We figured out together that his depression and my need to "fix" created a cycle we've been stuck in for a long time but neither one of us identified. When I would "protect" and "fix" or "rescue" he would feel mothered, which would be a turn off, so he wouldn't meet my needs to feel special, romanced, pursued, etc. So I would withdraw in hurt and try to fix all the more... which would turn him off all the more etc.
Thank you posting this...I think that this had definitely been a dynamic in our marriage in recent years. Worst of all, I didn`t really pick up on the mixed signals from H when I did this. On the one hand it made him feel loved because on some level he wants that mothering, but on the other level my picking the mother role with him, I didn`t get to be the wife that I so desperately wanted. I urged him to get help, deal with his issues, etc. but I didn`t affirm my belief in his ability to find his own solutions. I also like the advice in DR to affirm the S`s positive moments when dealing with a depressed S.
Kalni, thanks for reminding me about Passionate Marriage. I read it years ago and I found it very profound. I`d like to re-read it.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
