how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

well, here's the story on my lunch with my H.

he got there a few minutes before me and grabbed us a table. i got a lukewarm hello from him but i greeted him with a smile and a "good to see you." we chatted for a bit about his job (his last day at his current job is tomorrow) and his family, as well as his new place (he cried a lot talking about that...said he wakes up in the middle of the night and doesn't know where i am) and the job he starts on monday. we did do some laughing, and actually, the tears were on his part. he's clearly very lonely at his new place and hurting very much and doesn't have much support.

he brought up a school talent show which his 14 year old sister is performing in tomorrow. she had asked me back in december to come which i of course said yes to (before all this separation talk), but it has since slipped my mind (for obvious reasons), and i did end up in tears over that. i love his sister very much and felt so awful that i was going to let her down and go back on my promise to come cheer her on. he said he'd had to cancel a dinner to go to her talent show but he also asked if i wanted to come. he said first it might confuse his sister if we both went, but he said he would talk to his mother to see if she thought it would be too awkward. so. there is a small chance i might go to that tomorrow. remains to be seen.

he did notice i had a new dress on. we talked about this weekend, and he said he wanted to come and take a few things out of the apartment, his clothes, books, a few pieces of furniture. i put on my best brave face and just smiled and nodded. he said it was hard being at his new place, and i said i was sure it was incredibly hard for him, so just trying to validate his feelings when i could.

we talked about finances and how we would pay our joint bills moving forward. no tears there, but...he did tear up a lot all throughout the lunch. he even apologized to me for crying. i did ok, but it did break my heart to see him crying. i can't watch ANYONE cry without wanting to cry myself.

the surprise was that he didn't give me any legal papers! nothing. i thought for SURE he would have a separation agreement with him. nope. NADA. i did not ask him about it and he did not mention it at all. i do not have a CLUE what that means. i did lose my cool one time...just before we got up to leave, "and i love her" by the beatles came on the restaurant's radio. and i walked down the aisle to that song at our wedding. i kinda lost it and i teared up big time, right in front of him. he ushered me outside and when i collected myself he said, "i assume that song got to you?" of all the songs on all the radios on all the earth...it had to be THAT SONG ON THAT RADIO AT THAT MOMENT?? throw me a freakin bone here!!

overall it was SO GOOD to see him. i have missed his physical presence SO MUCH over the last few days. he gave me a long hug before we parted. he was definitely crying.

i don't know how to feel right now. i want to feel optimism, but his sense of despair seems to have rubbed off on me...just a bit. i'm not giving up my fight or my hope. but. it's hard to stand next to someone with a rain cloud over their head without getting a few drops on yourself, too.