. You have to do what is best for you. Remember, good men like strong, confident, self assured women they can respect. Can H Respect you based on your behavior recently?? No one can respect you unless you respect yourself. That means being true to how you feel and setting boundaries that protect those feelings. Its ok to still love H and to miss him and to feel sad about this loss. Just don't let honoring your feelings get in the way of making good decisions for yourself.

About the L stuff, my advice FWIW. Email him about the taxes and say something like:
"We need to file taxes for 2009. Unless you object I will ___(insert whatever it is you usually do for taxes)_____ and get you a copy. Please provide me with copies of ___(required paperwork)____ or send it directly to __(tax preparer if you use one)____. "
Then just wait and leave it at that. There is no need for a meeting. Same thing with the tuition stuff. There's no reason you can't ASK him to pay you without taking it legal YET... whats the worst he could say.. NO? Email him something like...

"I was looking over your D paperwork and I wanted to address one more issue. Back in ____ you said you would repay me for the tuition and _______. I would like to iron out what that will be and include it in this agreement. My thoughts are that ..."

Include how much you think he should pay you back for and a payment arrangement thats acceptable to you. See what he does. STOP trying to know what he will do by assuming things and THEN deciding how you are going to respond to a conversation you didn't even have. Thats the proverbial cart before the horse. Assume he's good to his word that he would pay you back. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF....

Here's my last bit of lecture. How in the world are you ever going to push him away more??? Ask yourself how far away can he get given where he is right now. Just because you don't agree and aren't complacent in this D dosen't mean it has to be nasty. There are not ONLY two options. Divorce is not a team sport, but it dosen't have to be a contact sport either. You only do whats right for you no matter what it might do to H - and see what happens next for you ....


You really are doing well - these situations are SO tough. I know this comment is harsh, but sometimes a slap in the face wakes us up, I'm grateful for every single one I've endured in this process. Hang in there!!!


((((HHH)))))


Talia