Question

[awest1217]

Forgot to say, I think finally standing up to him and saying I am ready to move towards divorce and letting him mull it over for about 2 hours made him realize quickly that I am serious. Even with the plan I have let him know that I am not going to keep waiting forever, and he said that he understood so I think this is the first time he knows I am serious and will go through with it.

Now I need to switch gears and make sure I am loving and supportive of his changes so he will continue with them. I started this morning by thanking him for the talk, dinner, and the plan. I reminded him of the plan and let him know I was excited for the day he is ready to come home. That was after the text I got that said good morning. love you.

[thegoodfight]

I have not read the whole sitch, but this sounds like a nice step. I would not be too supportive and loving until he shows a consistent and demonstrated effort! Also OW should be out of the picture completely! All in all sounds like some progress is made. It is good to be optimistic, but be weary until you verify results. That is for you so you are not let down if he fails to deliver what is promised!

[Lucky11too]

Excellent news Awest. Although difficult and a lot of ups and down, it seems like the meeting was very positive. You did excellent - calm, stong, sincere but loving. I think encouragement is good (although I'm sure you won't be able to fully give yourself to him until you see verifiable results) but I think everyone needs encouragment to let them know that you support them and to keep them track in the right direction. Definitely be wary b/c he has made promises he hasn't kept before, but give him this chance and support him on his progress. Thetapy can be tough and open up a lot of wounds so also be sensitive of when to step & and when to step back. It's exciting though that you have a plan and have a mutual goal to save your marriage! Yay! =)

[awest1217]

I am definitely treading with caution, but H is saying that he wants things to work and text me after work to see how I was doing. I wish it was a call, but he was waiting on a parent to call him (also a teacher) so that makes sense. He has to prove he is going to therapy and things with OW are exactly like he says and non-existent. We will see what happens with a therapist.

A lot of waiting, but it is better to wait knowing he is trying.

[awest1217]

Good/bad. H and I text each other yesterday afternoon and talked about our days. Then at 6 he calls and asks H and I out to eat. I had already made dinner, but gladly said yes because we can eat it later. H said he wants to really foster a good relationship, and since he hadn't eaten much all week, a specific restaurant sounded good so he thought he would invite us. Excellent! We had a lot of fun. Talked and laughed. Enjoyed S. He didn't text once or anything at all. He played for just a few minutes with S when we got home because it was S's bedtime. H had a headache (probably from not eating) and we left on good terms. He text me and said thank you and it was really nice.

Bad-I got on his AIM because I do want to tread cautiously. This part was good and bad as well. I can only read her side of the conversation so I don't want to assume too much, but he did talk to her (no no), but it wasn't too bad. She was mad that he went out to eat with H and I, but from what she IMed it seems that H was sticking up for us. H also asked about dinner for the two of them tonight, which makes me mad because he said no to pizza at his parents to do this. She said i don't know, which he got upset about because she will never plan anything with him. She then said something about how she is always overprotective because she thinks I am going to kill H. YEAH RIGHT! I am the one trying to save my marriage. She said some things that sounded like he was once again sticking up for me. After a lot of nothing, she sent good night without an i love you.

I don't know if I should tell H that I know about it, or just let this one go and see if it continues. I don't want him talking to OW, but through the conversation and her responses, they were fighting and he was sticking up for us, which is the first time ever so here are my options...

1. Next time I talk to H in person tell him I know about the conversation and let him know I want no OW at all again. I know he is just starting this, but we cannot continue to grow together if I am always worrying about OW and what they are doing. This will probably set us back when we are just starting again, but this way he will know that I mean business. After telling him Wednesday about AIM, he didn't change his password or anything and he knows I will get on again. In this option, I make sure he knows the boundaries.

2. I let this go for now, but if it continues then say something in a loving way. In this option, I am saying that he really is just starting and the conversation was mostly her saying how he was mad and defending herself, which shows he is starting to stand up for me and for our relationship. He hasn't cut her out completely, but he is working on it. Also he hasn't started therapy yet, and this has been a continual behavior with many women so I don't want to confront him when he hasn't had a chance to even see a therapist and start some type of process.

As you can tell, I am going to do option 2, but I am open for suggestions. I am documenting and saving everything so if need be I can say this is exactly what happened. I want to give him a chance to change. I really feel this is an addiction. He text me this morning and really is trying to foster a good relationship with me. There was only once yesterday I felt a twinge of uh oh when we were together and that is when I asked about the living situation. HE said he told the owners his intention is to come home, but things are still volatile and so he would pay extra, but doesn't want to sign a lease that would keep him bound to stay there. They understood and what got me is he said he told them if things don't work out then he would pay all the back rent. That is what upset me a little because I hate the negativity in that statement, but I realize I am doing the same thing by being reserved.

My plan right now is to stay low, watch everything, and give him some time. I will ask about the therapy next week so that way he has a whole week to call and I am not nagging. I also want to re-evaluate things each month and make sure true progress is made. I did say I wanted us to start counseling as well together so what I would like is to give him a chance to start and then by the beginning of March have us start together. If I see over the next few weeks that he is still talking to OW and there is not any chance he is changing that aspect then I will have to just talk to him about the most recent incedent and go through with the ultimatum.

[Kalni]

awest,
I would suggest NOT to tell him you know about the convo. I see no reason for that.
Everything I ever read says that there is a "gap" bewteen deciding to break up with the other person and actually doing it. It happened to me as well (to my H).

So, keep things light and easy. Now YOU have become the OW as far as she is concerned. Only difference is, their relationship is more fragile and she will probably push him further away.

Patience, caution, boundaries, happy times.
Stay strong,
Kalni

[Lucky11too]

It's so awesome to hear that he is trying and realing trying to
foster a relationship thru communication and spending time with you. Yes, I would complete agree with your decision about following choice # 2. It's nearly impossible for things to change over night but as long as he's making progress, you just have to continue to be open and understanding. Despite talking to her, progress was being made for him to finally stand up for you. It's good to have a reminder early next week about therapy to see if he's following thru. You obviously can't overpush it, but that was part of your agreement so he needs to follow thru. As we've been saying, you can't work on the M unless you guys work on yourself. You've already done that over the past few months and he needs to start therapy and start dealing with his own issues. So, it's a great plan to hold off on MC (like your plan of early March) to let that happen. Just deal with each situation as it comes (if you have to give an ultimatum, etc) but just keep positive for now and watch for progress. Also, about the housing situation, I know its frustrating that he's coming off as so negative, but unfortunately with depression, as he seems to be dealing with on some level, your mind can't help but go to negative thoughts. Hopefully these things along with his OW addictions can all be worked out thru therapy. Just continue to pray that the therapist is able to speak in a way that can get thru to H and help real change to happen! And haha, as Kalni said, you're now the OW to OW. Can't you just hear the jealousy in their convo? haha. And unfortunately for her, she obviously doesn't know how to handle it gracefully. Good news for you!

[awest1217]

Today I saw the other half of the conversation and H was not sticking up for me. He wasn't saying anything necessarily bad either, but I am definitely now the OW to OW. He kept lying to her about where he was on Thursday night. He told OW he was spending the night playing with S while I went to church, when he actually called to ask me out to dinner and then stay and hang out for a while. I don't like the waiting, but like you have said, it will take some time to completely break the ties and as long as I am aware and watch for that to end then I am know I am not going to get played again. Yes, he may not be telling me the truth, but he is lying to her more right now, and cynically I smile at it.

More good things. H and I didn't see each other last night, but we did have a good conversation. Today I had science fair in the morning and H text me three times to just say HI, hope things were going well, and i love you. He said to call him when I got home so we could hang out because I asked him to go to his parents with S and I. He constantly said thank you and how much he enjoyed tonight. At one point I did get upset and he asked what was wrong. H's coat smelled like OW and so I told him that calmly. He apologized (never said it wasn't), and said he would throw it in the dryer with a dryer sheet to get rid of the smell. I thought that was nice. We had a lot of fun and when he helped to put S to bed tonight, S asked about daddy staying and sleeping with him. H said soon. Now that could mean weeks, months, or years to H, but usually he is honest with S. Overall there is still progress to be made, but H is doing well, and is at least trying.

I need just be patient and not push too hard. This is usually where I have a hard time because we start getting closer and closer. I want more too quickly for H and so we end up moving apart again. PATIENCE

[Lucky11too]

Definitely, patience is a virture, huh. It's hard not wanting to just get to the finish line already when you can see it in your sights. He is definitely trying and he is definitely making an effort to work on the relationship with you. Like you are saying, just keep an eye on the whole situation with OW to make sure you aren't getting played, but continue to rejoice in all the positives. It will be exciting to see how conseling goes next week. Keep it up girl! =)

[ClingingToHope]

It's good that things are going in your direction. One point of caution. When he says I Love You, you have to take that with a grain of salt right now. Unconditional love would be ditching OW for good and going home.