Just curious what are they and how are they enforced, honest question, I haven't read about your boundaries and i think that is a big step.
I stand my ground when it involves my kids being pulled into stuff. Well, at least I let W know how I feel about it. There is nothing I can do to stop it. But she knows I don't agree with it. If I was such a coward, I wouldn't even do that.
Also, if there is a change of plans with regard to my kids such as birthday events, etc, I let her know what the options will be if the kids are on my time. And that is what they are. She has no say so in it. So yes, I do set boundaries and put out there what I think when it involves the kids.
Maybe for myself I am not the best at it. But I am not bad when it comes to my kids.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
How come nobody is focusing on the ENTIRE conversation between K and his W? Yes, she called about her new job but in that same conversation she told K she might need to borrow money.
Every contact his W makes with him (that he shares here) is either to boss him around, get him to change schedules for the children or do something for her. She is just quite masterful at masking her requests/demands with sugar and spice.
K goes on and on about his W has no respect for people that don't have "good jobs" and don't make "good money". Yet it is just fine when the tables are turned and she NEEDS something because at this time her "good job" has not started and she is not yet making "good money".
When she offered K all the broken and battered furniture (then tried to dictate what apartment he should live in since she kicked him out of the house) she sure as hell wasn't worried about his money situation then.
K has patterns but SO DOES HIS W.
She either butters him up by tossing him a few crumbs or she stomps her feet and bitches until she gets her way.
That does not mean things cannot change but right now they are NOT changing. It does not mean you should not focus on some positives but that also doesn't mean you should ignore all the negatives.
Disclaimer: Everyone's situation is different. While some are similar, what happened in one isn't guaranteed to happen in another. However, hearing other similar experiences can help us learn. That being said ...
I distinctly remember Memorial Day weekend 2007. W out of blue was nicer than she'd been to me in months and suggested me, her, and the boys go away for a fun weekend like we used to. Ended up at her family's for part of the weekend, mine for the rest, in general having a good time and feeling more like a family than we had in a long time.
Turned out she filed for divorce the Friday before and I was "served" on Tuesday.
I urge caution on reading too much into friendly interactions and trying to figure out their motivations.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
The reason I posted what I did above (RE: post about depression) is when you have a problem (ex. JOB LOSS) your mind seems to drift back to your W. The other day you posted how tired you were of this life, how you want your W and kids back and so on. I don't think it was any coincidence you made such "down" posts about your marriage situation on the same day (or close to the dame day) of finding out about your job loss.
Hell yes a job loss is scary. No doubt about it! However it seems when you have a "scary" thing happen (a secondary trigger) you go back to your primary trigger of depression and that is your W.
Let's say you got offered a 250K job tomorrow with full benefits and a company car. You would be pretty stoked, no? You will feel a natural high. But once that high wore off and the job became a day to day thing your mind would wander back to your main depression issue (your W). Since you never leave that state of main depression it is always present but can be "hidden" by other highs and lows.
Yes, I have these repeated cycles of when something goes terribly wrong. I let it get me down. I worry far to much. Sometimes it even freezes me in fear. But I get past it. I always get past it.
Ok, so I don't get past missing my W. I am not sure I ever will.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Also, if there is a change of plans with regard to my kids such as birthday events, etc, I let her know what the options will be if the kids are on my time. And that is what they are. She has no say so in it. So yes, I do set boundaries and put out there what I think when it involves the kids.
Kevin
No you didn't. You changed birthday plans to suit her father's wishes. And you put the burden of choice on your eight-year-old daughter.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
That is an excellent way to exhibit a point, Drew!
And I think that is what all of us are trying to say... while every person/situation is not the same in MOST cases WAS's are not all that unique. They are even less unique after the step outside the bounds of marriage.
Every time my H was "decent" to me within days his attny did something outlandish or he (he = my H) was on the verge of doing something outlandish and cruel.
I mean, the day your W insisted you change the plans for your daughter's b-day dinner at the crab house to accommodate her dad.. the man that acted like some sort of crime boss and threatened to "take care of you", what happened? You changed plans and the very next night your W told your children and YOU at the same time they would be moving and going to a new school.
Yet she gives you one hug a week later and mentions she is singing at church and all the negative patterns SHE continues to present are forgotten. We take the good with the bad and the bad with the good, I get that but at what point does one out weight the other?
The furniture wasn't broken and battered down. It was just furniture she planned on replacing. She didn't tell me where to live. She just insisted that it be up to her standards of safeness. I can't really argue with her. There was an apartment I was looking at that was close by that wasn't the most expensive place and she had questions about it so we got the police report and found that there was a bit more activity than we would be comfortable with. She insisted I not live there. She threatened to go after the kids if I did. I found a place a bit more expensive, further away and safer.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
No you didn't. You changed birthday plans to suit her father's wishes. And you put the burden of choice on your eight-year-old daughter.
I didn't change birthday plans to suit her fathers wishes. I told W I would let D8 decide if she wants Joe's crabshack that night or if she wants to be with W's family. W didn't like that and told me I better not influence her decision. I asked D8 what she wanted to do. She thought about it and talked about it and said she would rather go hang with the family. I said ok and then we did that. But I was firm with W that if D8 wanted Joe's Crabshack, that was where we were going to go and they were welcomed to join.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
When you get mad you post something... and yes, I remember very clearly you saying your W wanted to keep the "good" furniture and leave you with the "old" furniture and you were none to happy about it. But now, well, now that isn't the case I guess.
And when somebody kicks you out of YOUR OWN HOME they sort of lose the right to "dictate" anything. But now it's much different than how you painted it before.
That is what is hard to understand. You are very upset when it happens but when we try and point out cycles of negative behavior you say "well, it wasn't *that* bad".
A few days before Christmas 2007 - we opened presents as a family the night before I took the kids to Mexico on vacation. However, I had D papers and a status quo protective restraining order for the kids all drafted up at my L for filing when I returned from vacation. Boundary enforcement on steroids!
