What to do when H doesn't contact?

[25yearsmlc]

GF-

Standing and detaching @ the same time are both possible and you can do both. In fact, I think they are usually done together (not always-depends on situation).

If a man leaves b/c his wife had an affair then my advice would be totally diff, obviously. So it's not a one size fits all, okay? But from your sitch it does sound like two things are happening which you have no control over, MLC and depression in your h. So for you it's even more vital that your kids see YOU as getting well and GAL.

What you may really be asking is how can you have faith but also move on in a healthy way? To me, Prayer needs to be about what God wants for YOU and the kids, not aiming it at your h. Of course you can pray that God comforts and heals all your family members, etc. But as for your "petitions" or requests from Him, to me if we make it about the WAS coming back it's more of a manipulation and telling God "this is our list, do it....and if you don't do it God, then I'll be miserable"...and oops, we forget about the WAS's free will.

So make prayer about what you can do, in your life to change and improve. Ask for God to strengthen you for whatever is coming, so you can best handle it and KNOW that He WILL comfort and strengthen you to face it. So if your h chooses not to take his meds or goes off into the wilds with his MLC, you are still going to be alright. There are LBSers who think faith means thinking God will wave a wand and make the WAS come back but we both know if God's will ruled in the sense that no free will existed, you would not be here at all. We'd have no war, etc. Hence my discomfort about praying for your h's heart to be softened. I think it's fine to pray for that okay? But out loud with the kids...will come off badly with your h. Obviously since it did already....gotta NOT do what does NOT work...

So you ask for GOD to guide YOUR actions and give you strength to face whatever may be around the corner. Reassure your children that you will be there for them 100% and that you are FINE, or getting there, and that God DOES help those who ask...in HIS way...

I feel that when we know God is there for us, no matter what, we project an air of inner peace that most people want a part of. Ironically, depressed people usually want to be around happier people b/c they want propping up. It may not be healthy but being depressed is rarely attractive, and it sure isn't with your h. IF, IF he was and still is the man you said he was, then you need to back off big time - and let that guy resurface, without the pressure from you via comments or prayers...OMG don't mention that again. But don't chastize the kids. Let them pray silently after you do a joint generic prayer for "all your loved ones"...make sense? If they tell him what THEY prayed for, it's their call. You won't be responsible b/c what they told him, I am sure felt like pressure and pursuit. He has to have his own inner voice talking to him saying "WTH are you doing!" And not your voice forcing him to defend his choices....let him examine his choices, not defend them...

So, GAL fits all criteria. Can you afford some sessions with a DB coach? I found them MOST helpful and very very specific for various situations. Around where I live, the DB coaches cost the same as c's here and my ins didn't cover either, so, wth? I went with both for awhile, then stuck with DB for about 15 sessions! (I know!)

But hey, it got ME through so much. Eventually we went to Retrovaille which is very helpful IF and WHEN you work the program. In your sitch, seems to me you have to hope that guy you once knew is still in there, and that given time & space, he'll come up for air and when he does, he'll see what he is missing and it won't be a sad self pitying despairing woman, right? No it won't! You'll have kept the road home paved and smooth...how?

By letting him see an upbeat, happy woman with a life, a woman who meets her own needs, and is raising wonderful loving kids who are fun and growing up fast it is HE who is missing out on a great life....what fool would want that? He'll see a woman who offers a lot and is not a taker or someone who drains HIM....as for the kids... I know that is hard and you must ask the DB coach the question about the kids and their dad --b/c on one hand you want him to know they need a dad, which they do, but not a sick sad selfish one in their face-- but at this point, he's so depressed and weird in some ways, & turning his depression into outward anger (When it's often coming from inner anger at oneself) that saying that part out loud, will probably come off as a negative from you. Oh, I MISTAKENLY and PRE DB bought my h a book about "Why a Daughter needs a Dad"....big mistake. He resented the hell out of it and said "I KNOW!!" and if I had "just supported" Him, meaning let him live 300/3000 miles away, all would be well, then all would be well....(#$%Y!!!???!!) (Sigh). Thank God that time passed...

So for now, I'd act as if things are fine at home and he's an idiot for not being there. Discussions about the good times the kids have or how they are doing in school, not all the bad stuff but the good should be emphasized, etc. At some point, true, the reality is he'll have to face the damage HE has done to his R's with the kids. That is life. They'll let him know so don't worry that he's going to be sheltered from it long term. But he's pretty unstable right now so, let time and life hand him that, not you. Isnt' your job anyhow.

I know my h is facing the damage HE did to the r's with our children, esp our d's. It now STILL needs work and he gets impatient. Which sucks b/c hey, HE did it, not them....but (sigh) that is when you have to keep saying "love is a choice" and down the road you can choose that. Don't worry that detachment means you don't love him. UNTRUE.

It means you are focussed on your life, your needs,(& meeting them yourself) your kids, and not him. No focus on what you "lack" but on what you have. As Buddha said (I think),
"the source of most discontent is wanting what we don't have and the source of peace within, is loving what you do have..." In the grand scheme of things our lives are pretty damn great (we are not in Haiti, you are allowed to worship as you please, there is food in the refrigerator and will be tomorrow, no one is shooting at you or recruiting your kids to join a warlord's gang in the jungle - like MOST of the world faces daily) - I think I'm paraphrasing but you take my point. It's an attitude of gratitude and I'm telling you it WORKS and it IS attractive and it helps your kids. You have a lot on your plate but no control over what your h does. Accept that. So, how about this?

(In a book by Marianne WIlliamson-"Return to Love"--kind of new agey, but very helpful in this respect--)

TURN THE R WITH YOUR H, AND ALL YOUR PAIN AND ANGER...OVER TO GOD & HOLY SPIRIT...do it out loud in the shower saying it 100 times a day (I did this and as gimmicky as it sounds, it had power for me, and helped me stay calm and centered when I felt the world as I knew it was crumbling) and doing it in the shower helps b/c this way your kids won't think you are nuts. Yes, do it quietly but somehow hearing yourself doing it; turning it over to Him, relieves you....it lessens the burdens of the day so you can be fully present for your children - who need you now.

it's too heavy for you right now. And who wants the pain and anger to consume you? It will if you try to carry it alone. Be your best, do your best, and leave the results up to God. If your h stays away, becomes a Tibetan monk, joins the Foreign Legion, remarries....God will give you what you need to be alright. LET HIM.... To me, that's faith, standing, and yes detachment, in a sentence or two.
j-