That's ok... just follow OW then. IF they aren't separated she will lead you to him eventually... better yet get a FRIEND to follow her so your car isn't spotted.
You just need to know where he lives, then you wait outside until she leaves then you knock on the door is all it takes.
IF they aren't separated that's GREAT news because it means he's a LOT closer to her H than your H wants her to be.
Yes, do check into the court system but dont' share anything with your H... Your responses to him last night were PERFECT... just IGNORE him... get him on the defensive...
If you act worried or cooperative he's going to think he can have his OW and you as well... you have to show him clear and cut that its HER OR YOU and NOT both.
Your H is feeling guilty right now and is going to LIE about everything he CAN to avoid looking bad.
He has violated someone's home too... and he on some level will feel bad about that... so his first reaction is to
1. Tell you OW and OWH are getting a divorce (as if this exonerates him) 2. Tell you OW and OWH are separated (this doens't put him in the clear either)
But the info he is sharing shows you
1. He's worried 2. He feels guilty 3. He's got a LOT of stress on him right now
These three things are GOOD for you... its doing YOUR work for you now...
If YOu can invite FRIENDS to your home who KNOW .. VERY CLOSE FRIENDs.. have one at your home every time your H is there...
Your H won't bother you about this stuff if you have a friend there... tell teh friend to NOT even LOOK at him.
He will hide in shame elsewhere in the home until your friend leaves.. just leave WITH your friend... don't be ALONE if you can avoid it.
You don't need to takl about the affair with your friend.. justtheir presence will get your H off your back and that means he will stress even MORE..
Your H's response to stress like this is typical - talk to you... even if you don't want to.. He's going to keep trying to do damage control on you.. IGNORE HIM.. get a friend to BLOCK his efforts by them being there if you an... BOTH of you just ignore him.
Let him sweat... this will work itself out you'll see
Just jumping in here--sorry for the thread jacking.
What's breaking my heart right now is the failure of all the DB'ing, and the faint hopes I had pinned on the affair dying out. Apparently all is well in affair land, and they are both dreaming of how they will re-decorate the house, once that little inconvenience of a 23 year partner (old, drab, so not exciting compared to OW) is out of the way.
I know, I know, the DB'ing is for me. And I do have a life, and I have kept busy, and started training for a half marathon, and all sorts of good things for myself.
But, still, the lack of any process, and closure, and discussion, is just killer.
So who out there is still putting any stock in the statistics about how long affairs last?
All the advice you are getting here is good--it is all about protecting yourself and building your new life. I sound terrible and bitter here, but following these boards has been a life saver these few months.
If you can expose the affair and then go dark, do it. It will be best for you, and may work well for your M.
Best of courage and strength to you!
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
mb28, While I have no personal experience with infidelity in a marriage, I can say that I have been almost obsessively reading this message board and I have followed many sitch's for a very long time. It seem that strong, quick decisive action seems to work best. "Shock and Awe" kind of thing. Knock the cheating spouse on their butt with your confidence to not cave on any of their demands and absolute refusal to get sucked into conversation etc. unless the affair ends. TO own their own mess and hit bottom, to let some friends and family know so that the end of the marraige is not conveniently "mutual" but one-sided and people know it. I read many that try to outshine the other person or not rock the boat too much or read too much into what the cheating spouse states. It seems like being Plan B is somewhat acceptable. Or don't set boundaries quick enough or let the cheating spouse continually "rule the show".
You may want to read RockedWorld post in piecing and previously in Newcomers to see how she stood her ground as her husband wanted a D to continue his affair with his 24 yr old OW.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Yes, act quickly , but don't stress yourself out... In these situations there's a risk of you panicking and acting on impulse... avoid that at all costs. You need to keep your wits about you and SOMETIMES that means stopping to breathe.
I agree that acting fast is important, but dont' act fast in a panic.
Stay calm and control your impulses and you will do very well here, you have a lot of positives going for you here... I think the chances of this turning out well for you are quite good.. it does take time.
Re the length affairs can last... their lifespan is heavily dependent on two things
1. How effectively the BS fights back 2. The ability of the OW and WH to mature before the romance fades away.
The affair can last years if the BS doesn't fight back effectively... The affair can also last a long time if the two unfaithful partners find the maturity needed to face the realities of life as a couple (given their start, this almost never happens).
The long term success rate of affair couples according to Phil McGraw is less than 1%. This does NOT mean affairs end in six motnhs... But in this case I don't see it lasting long...
Seen H last night for a few minutes, his night with kids. No R or D talk, I just kept busy. I got the sense he wanted to talk to me, but I never gave him the opportunity. Going dark is very hard.
I forgot to mention that the night before; he did say to me "She is the only friend I have that I can talk to about us because she is going through the same thing". Of course I didn't reply, and then he said, "She is worried about her job and kids, so I guess we can't be friends anymore". That makes me wonder if the exposure scared her off.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
