Flushing the toxins from my life

[Awoken]

I'm glad you're doing a little better CC.

You said you're not looking forward to IC. Any particular worries about it?

Even though it's emotionally draining for me, I have found IC to be so important for me. I hope it goes well for you.

[nikblondiew]

IC always helps me tremendously...I walk out of there feeling lighter, better, but the trick for me is dealing with my emotions once out of those 4 walls. I owe a lot of my personal strength and who I am as a person now to IC. When I think of the woman I was 2.5 years ago when this all started....whew...I was a mess!!!!!!

Staying busy is good CC I think...keeps your mind occupied. But there are days where it'd be nice to have some down time and breath. Understand.

[CountingCrows]

I was trying to explain my apprehension to XW1 last night. I've been talking to her quite a bit, since she's gone through 18+ years of therapy herself since our divorce.

I think that more than anything, I'm just not looking forward to having to rehash the entire sordid sitch to someone new...reopen those wounds. There's really only two people outside of W and myself that knows 99% of the ENTIRE story. I guess that the IC doesn't have to know every detail in order to get started helping me along the best path forward...but it still makes me somewhat anxious to have to try and explain everything all over again. Guess there's NOTHING that I could say that they probably haven't already heard, and no situation that's completely unique.

I got way too much work in front of me today, gotta run.

Trying to get W to sign the temporary order today before a huge ice storm hits us later this afternoon.

[Awoken]

It's just my 2 cents, but I think your reluctance to talk about your sitch may mean you need to deal with it more. A good IC could serve a different role than a friend or family member.

We're here if you want to let us know how it went.

[rockedworld]

Let us know how IC goes... I have a feeling you will find it really helpful and be glad you went. I know it has made a world of difference for me.
Hope your job transition goes well!

[CountingCrows]

Journaling:

Lawyer called yesterday and told me that since W wasn't signing the temporary orders, that he needed to start preparing for the upcoming hearing. He was asking for more "discovery" information from me, such as a list of the men she had extramarital affairs with. I told him that I really didn't want to get into this, and that I believed that she was going to agree to the orders. I know that neither W or I want things to get to this point, and asked him to hold off until I had a chance to talk to W again.

Talked to W for almost an hour yesterday afternoon. She agreed that although she was very worried about losing all rights to S7 by signing the orders, she certainly wasn't prepared to be grilled in court over all the details of what had gone down between us. She agreed that she would go ahead and sign them. If we hadn't been hit with this icy weather, I'd probably be holding a signed order right now...but I'll have to do it in the next day or two.

After discussing the D papers with W, when I should have been saying "Well, I gotta get off here.", I just had to ask a few more questions. In my head, I'm still trying to make any type of sense out things. Now, understand that I take everything W says with a grain of salt (50% of what you see...none of what you hear / Cheaters Lie, period.), but I do believe she's ATTEMPTING to be as straight as she can with me about some of this.

I've asked about and she's been trying to explain her relationship with OM, and how it's not what I believed it was. She says that she has never had intentions to move in with him or even be a "couple", as he is so f'ed up that it's simply "too much crazy" when combined. She said that originally this Spring (when she first cheated on me with him), she did have a "crush" on him, but that by the time she moved out, it was a much different relationship, and was really just a close friendship. She knows that he is a cheater, a narcissist and true freak that could never be what she needed in a partner. She says she's never told him she loves him or ever felt that way towards him. She's never asked him to leave his girlfriend so they could be together, and claims that she didn't leave me so that she could be with him.

This led my my question: "If this wasn't a serious relationship, why did you allow it to destroy our marriage? Why could you not drop the "friendship" when I found out about you cheating on me with him, and work on our R?" She says that she believes that she simply used him as a crutch to finally go through with what she had been thinking about doing for years. Her vision was to leave me so that she was no longer dependent on me (and no longer feeling guilty about not meeting my expectations), gain back her freedom/self-esteem/confidence and attempt to become her own person again. She admits that she didn't have the guts or financial means to do this, but by keeping that contact with OM, she knew (either consciously or subconsciously) that it would sabotage our R and eventually end up forcing her to make that choice whether she was ready or not. It worked.

Weather and work caused me to have to reschedule today's IC appointment until next week. Looks like I may end up spending the night at the office babysitting our generator. Picked up 45 gallons of diesel fuel this afternoon. Our city was hit by a REALLY crippling ice storm two years ago, and to say that everyone is quite anxious (overreacting?!) is a big understatement.

[Dane]

CC,
That sounds just like my wife, they have a lot of mental problems to do that to someone else.
We have to let them go and let them deal with their own mistakes.
Good luck, sounds like you hold a lot of cards. Don't show them.

[Kettricken]

I've asked about and she's been trying to explain her relationship with OM, and how it's not what I believed it was. She says that she has never had intentions to move in with him or even be a "couple", as he is so f'ed up that it's simply "too much crazy" when combined. She said that originally this Spring (when she first cheated on me with him), she did have a "crush" on him, but that by the time she moved out, it was a much different relationship, and was really just a close friendship. She knows that he is a cheater, a narcissist and true freak that could never be what she needed in a partner. She says she's never told him she loves him or ever felt that way towards him. She's never asked him to leave his girlfriend so they could be together, and claims that she didn't leave me so that she could be with him.

This led my my question: "If this wasn't a serious relationship, why did you allow it to destroy our marriage? Why could you not drop the "friendship" when I found out about you cheating on me with him, and work on our R?" She says that she believes that she simply used him as a crutch to finally go through with what she had been thinking about doing for years. Her vision was to leave me so that she was no longer dependent on me (and no longer feeling guilty about not meeting my expectations), gain back her freedom/self-esteem/confidence and attempt to become her own person again. She admits that she didn't have the guts or financial means to do this, but by keeping that contact with OM, she knew (either consciously or subconsciously) that it would sabotage our R and eventually end up forcing her to make that choice whether she was ready or not. It worked.

Uh huh. No offense, CC, and it's not like I even think she's being deliberately deceptive. But this is an attempt (by both of you) to impose some retroactive reason and order on a chaotic, illogical, imbalanced set of behaviors. What she thinks and feels NOW may bear little resemblance to what she felt and thought when she moved out. You can believe it if you want, but does that really help you? If not, let it go. You will never get to know the "really really real" reason, because she doesn't. It's all just a bunch of stories we tell each other to make some sense of ourselves and our world... can be useful, OTOH it can immobilize you, too.

Focus on what's healthy behavior and thought NOW for you and S7. Best of luck with the papers and the IC.

[CountingCrows]

Journaling again:

W has been avoiding me since our discussion on Wednesday. She had agreed to sign our temporary order papers on Thursday. I received them that morning, but no response when I texted her at lunch to ask if I could meet her somewhere to sign them. Later that day, after I found out S7's school would be closed for a ice storm on Friday. I texted her a second time, letting her know that schools were closed and asked if she wanted S7 to stay with her. Again no response.

The storm bared down on us Thursday evening, coating everything with a thick layer of ice. Sleet/Freezing rain was still coming down Friday morning. I ended up working from home, so I could be with S7. The ice turned to fluffy snow by noon and proceeded to dump about 6" on us over the afternoon/evening. Still no contact whatsoever from W. The visitation agreement is such that S7 gets to spend the night with W from Friday until Sunday, but she hasn't called/texted to ask about him staying with her this weekend. I plan to stay dark until she contacts me...but I'll have to meet with her no later than Monday, when I have to get the signed papers returned to my lawyer.

S7 went to my office with me this morning, as I worked a "generator watch" shift in case our power went out. That was pretty cool, since he had never been to my office before, and since no one was there, I was able to show him around the huge place. We set up in the conference room, so I could work and he could watch a movie (Hercules) on the projection screen.

Still really fighting the sadness/depression. Last night, our neighbors called and asked S7 and I to join them for a big bowl of chicken and dumplings. They've offered dinner many times before, but I've never taken them up on it. This time, I jumped on the opportunity to get out of the house and be around other people...to engage in some conversation that would distract my brain for a little while. It was a good call, as we ended up having some tasty comfort food, watched some nonsense TV (AFV) and chatted until I realized it was past S7's bedtime. Knowing that I had to get up extra early too, we walked home and both went to bed pretty quickly. Still requiring pharmaceutical assistance getting to sleep on nights like this.

[CountingCrows]

O.K...this will probably be way TMI, but it might be something that others could relate to / learn from, so I'm going to share it. Sometimes, I have a tendency to censor my thoughts when writing here. Don't know why, as we're all adults here. Not sure if it's fear of embarrassment, offending, of judgement, or what...but whatever it is, if it's troubling me the way the following is, I need to get it off my chest regardless.

Although I'm heartbroken and soul-trampled, I'm still a red-blooded American male. I still have certain needs that have to be taken care of. The problem is, my brain's arousal zone is still completely controlled by and centered on W. It's been this way for years. Simply put, no other woman does it for me. Even when surfing the vast porn playland that is the Internet, if I don't find someone who has a strong similarity to her, it just doesn't do it for me. When W and I were together, this was a good thing. It helped keep me faithful and true to her for nearly 15 years. But now that she's gone, it makes me a very sexually frustrated man. I haven't had that kind of contact in a long time and on top of it, I can't even be good to me! Get where I'm coming from?

SOooo...I made a HUGE mistake yesterday. S7 went over to the neighbor's house to play with their son in the snow and was going to watch a movie there afterwards. After some mental wrestling with the idea, I retrieved a external USB drive that I have stored in the trunk of my car for the past 3 months and connected it to my computer. On this drive contains 15 years of VERY PRIVATE digital pictures/videos of my wife and me that we collected over the course of our relationship. Scanning through a few folders of pictures, I'm suddenly thinking to myself, "Hey, this thing still works...it's not broke!"

Encouraged, I continued browsing for a few minutes and end up in a folder that included a video shot in complete darkness, but with clear audio. The 3 minute clip was soft, sweet and absolutely beautiful music to my ears. Effective, too. I barely made it to the end. For a few moment, relief...then...a tsunami of absolute DEVASTATION!! It was like experiencing the loss of W for the first time all over again. OMG!!!...tears are running down my face right now, just trying to recount the event. It's so strange how the pics were slightly bittersweet, but hearing her voice...hearing her talk to me...oh, it is just more than my brain could process, it hurts so bad. It made me miss her more than I could ever imagine, and not just physically. It's something MUCH deeper and emotional than that. Somehow, hearing the love, the intimacy, the attraction in her voice...it's much harder than simply seeing a picture and remembering that we were once that way with each other.

I was so glad that I was alone in the house, because I needed 30 minutes to stop the waterworks, and more than a hour before I felt even remotely sane again. Just asking myself, WHY? WHY? WHY? WTF was I thinking?! What made me think that I was even remotely close to being ready for something like that?! Her beautiful words/noises still haunt me like a aroused ghost. I can't stop them from echoing inside my head. I'd rather read through a stack of anniversary cards/letters than go through this!

I feel so much like Woody Harrelson near the end of People Vs. Larry Flynt. STBXW is definitely my Althea...destructive to me, to our relationship, destructive to herself, gone from my life...and yet I'm still completely, madly, unhealthily in love and "addicted" to this woman.

This (very encrypted) external drive and DVD backup set will be going to my best friend's house and into his safe tonight. I don't know if I will ever be in a place when it will be safe to bring it out again, but I know that now is absolutely NOT THE TIME.

Am I alone here? Am I the only sick b@st@rd who has experienced something like this...opened that Pandora's box, only to deeply regret it? Is anyone else cursed by only being aroused by their WAS or their doppleganger? I truly hope and pray that this will change...that someday, when I find someone new that reciprocates the love I feel, my tastes/attractions will change as well.