I am leading Forrest, I am leading. Good to see you my dear!
Yesterday, I sent him a message saying I was glad he was healthy and that I would wait up for him last night to talk. He replied "Ok, thanks. I was glad you were there". He came around 1 in the morning. I had started a fire and taken a bath, calmed myself down, took a few notes and he came in while I was watching something on TV. I started talking after 20 minutes or so because I couldnt see him so nervous anymore. I waited for him to ask what I wanted to talk about but of course he never did.
I told him I wanted a few answers from him at our next MC session to questions raised there and I wanted to make sure he is clear about where I stand. I was quiet, determined, non-threatening, non-blaming etc etc. I was -almost- perfect!
I told him he needs to figure out what he wants in his life and what his goals are. As a Husband and Father. I gave him examples of what I mean and he said he understood.
Then I calmly explained to him the process that has been taking place inside me the last 3 weeks. This is it: I have been feeling increasing pressure to settle: Accept old patterns, Ignore hurtfull issues hoping they disappear, Hide my feelings, Dismiss my needs, "Enjoy" my loneliness, "Fill his gap", Find solutions that work for him, Initiate, Lead etc etc. I stress the word settle Vs compromise.
At one point, recently, I felt I had to decide to accept the above just for the sake of it. And as I was ready to, I couldnt relax, I couldnt agree with myself. It felt awful and it felt as if I was selling myself out. I had to face the issues about the kids, my father, my security, etc etc. I decided I STILL DO NOT want to settle. Not after what I had to face. I am not going to.
I explained that I am not the preson he left in many ways. Some better, some could be worse. His effort to "make me happy" by giving me what he gave me in 2006, only now severly traumatized by his A, lies and hurt, aint gonna work.
I told him since my choice is to be monogamous cause I like it, it's what fits me and my romantic ideas, cheating and getting things from "other sources" outside my M, is not an option for me. My only option is to try to create what I want with him, or if that aint possible, with someone else if I am lucky. I told him I am very afraid of what is going to happen and know that this is taking a huge step hopefully forward but I feel good and happy with my decision.
I said I do not accept his "pseudo-dillemmas" regarding his work as my issue. It's his and he needs to decide. I reminded him what the MC asked him: what would cost you more if you lost, your job or Maria? He didnt answer that. I said, it's one thing if he hasnt thought of that in that context and naother if he knows it's his job but he wont tell me. He is OBLIGED to tell me so that I can decide what I want. He gets a choice, I get a choice. I told him if he needs his job to create some kind of identity, fine by me. Many men are like that. But, that leaves no room for me or us.
I told him, I will not continue, without being allowed to express my frustration and voice my thoughts because HE feels uncomfortable and cant handle them as he said. I reminded him that thru the last few years, many people have asked him to work on himself. Even the OW did by asking him to go to IC to talk about his issues. -I remember her phrase "you are great at your job but lack deciseveness in your personal life"-
I said "I can see that so far, your strategy of "avoiding" the issue has "worked" for you because your parents allowed it, I allowed it, the OW allowed it and our kids are to young to "pay you back". How good it worked and with what consequences it's for you to judge. But, since our M, includes me, it wont work for me. If that's how you want to tackle your life, and consequently limit the potential of our M, tell me because I will not fight for something that is predefined to be lacking what I consider as basics".
I told him I will no longer justify his inability to do some basic things that to me are indicative of how serious he is about reconciling. He asked what I meant. I gave him an example of her number on his phone, something which I have mentioned twice to him.
I asked "how do you think I feel when I see your lover's name in the list of numbers, a person that you dont have any contact with, no longer work together and one that I still have great issues with?" He said that is ridiculous and simple. I said that is exactly what I think and if he cant decide what to do about something as simple, I can safely come to conclusions about whether he can decide about more important things. I stressed the importance of good will gestures and feeling I am being heard VS Ignored. I repeated that he can keep her number, gifts, letters whatever it is he has, he is free to do as he will, it's his decision, MY DECISION however is to NOT accept it. I told him "I am not from Sweden", his lover has no place in my house, NOT ANYMORE.
I told him how much happier the kids were in 2008 Autumn because I felt happy. I told him his inability to deal with issues that are difficult affected the kids as well because he COULDNT handle their emotions either and they leaned solely on me, they had no choice. Is that what he had imagined for them and for him?
He was listening closely, looking miserable, said he will answer to me on Friday and when I asked if he wants to add anything, he said he is thinking. I replied "Ok then, good night", kissed him on the cheek and went to bed. I could see his thoughts "oh man I am screwed, I need to make decisions now, she means business!!!!".
I have finally found some peace. I am USING my right to CHOOSE how I want my life to be and honestly I ONLY want him to do the same. I think the timing is right for both of us.
Please believe me, I am not crazy. In fact, I think I am finally coming to my senses. K
Hey Maria, great post. I agree with Forrest...in spite of the fact that you do not want to lead, you are doing it anyway. You have no choice if you want change. We often read that actions are stronger than words or what your spouse says needs to be backed up with actions. What continues to surprise me daily in this case is that there are little actions and litlle or no words. Something you related regarding a phone number on his phone made me realize what you are up against. Instead of dismissing your 'request' why does he not just erase it in front of you....why does he downplay your requests as trivial like that. I would have erased the number immediatelly...but instaed he chooses to say that the phone number of his mistress of 3 years on his phone is no big deal....anyhow, I have gone on long enough about a mobile phone...good luck at the MC, hopefully he will begin to understand soon that your requests are NOT trivial and need to be adressed.
John, it is even more puzzling than that. This is actually one of the few times he dismissed it and only because I didnt directly ask him to erase the number. I was just stating it as a fact to explain a few more things I decided I wont accept... When/if I do ask for something, he ALWAYS says he understands and agrees with me. Yesterday when I said 2 Fridays ago, when I broke down, you told me you would do these things one by one, 2 weeks later, what have you done?
So it sounds as if you have it figured out, or nearly so, for you. You can only control how you react, what you decide and what vision of your marriage you will accept. It sounds so simple doesn't it and yet somewhere in our minds we fight that tooth and nail as if we can bend someone to our will. All that causes is frustration and hurt on both sides.
You are at a good point and I am happy for you.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
That was a good talk, I am glad to see you have reconiled with yourself first. I am glad you are not going to settle. It won't/wouldn't get you far either way.... anyway.
I am anxious to hear is response. BTW the whole not remembering these words that would be important to any other man who was trying to get back to his wife is indicitive of MLC. Just going thru the motions.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I enjoyed reading youre post. It truly shows the steady growth that you have undergone. You have self-awareness (and I am a good one to spot that ..if I do say so).
Have the Lord guide you and continue to exhibit the great self-control.
