38 years & I need physical connection with my wife

[Young at Heart]

In reviewing this, I am again struck by the theraputic value of posting things and this is again too long, but.....

Exhibiting leadership is really your only option. You don't have the choice of leaving it to your wife; she doesn't see the need and will not lead.

....Her aversion to touch seems to be extreme. Actually, she sounds like she's scared to death. It would be interesting to take her pulse and blood pressure when you start talking about touching or being naked together.


...I don't know whether this would be an issue for you, but I know that one thing that helped bring my wife around was when I made an effort to slow down and give her a lot of time to make up her mind about everything. It sounds like you've been trying to give her a lot of space, but maybe too much. There's a balance between an open-ended "let's try this if you're ready sometime" and "we've got an hour before dinner, let's take our clothes off." About one day's warning worked best for my wife.

At first, it felt like I was admitting that it would take a day or so for her to steel her nerves for the hateful chore of touching her husband, but with time I felt better and better.

Thanks for your advice, I think some of it is really great and wish I would have thought of it! And yes she is and was scared to death.

We had our second therapy session last night. Afterwards I took my wife out to dinner as she needed a break to unwind.

In the therapy session we talked a lot about my wife's aversion to touching and her not doing the sensate focus exercise. During the therapy session I specifically asked my wife and the therapist jointly what should I do, when we are given a therapy assignment and my wife doesn't do it. Should I take leadership and try to start the exercise or just let it slide? My wife's comment was something like, the therapist is not her boss, so everything suggested is "optional" and she will only do it if she wants to. My statement was that I wanted the therapy to work, as I wanted to save our marriage. I knew I couldn't change my wife and I didn't want to control my wife, but I was not going to stay in a marriage where my basic needs were not being met. I told them both that I have a commitment to myself that I will have my basic sexual and touching needs met by my next birthday (early Jan 2011) or I will end this marriage. This had been discussed briefly in our previous session.

The therapist used that to discuss why my wife had not read the sensate focuse exercises and been willing to participate in the exercise. Ultimately the therapist asked my wife if she wanted to learn how to touch me or if she wanted to be divorced. Then she asked my wife what kinds of touch could she perform on me. My wife finally said she could massage my back. The therapist then negotiated what we would each wear during the massage. Next the therapist (with laser precision) asked my wife when over the next two weeks would my wife would massage my back. That got my wife defensive, but finaly she said on Sundays. The therapist then relayed that my wife had objected to things I had brought up late at night when we first go to bed as the wrong time; so what would be the right time for my wife to massage my back on Sunday. She finally got my wife to settle on a specific time on Sunday mornings that she will massage my back and that I will give my wife a massage before that time. No sex, no nakedness, just loving massage with two-way communication as to how it feels.

The therapist then told me to let my wife take the initiative in fulfilling her promises to me, made in the session and if my wife doesn't take the initiative that she will ultimately have to live with the consequenses of broken promises(tough love!). It was impressive to see my wife directed by her own self-interest into taking "measurable steps" that if left to my wife, would have been totally avoided. I learned alot in negotiating with my wife through just listening and watching last night.

One of the things that came up in the discussion was that the 40 minute foot massage I gave my wife; where when it was over she ran for the shower leaving me in my underwear sitting on the hotel room bed, wondering what had just happened. Well it turns out that not only did my wife like the foot massage, but it arroused her to the point where she started to think that sex with me might be enjoyable, which is where she got really scared and bolted to be by herself taking a shower with a locked bathroom door. I knew it was a weird experience, but now I understand why. And yes my wife does have some real issues that she needs to overcome. (Funny that once upon a time, early in our relationship, she enjoyed being naked with me and having sex. How times do change.)

The therapist and my wife discussed body image and fear of being seen naked. She gave my wife some affirmations to say about her body as an exercise for just my wife to do. The therapist also asked if my wife had ever masturbated. My wife said that no she never had (that both did and did not surprise me). The therapist asked if my wife had had orgasms and my wife said that yes she had (I was pretty sure she had had orgasms, as I had felt the vaginal muscle contractions of her orgasms on many ocassions). She asked my wife if she wanted to have intercourse with me prior to my 62nd birthday. My wife said yes she did. She suggested that my wife get a kegel exerciser and use it to strenghten her muscles for future intercourse with me. Then she told me that I needed to masturbate to stay functional for when intercourse happens with my wife.

We also discussed my wife not watching the Sinclair Institute sex education video. I like your suggestion about watching it in the living room by myself. What I did, was ask my wife where the video was, so I could take it with us to a hotel we were going to last weekend associated with a trip we took. Last Saturday morning while packing, my wife said something to the effect of absolutely not. So I didn't take the video on the trip. I watched it on Sunday night after we returned home by myself, but in our bedroom, while my wife was reading a romance novel. I didn't push her to watch it. The reason I didn't watch it in the living room at home(which would have been better) was because our oldest son and his wife were staying with us temporarily while visiting.

The therapist asked if books, pictures, or articles would be a better way for my wife to gather information on healthy sex techniques and practices, if she couldn't watch a video. My wife said that her preferred method would be to talk about them rather than read or view that kind of informaton. The therapist said that it was good that I watched the video and that the future video's she gives us I can watch and if my wife wants to watch, that is fine, or we can just go over the material verbally in a session. My impression of the interaction was that the therapist took what my wife said at face value, made her live with the statements and then figured out how to accomplish the same thing differently, but offered my wife a way to gracefully retreat in watching any future video's with me.

My wife then said that she was afraid. She was afraid that she could never be sexual enough for me and that she was going to be overwhelmed by everything that was happening. The therapist, really didn't allow her to "play victim" at all. It was all very professional and "what do you thing will happen" and "what do you want the long term result to be?" The therapist then quizzed me at to what were my sexual limits on what I wanted. I explained that I thought that I would be in heaven if I had intercourse three times a week and to be vigorously hugged and touched on the other days. I was asked why intercourse just three times a week and not twice a day. I explained that when I had previousl really had vigorous vaginal sex with my wife, it bruised my penis and it was sore the next day and that sex within a day of really vigorous sex with my wife didn't feel good. The therapist then pushed my wife as to if she had ever had sex with me frequently early in our marriage. My wife said yes and that it had been three times a week. The therapist then pointed out that my wife was capable of meeting my needs and my wife didn't need to be afraid as she had been able to satisfy them at one point in her life. Again, this sex therapist is earning every penney we are paying her from my perspective.

You are very right about the trying to bring things up at least a day ahead of time, if at all. The "...we've got an hour before dinner, let's take our clothes off..." approach is just not going to work and will just create a fight or flight response in my wife. The advice you and others have given me is to back off and not push so hard. I need to keep repeating my new mantra "this is a marathon and not a sprint" and that I need to give my wife some space and time. Your advice is right on.

At the end of the session the therapist repeated the exercises she had given to my wife and to the both of us. She included the specific time commitments and acts that my wife had agreed to. It was up to my wife to keep her promises and I was not to remind her or step in if my wife choose not to keep her promises. The therapist asked us to email her halfway to our next session and provide her with an update on which of the things we had done. The therapist also asked if she could call my wife after the email and chat for 5 minutes about how we were doing. My wife agreed to all of it. Then the therapist helped us create a mental visual image of a sexually happy couple and asked us to focus on this image over the coming weeks.

I feel that the therapist has stepped in to be the person who does the reminding on the promises and that (from reading between the lines of what the therapist said) what I viewed as "leadership" was just initiating a destructive fighting sequence with my wife. I feel that the therapist wants to break any kind of "demon-relationship dance" between my wife and myself by stepping between us on doing the exercises. Part of me wonders if I was truly stepping in to "leadership role" or was being sucked into a fight by my wife over my wife's lack of action. That thought will keep me awake at night for a few weeks.

I am really impressed with the sex therapist we are seeing and feel she is a no-nonsense lady who isn't going to let my wife (or me) play any games. I am so happy about that!

I like your idea about the heart rate and blood pressure measurement, but think I will not bring those up. But as you suggested, I'll bet the readings would go sky high anytime touching, sex or getting naked are approached.

Again on this emotional roller coaster, but I am excited about the future. I will see how reality rears its head and be taking a more "passive" role for the next few weeks. I guess I will try re-reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and working harder on GAL, plus making sure I keep up with the exercises that the therapist has given me.

Thanks again for the support.