You and another are who I was talking about in re: emails. I appreciate it. I picked up the book last night, and remembered why I put it down after the first chapter last time... I was crying, just sobbing while reading it. It was hard. I'll toughen up and soldier through it, though. I promise.
Thank you.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Pearl - Good thinking! I guess Mommy-guilt is almost really what it's all about... DUMB!! And, now, a new issue has arisen. S10 is an asthma kid. He just started w/the asthma gasping and coughing about 3am. It's scary, and has left him hospitalized. Headed off to the Dr. this am. I think we are getting it early enough, though!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
DB'ing has left me as a shell of a person I was. DB'ing has left me paralyzed in voice and action. DB'ing has assisted in stripping me of my self-confidence. DB'ing has assisted in stripping me of my self-love.
Well, if these things are happening, then I'd have to say you aren't doing it right! I don't mean that in a mean way, but DBing should be doing pretty much the opposite of all those things.
Originally Posted By: mindfull
I'm just left, alone in fear. And that sucks.
I think it is the fear that has done the thing you mentioned above. And it's the fear that keeps you stuck. I think it's the fear that needs to be attacked.
I think you should talk to our friend Stacy. She's pretty good at pointing out how the fear holds us back, and how losing the fear can save us. She's going to be out of town this weekend, starting this evening, but I think you should contact her next week.
So, speaking of the fear, let's attack it! What are you afraid of? If you can take control of your fear, you can defeat it!
DB'ing has left me as a shell of a person I was. DB'ing has left me paralyzed in voice and action. DB'ing has assisted in stripping me of my self-confidence. DB'ing has assisted in stripping me of my self-love.
Well, if these things are happening, then I'd have to say you aren't doing it right! I don't mean that in a mean way, but DBing should be doing pretty much the opposite of all those things.
I do have to agree something here is not right. This is not the way I understand DB'ing.
Quote:
So, speaking of the fear, let's attack it! What are you afraid of? If you can take control of your fear, you can defeat it!
I think this is the core question.
Are you afraid of D? You must take your fear and turn it into a shield. Use it as power!
Sorry to hear about S10's asthma. Of course if he's needing medical attention I understand why you don't want to leave him. But for future reference, don't let that mommy guilt get to you. My mom took a vaction by herself every year. She went to visit college friends or went somewhere with her dad. That modeled for me that it's ok to spend time apart from your family doing the things that make you happy. Both BF and I take solo trips or trips with friends (without each other) because we have different interests. We enjoy our time apart and we also enjoy our travels together.
Regarding your feelings about DBing, I think I understand to some degree. When I was trying to "be the better option" and not bring up BF's affair I was completely miserable. It destroyed my self esteem. That's when I decided enough was enough and I was through trying to save my R at the expense of myself. And while it's not strict DBing by the book(s), it was about setting and enforcing boundaries and becoming the best person I could be.
I totally agree with VH: you're acting out of fear. I have spent most of my life acting out of fear so I get that. I'm still struggling with it holding me back. But once I identified the problem and decided to stop making decisions based on fear I felt free.
FDR was right--the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Fear - of being w/out the person I'm closest to... Fear - of my boys growing up in a broken home... Fear - my daughter being alienated from the man she thinks of as Dad. Fear - not being able to handle it financially on my own (even though I make a great living, we're in the middle of an IRS nightmare). Fear - loneliness. Fear - losing my Love.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
S10 is on an antibiotic, steroid, and, now... maintenance puffer.
It was truly worth the price of admission today... seeing him in this little booth, blowing into this machine to measure his air flow, all white around him, and his little faux hawk standing straight on end (profile view). The Dr. and I got quite a giggle out of him.
This Doc is phenomenal w/the kids, and makes me feel like a million bucks every time we go in. He is so charming, complimentary, interested, and remembers everything about these kids and families...
What a waste! He's gay! LoL I had a nice, single friend of mine for him, and found out he's "not available to females"! Waste!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Fear - of being w/out the person I'm closest to... Fear - of my boys growing up in a broken home... Fear - my daughter being alienated from the man she thinks of as Dad. Fear - not being able to handle it financially on my own (even though I make a great living, we're in the middle of an IRS nightmare). Fear - loneliness. Fear - losing my Love.
M-I could have written that myself.
I was able to overcome my fear and replaced it with acceptance.
I know your sitch is a little different than mine as H and I are currently separated and he has asked for a D.
I no longer fear being without the person I’m closest to because that person no longer exists. He checked out a long time ago.
I have accepted the fact that my kids will be labeled as coming from a broken home, but this was not by my choice. If I handle things correctly with them throughout this process, they will turn out just fine.
My standard of living will decrease substantially. I will not be able to maintain the same household, but these are only material things and I will be able to provide my kids with the basic staples.
GIMA walked me through this. Is your fear of loneliness reasonable? Yes, there will be times you are alone, but you ultimately have a control over this.
I don’t know if I am taking your last fear in the correct context, but your love for H will always exist.
DBing is supposed to be all about improving you and if in the process your M is saved than more power to you. It sounds like you need to start going about making yourself happy. Work on conquering your fears. I know, sounds really easy...
BTW - Too bad about the Doc. He sounds like a real catch. I am glad he was able to work your S into his schedule.
(((Mind)))
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
