BBJ, your thread gives me a lot of food for thought as we`re also separated and have young children to care for.
Originally Posted By: Virtually_Handsome
Set the boundaries for real.
Something like:
"Dan, when you have the kids, you need to show up at x:xx, and take them with you. Your visitation is not going to happen in my house. When it's time, you bring them back, get them in the door, and leave. You don't live here any more, and it isn't good for me or the kids for you to spend time here."
Is it really better for the kids to not have visitation in the family home? H and I have been going on the assumption is that it`s better for the kids to have some time with H in our family home. They are young and it`s their home. It does cause tension, though. H gets stressed and I feel like I have to be on when he`s around. But the kids still get to see their parents have some normal and pleasant interactions, which I think helps with their security base.
FM-
I was gong on the same assumption, that it is good for the kids' security to see us together sometimes and to be in their own home.
However my counselor said that
a)This can be misleadng to the kids as they see us together and think that we are ok or that we will be ok/getting back together
b)This is 'rescuing' behavior because we take on the consequences of H leaving the home. If he chose to leave, he chose to leave, so he doesn't get the luxury of hanging out there anymore. Where they go and what they do is his problem.
c)This is taking on his consequences to shield the children, too. Yes, they will be sad/upset when daddy isn't around anymore, or daddy has to take them somewhere else instead of 'their' home. But that is not something we cause so we don't have to make up for it. Unfortunately, disappointed kids are a consequence of a man or woman walking away...when we try to make it better we are just enabling the walk-away to feel less of the impact of their decisions
