That's interesting. I have been separated for about 4 months now. I insisted on staying in the family home (afterall I wasn't the one who cheated) and my W is the one who moved out. We have a fairly structured visitation schedule in place. Part of that schedule is all of us having Sunday dinner together as a family, which means we are together here at the house for about 2 hours or so. There is no tension and it is generally a pleasant time. We looked at it as providing our girls some sense of family stability, but now I need to think about the fact that we may be sending them a false sense of hope.
S4H - besides your now thinking that a false sense of hope may be occuring in your girls, what about yourself? I would not fret it too much now, but if your M is on the road to a D like BBJ's, you will need to eventually ween the family time.
S4H - besides your now thinking that a false sense of hope may be occuring in your girls, what about yourself? I would not fret it too much now, but if your M is on the road to a D like BBJ's, you will need to eventually ween the family time.
At first it did give me a false sense of hope - something along the lines of a door not completely closed. That hope for me is now gone, but you're right at some point, the Sunday dinner's will need to end.
S4H--I suppose that depends entirely on you. In my situation it isn't a once a week, preplanned deal. 3 or 4 nights a week Dan winds up at my house with me and the kids. Or he will text while we are out running errands to meet us for supper. It is a common occurrence which makes it hard for me to detach, bc I wrestle with, "Why are we split up when we can enjoy ourselves together all the time?" If I am thinking it, I bet the kids are, too...
If yours is once a week for a few hours, maybe that is not a big deal?
BBJ.... WTG for last night. That's it..... that's what it looks like.... sounds like.
Little subtle hints like that he'll get the picture.... I feel though and be on the watch for pitiful Dan... he's coming soon. IGNORE!
Sorry Sid is sick... they have had a rough winter which means you did too!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
So many that are separated with kids have a schedule in place for visitation?
Yes, do you or don't you do things together....or how do you avoid the false sense of hope as being mentioned ?? These are all questions I have too...hard to know
When we were seperated he was over ALL the time. Just didn't sleep there so he could be faithful to his affair partner. Whatever. Once he filed he suggested the guidelines for our county. This meant he would get them one day a week and every other weekend. We used to do things together but not once he filed. There was no use pretending at that point. His parents though still wanted me to do all the family holidays, to me that would have been too painful.
I think know that you have filed would certainly be the time to put the parenting time in place and again, not at your house!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
a)This can be misleadng to the kids as they see us together and think that we are ok or that we will be ok/getting back together
b)This is 'rescuing' behavior because we take on the consequences of H leaving the home. If he chose to leave, he chose to leave, so he doesn't get the luxury of hanging out there anymore. Where they go and what they do is his problem.
c)This is taking on his consequences to shield the children, too. Yes, they will be sad/upset when daddy isn't around anymore, or daddy has to take them somewhere else instead of 'their' home. But that is not something we cause so we don't have to make up for it. Unfortunately, disappointed kids are a consequence of a man or woman walking away...when we try to make it better we are just enabling the walk-away to feel less of the impact of their decisions
Thanks for explaining the rationale. I'm not sure if I'm convinced. Some parents continue to do things together after D, specifically to make things better for the kids. I believe that what's best for a LBS's dignity might be different than what's best for the kids. And frankly, having to see me all the time (even super-polite, pleasant me ) is a consequence for H...it forces him to directly deal with the discomfort that he has with his decision on a daily basis. It makes it a lot harder for him to get into the mental headspace of "starting fresh" that I'm assuming he desperately wants. But of course I am new at this and very confused and my thoughts on this are likely to shift a lot.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I did the really seperated things and the "coming over" thing. Honestly the coming over thing was 70% for me so that I could show him my changes and because it felt natural to me and 40% for the kids. When I dropped the rope we did the really separated thing. In both cases the kids were fine as long as the time we did the "exchanges" we were relaxed and cordial with each other. When we werent, the kids noticed immediately. The coming over thing, was very confusing to them. Their C was very strict about it and mad we kept ignoring her...
flowmom, my H responded BETTER to the REALLY separated thing. He started vocalising he wanted to stay at our home instead of just doing it which meant that he was actually thinking about it and was loosing face to do it, starting calling more often, started calling to talk to me and not about the kids, became curious.... It was not a coincidence.
Doing it so that he cant start fresh, is not the right motive. My H had a serious affair the whole time. Seeing me, didnt stop him. NOT seeing me, may have played a role to him reconsidering...
In BBj's case, there is NO doubt, the strict boundaries can ONLY do good. Bbj sweets, you have to finally realise DAN is not contributing to your happiness, he is minimising your chances to be happy. I know it sounds harsh, but it is the truth, at least from where I am looking at things.
You have used the kids, your religion, your past, his issues, everything you could to allow yourself to hold on to this man. I know because I have done the same. I am glad to notice that you are finally seeing the reality the way it actually is. K
When we are at the stage where we (and this may be BBJ's case) do not want a divorce and are still hoping that a miracle will happen, we compromise or find excuses for not putting up those boundaries. Why? Probably because of fear. We fear that we will somehow push our spouse away forever. In this case I would wager that the majority of folks reading along probably are on the "you can do better BBJ" train. But BBJ has not boarded yet. So I can write till my fingers ache or suggest self help books everyday, change needs to come from within. I think you need to have that aha moment. I am repeating myself and as strange as this seems, BBJ needs to answer that age old question truthfully. Is she IN or OUT. NOT I know, with all he did I should be out or he does not want me I should be out. YOU BBJ, in your gut....what is it that you feel? By your actions or lack there of vis a vis minimizing contact, I would say you are IN and there is a certain comfort in having Dan around. Not judging here at all, just calling it like I see it.
) is a consequence for H...it forces him to directly deal with the discomfort that he has with his decision on a daily basis. It makes it a lot harder for him to get into the mental headspace of "starting fresh" that I'm assuming he desperately wants. But of course I am new at this and very confused and my thoughts on this are likely to shift a lot.