I know you're having a tough time, I'm sorry for that.
What I don't know is when you're finally going to listen and believe what we are all telling you.
YOU CAN'T REASON WITH HER.
SHE WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU.
YOU ARE WAY TOO CAUGHT UP IN ALL OF THIS.
Stop calling her, stop texting her and when she calls you, be nice, keep it short and sweet and STAY ON THE SUBJECT AT HAND. ...nothing more.
This is all basic stuff that we have been over and over on this thread.
I know you have good intentions but what you are doing is making things worse. You have to stop and stay the course. You don't do this for a week and expect her to all of a sudden snap out of this.
Your only option is to let her go and focus on the CHANGES YOU NEED TO MAKE. That's all you can do.
You mentioned to me the other day that when you are positive, feeling good, and happy that she is down. Then when she is positive you are down.
Do you not see the role YOU play in this??
Of course when you are down she is going to feel positive.
You are SHOWING her that the decisions she is making are the right ones.
Anytime you show her any negativity and by that I mean....
Reasoning with her or being way too open about everything.
Being short or cold.
Being inconsistent.
The list can go on and on.....
You are giving her everything she needs to say..."see this is why."
Stop making the same mistakes. Stop thinking that this woman is your wife of old. Stop relating to her in the same old ways. Stop feeding this vicious cycle.
Start placing your focus on you and your children and nothing more. THAT IS ALL YOU CAN DO.
There is no way I am going to sit across from her, she will do nothing but argue.
Hate to do it, but think I need to take a sabbatacal on praying for her everyday.
Really, really debating on that, but can't think of any other way to let her go. It's been a daily reminder all day, to pray for her since all this started.
Looking forward to BBall season being over, then I will not have to see her once a wk anyway.
Met with Attorney filed a motion per atty's idea to get d in therapy she is out of control,I am starting to get in control.
I have never stood up for myself I am going to now.
matter of fact d just texted me and said she hates me and never going to live with me, because made her serve detention and told the asst principal if she doesn't serve it, suspend her. d went off like a rocket and still is.
wife called did the pretend to back me up, talked to her for 2hrs, i was calm,nice,collected.didn't talk about myself,did mention to her she didn't think everything thru.
she said need to focus on myself and kids, said exactly,letting you know wife only way gonna get this back.hinted i was at atty today, wife boasted she's only spent $1000, i have had to charge over $5k so far.regular put down stuff,tried to validate, wife said don't play mind games,said not, i made mistakes,acknowledging them.
i did let her know she made a couple mistakes and i am working on the forgiving part and how to keep her in the house and keep my word.Then she threatened me, i let her go, before she could say two wks from now wouldn't let her off the phone.
when she came by with d, wife got out of car, i said, the next time you want to talk we can do it in front of shrink,name the time and i'll be there, she said so now ur telling me not to call you, said you can call, i'm not going to answer.
text me from here on out.
walked away calmly,d thru fit,wife laughed at me.
THEY ARE NOT GOING TO LIKE THE MOTION I FILED TODAY.
But eventually they are going to like me, it hit me and the post last wk said, when am i going to stand up for myself.
well kids aren't going to respect me until i do, i don't feel good about myself because i've been giving it knocked out.
i'm going to stand up for myself, i didn't ring the divorce bell or steal or threaten, i didn't let d get out of control entirely, now i take responsibility because i wasn't vocal in the past, but D wants wkends with mom, because she doesn't have to be home at 11 with mom.
Game on.
Jack they were, so time for me to start showing her what she is missing.
By the way like wifes atty, she's so slow this could take until next yr, it's my atty that's going to fast.
found out wife's atty has had two continuances so far and ignoring the court, said good let her, i haven't made enough of a change and wife needs to do some work, why am i doing all the work on a divorce i don't want.
I HAVE GOT A HECK OF A FIGHT ON MY HANDS,ATTY,DAUGHTER,WIFE.
SO MUCH FOR AYK KISS'ING AND JUST TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING:)
I thought if could just narrow down to me and D,ignoring wife things might get better, for 3 days practiced KISS, i was taking on too much and spinning, told atty that and she said tough. you're not Kiss anymore kid, you're fighting on every front.
what a mess, but well i'm not dead and i really have a chance to show myself what i am capable of, for the first time in my life i don't have anyone to run to physically anyway, i just have me.
For some reason and i hope this lasts, i don't feel desperate. regret the past learned from it, don't want to share the future with anyone else, but right now, i need to count on me and rise up so the kids respect me, they told me, dad you got to keep your promises and quit talking about mom.
i'm man enough to admit, they are right. told them so too.
it is amazing learned some things with call with wife,she could tell i was calm, she stayed calm, but when we edged towards her doubt, she got mean. it's amazing the memory they have or how they can twist something easy into a twist and they really do try to make you feel worthless, got to admit, it took me a half hr to get over what she said, but i didn't cry or take it personally for the first time.
she told me how to save this, be strong, continue to put those kids first AND just flat leave her alone. think the only thing said that shouldn't have is very proud of you, wish you had expressed yourself more like this when we were married and once you realize because you put everyone ahead of your own needs and took on other peoples stress' as your own, you might get better for you.
i told her i need to make changes for me so they'll stick, and i didn't steal that from an earlier post and you might see them, but so far you're right, what you have been watching has justified everything you're doing.
i haven't given you anything to watch, haven't given anyone anything to watch other than a broken down desperate guy, working on that.
Now listen, standing up for yourself is one thing. How you go about it is another. No negativity, that is a weakness.
Be kind but firm, so what if she acts like a selfish little child. LET HER. You will find when your changes stick and you handle all of this the proper way she will begin to change how she interacts with you, and it's NOT going to happen tomorrow got me?
See what I mean when I say this is about you?
Who you are or who you want to be.
How you want to handle yourself despited the fact that there has been some pretty shitty stuff that has happened.
Make it about you and you will not lose my friend.
Quote:
they told me, dad you got to keep your promises and quit talking about mom.
Smart kids.....
Quote:
i told her i need to make changes for me so they'll stick, and i didn't steal that from an earlier post and you might see them, but so far you're right, what you have been watching has justified everything you're doing.
i haven't given you anything to watch, haven't given anyone anything to watch other than a broken down desperate guy, working on that.
Stop it!! Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop.
We have been over this, time after time after time AYK.
This is BAD!! Stop telling her this stuff. It's HURTING YOU.
It let's her know....ok he hasn't changed yet. See this is why I don't want to be with him.
It takes all the power away from your ACTIONS when you finally DO actually start to change!!!
Again.....STOP TELLING HER ABOUT YOU AND YOUR CHANGES YOU HAVE OR NEED TO MAKE. STOP TELLING HER ABOUT YOUR MISTAKES. It's written plain as day in your DB book you just read again.
It's up to you to do the work.
I'm seeing a pattern here. I'm seeing certain advice you are receiving doesn't even get acknowledged by you times.
