Flowmom... glad you found that helpful. I am wondering if this is a more common dynamic that we realize? It seems like a lot of us LBS's are fixers and resucuers.
Clife... thanks for posting! No apologies needed! Yes, please do start your own thread and let us know here so we can follow...
Journaling:
So, some progress I'd like to post (cuz I think we all need some good news sometimes around here... ;))
First, I was very proud of myself last night. I was home first from work and was enjoying myself, lighting some candles, creating a positive home environment etc. (something I am continuing to work on for both H and I, as well as kids). H comes home, looks pale and shaken. I ask what's wrong. He says there is an AA mtg a the church just down the block from our house and OW's car is there. Now... to put this in perspective OW attends almost every AA meeting there is - apparently attends at least 3 or 4 a week. But, we live in a small town about 30 miles from big city where OW lives and there are plenty of AA mts. in big city. H says he once mentioned that we live "a stone's throw" from the church where those meetings are held, but as far as he knows she never knew where we lived. Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she just has to drive around the block, see H's car and know where we live. It really got to H. I calmly looked at him and said, "so what? let her drive around the block. what difference does it make to us. You are here with me and the kids, you have made your choice, let her do what she wants. I, for one, am done letting her have power in my life." My H was very surprised and pleased by my response. He was able (after awhile) to let it go too (after peeking out the window continuously for about half an hour) and finally relax and enjoy the evening. I could tell it made a real difference for him and helped him feel like he can talk more freely with me about this because I am not reacting. Very proud of myself!
Second... today. I had a bit of a meltdown at work today. It resulted in me just generally feeling less competent at my job since this sitch started. I am less able to concentrate, can't figure out solutions like I used to be able to, forget things etc. This morning it really got to me. I went out at lunch time, got in my car and had a melt down. I wanted to reach out to H but was afraid he wasn't able to handle my emotions, or would feel dumped on, blamed etc. But I was really struggling. I remembered my IC said I need to stop protecting H from my feelings. So I texted if he had a minute to give me a call and he called right away. I told him how I was feeling and he was so helpful, supportive, affirming... everything I needed, and everything he used to be to me before this sitch! He asked why I hadn't called right away this morning and I told him I wasn't sure if he could handle my emotions right now. He said he wanted to be here for me and these are the things we need to do... be there for each other. He affirmed the insights we talked about the other night about our R and how he feels hopeful that we will find levels of intimacy and connection we have never had before. I so needed to hear that. I realized that he needs to do this for me. He had told me at one point that he was attracted to OW b/c she was a "damsel in distress" and he got to be the hero. He had thought of me as so competent, strong, capable... it didn't seem like I needed him anymore. So, me showing my weakness and reaching out met needs for both of us. I don't always have to be the strong one, the fixer! I can reach out and let him be my hero sometimes. What a turn around! I feel lighter, encouraged, supported... and like there is hope!
