So2 - What does it matter if he stops by when you are not home?
Just don't have your mother answer the door.
It is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS who you have babysit when you are out - and you CAN'T ask him, even if you wanted to, by court order!!
Practice these sentences for when you get asked or confronted:
It is none of your business.
I'm not discussing this right now with you.
I am abiding by the court-approved agreement and judgement.
His reactions to any of this are not YOUR business, in turn. Neither of you are responsible to be the other's emotional caregiver, or anything else, anymore.
stop fearing him and if/when he finds out and gripes you out, you just tell him
"Whenever the courts rule that you are able to have unsupervised visits I will be glad to call you if I need you to watch her. And until then, I will not be calling, and you need to respect the courts decision."
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
When you state your case as STIMI mentions, he will respond to try to guilt you with something like "what's wrong" or "why are you so cold to me" or "why have you changed". Be ready for that. Dont let him bait you into deeper talk with those questions.
I hear it is going to be ice fun in Tulsa the next couple of days. Sounds like a good time to fire up the BBQ if electric is out.
I do need to stand up to him more and you are right Kerry..he will try and guilt me with questions. He already is on why I am so cold and distant.
My son came home yesterday from his buddies that lives across from MGF. They were outside and they heard MGF completely YELLING and screaming out of control at what must have been her kids. My son has no idea what MGF did to me the other day and he came home saying this. I honestly am very afraid of this woman. Yet another reason to keep my distance from exh.
So exh came for his visit. I was civil but pretty cold and distant. You could cut the tension with a knife. At one point he took baby outside so I went out too. I just said what I needed to and that was it. Never heard from him again last night.
He is such a horrible human being. Always looking for his next victim and his next con/manipulation. Now I look back at the holidays and realize that was the reason for his 'niceness' and family time...all so he could be around for the holidays. He sucks.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I think what ST said is great...One time you let him (I know you won't)it would come back to haunt you.
Yes it would! My attorney said to follow him like glue even when he goes outside or wants to take her on a walk. Supervised is supervised, and even though most likely she would be just fine on a short walk I cannot do it as it would give him the 'well, she did it once, why not again?'
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I would like to suggest you change your perspective of this just a bit.
From the above, to:
"I would like to stand up for myself more"
By:
Deciding what type of behavior and interaction that YOU want, and what YOU will accept or reject as defined by your wants and needs.
Changing your boundaries to be about you like that, can have a much bigger impact to your psychology that I think a subtle change like that is an extremely important one. It can and will take work to maintain that mindset, but I believe it is worth it.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
wow you are getting great advice here! As for his opinion of your 88 y/o mom watching her (for an hour or two),um, this from a man who has supervised visits with a child, and that he barely manages to keep?
And The idea that all your spare time for baby should be with him undermines the whole point of his limited supervised visits...why is this incomprehensible to him? Oh, b/c he can say and do what he wants and "gaslight" you and the world. (Hope you get the reference--like he has NO idea about why he can't see the baby whenever HE wants and YOU are the obstacle, he did nothing wrong and blah blah blah--amnesia, narcissistic, etc) No, you are not the crazy one; he is. But don't join him!
My mom is also 88 y/o and she can handle a little one for an hour or two as well but like your mom, feels she must be right there 100% and though I love that, it also means limited time. But hey, our moms have limited time left so, do what you can.
Take care, and DO think about moving away or somehow detaching way more so you don't know the insanity of MGF's life. Who wants to know that? Can you gently ask your son to talk about her outside your presence? I don't see the value of knowing what is going on with her. There's not a lot that you can control or value in knowing what she said about you or your X h or what he said. What if he thinks the sky is green and the moon is made of cheese? What if she agrees!!??? Look, His "data" about you is not real. Therefore it does not matter. He may as well be a crazy homeless man screaming at you for being from Mars...who cares? Are you going to start dressing differently or defending yourself, spending time and energy on THAT, so no one else thinks you are from Mars? Or are you going to let it go b/c it just does not matter what two crazy people who others know are not "well", say or think about you, when those whom you love, KNOW you are not from Mars...? Hmm? (I vote for the latter choice, fyi )
Don't forget either, you are divorced from this man. You are not married so there is no m to work on. Just a civil R, and if that becomes impossible, then there are courts to handle things.
Keep up the good work and please do not assume responsibility for the choices your X h made or the consequences he now faces. So what if it's "hard" for him? I'm sorry, but is your life easy now? His difficulties are NOT YOUR PROBLEM....you have enough to do with GAL and raising your kids. Be strong, be brave! You CAN do this....you are.... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Keep up the good work and please do not assume responsibility for the choices your X h made or the consequences he now faces. So what if it's "hard" for him? I'm sorry, but is your life easy now? His difficulties are NOT YOUR PROBLEM....you have enough to do with GAL and raising your kids. Be strong, be brave! You CAN do this....you are.... j-
Thanks..I needed to hear that! His choices have gotten him to where he is now. I just want my baby girl away from his madness forever. I cannot imagine what will happen if the courts somehow, someway give him some unsupervised time.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
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