how do i keep my hope alive?

[talia]

OK - Advice for today - IMO

DONT SIGN ANYTHING. Just be light and cheery. Take the paperwork, tell him you'll look it over with counsel and get back to him. You need to be sure you get some kind of legal advice and protect yourself. Just act like its no big deal. And YES you should be looking absolutely fabulous - hey a little manipulation never hurt anything

As for your living Sitch - perhaps moving in with family is just what the Dr. Ordered. Helps with the lonliness, will help you get financiall stable and change your environment. 3/3 in my book!

Last thing. I know this is hard. STOP trying to determine how H will respond to what you do, how he will feel about what you do, or how he will react. SO WHAT if he thinks you are pushing him out - it was the BEST THING FOR YOU. Pack it all up - every last piece - you'll feel better(relative) - I promise!!

If you do the best thing for you and it "happens" to be good for him to, then great. If not, you have to only consider what is best for you, he's not going to, he can't. YOU HAVE NO IDEA what he will think of what you do. What he thinks about you right now, is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

You can do this - you're strong. Just be the best you possible and only focus on that. He'll see it!

Good luck at Lunch. I'll be looking for your post later with updates!


Talia

[trytryagain]

thanks, talia. i have no intention of signing anything today, just plan to tell him i'll look over it but that i'm not in a place to sign anything quickly and especially without counsel.

trust me, i'm doing my best to consider what is best for ME right now. i think the shockwaves of all of this sometimes keep me from seeing that clearly. part of me wants to ball up on the floor and cry, "but HE is what's best for me!!!" which i know is not only not true, but will also get me nowhere.

i'll post later about how lunch went. pray for me!!

[trytryagain]

well, here's the story on my lunch with my H.

he got there a few minutes before me and grabbed us a table. i got a lukewarm hello from him but i greeted him with a smile and a "good to see you." we chatted for a bit about his job (his last day at his current job is tomorrow) and his family, as well as his new place (he cried a lot talking about that...said he wakes up in the middle of the night and doesn't know where i am) and the job he starts on monday. we did do some laughing, and actually, the tears were on his part. he's clearly very lonely at his new place and hurting very much and doesn't have much support.

he brought up a school talent show which his 14 year old sister is performing in tomorrow. she had asked me back in december to come which i of course said yes to (before all this separation talk), but it has since slipped my mind (for obvious reasons), and i did end up in tears over that. i love his sister very much and felt so awful that i was going to let her down and go back on my promise to come cheer her on. he said he'd had to cancel a dinner to go to her talent show but he also asked if i wanted to come. he said first it might confuse his sister if we both went, but he said he would talk to his mother to see if she thought it would be too awkward. so. there is a small chance i might go to that tomorrow. remains to be seen.

he did notice i had a new dress on. we talked about this weekend, and he said he wanted to come and take a few things out of the apartment, his clothes, books, a few pieces of furniture. i put on my best brave face and just smiled and nodded. he said it was hard being at his new place, and i said i was sure it was incredibly hard for him, so just trying to validate his feelings when i could.

we talked about finances and how we would pay our joint bills moving forward. no tears there, but...he did tear up a lot all throughout the lunch. he even apologized to me for crying. i did ok, but it did break my heart to see him crying. i can't watch ANYONE cry without wanting to cry myself.

the surprise was that he didn't give me any legal papers! nothing. i thought for SURE he would have a separation agreement with him. nope. NADA. i did not ask him about it and he did not mention it at all. i do not have a CLUE what that means. i did lose my cool one time...just before we got up to leave, "and i love her" by the beatles came on the restaurant's radio. and i walked down the aisle to that song at our wedding. i kinda lost it and i teared up big time, right in front of him. he ushered me outside and when i collected myself he said, "i assume that song got to you?" of all the songs on all the radios on all the earth...it had to be THAT SONG ON THAT RADIO AT THAT MOMENT?? throw me a freakin bone here!!

overall it was SO GOOD to see him. i have missed his physical presence SO MUCH over the last few days. he gave me a long hug before we parted. he was definitely crying.

i don't know how to feel right now. i want to feel optimism, but his sense of despair seems to have rubbed off on me...just a bit. i'm not giving up my fight or my hope. but. it's hard to stand next to someone with a rain cloud over their head without getting a few drops on yourself, too.

[trytryagain]

also, i did tell him i've been doing a lot of reading and that it's opened my eyes a lot and given me new perspective on relationships and myself. i didn't ask him to read anything, but just told him it had been really good to finally understand myself a little better, and the way marriages work, and that i'd realized a lot of things about myself that i had previously been totally unaware of. all of which are true.

[Onthemountaintop]

but really, an air mattress and some of your clothes in an otherwise empty apartment is better than trying to work on your M?

It is a decision made, even if it is a bad one. My W really felt I was suffering and insisted to cook and offered to do laundry. I agreed to one, but in both cases I knew that it wasn't really a typical separation that way.

Lonely? Sure, at times. Quiet, yes.

[trytryagain]

It is a decision made, even if it is a bad one. My W really felt I was suffering and insisted to cook and offered to do laundry. I agreed to one, but in both cases I knew that it wasn't really a typical separation that way.

what do you mean by it wasn't really a typical separation that way? like it was a way for you to still keep in touch? i was wondering if i should ask my H to have dinner with me a few times once he gets settled in. i don't want to seem like i'm pursuing...but i also don't want to think that he's just eating take out and frozen pizza.

[Onthemountaintop]

First off, I’m impressed that you got that far holding back your emotions! I’m happy to hear that you can feel a bit more hope. I was noticing that if your lease is up in Feb, maybe he noticed that too and just wanted to move if you do patch things up… one can never know anything for sure. “We might hate a thing, but through it God brings much good”

I meant it wasn’t typical because many separations/people expect the man to be gone from the house. I think welcoming him into your life without pressure is good, just as long as it doesn’t become a control or guilt feeling for him AND you…

[trytryagain]

i am trying to be optimistic that by the end of my lease he will want to talk about me moving in with him, but that of course, is outside of my control. i know i just have to remember that god will take care of me no matter what, it's just so hard to let go of that urge to control things sometimes.

i have to wonder how much he is motivated by guilt right now. he just emailed me to apologize AGAIN for not "keeping it together" at lunch today, which i told him to not worry about.

he did also say that his mom decided it was best for the girls (his sisters, both 14) if i didn't come to the talent show. and he apologized for that, too.

what's with all the apologies? i told him i don't want him to feel like the "bad guy" for doing what he feels like he needs to do.

[trytryagain]

also...really not sure about all his talking about a separation agreement over the last week or so and having nothing for me to look at today at lunch. obviously no one knows what he's thinking except for him, but some insight would be nice!!!

[trytryagain]

also, i forgot to ask my H about the status of our separation in terms of dating, but it's a weird question to ask via email. i don't know if he wants to date right now or not and i know i certainly am not interested (for the time being), but i want to make sure we're both on the same page so no feelings get hurt...

any ideas on how to broach the subject??