how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

thanks, OTM. your words are very insightful and appreciated. i know when he got diagnosed in the fall of 2008 that it was hard for him (he'd been diagnosed as a child) to hear, but at the same time, a relief that he could put a name to what was going on in his head all the time.

he has made a lot of mistakes (so have i!) and been an imperfect human being (as have i), but i would never ever say he wasn't good enough to stay with and that i didn't want him to be my forever. as you said, ADHD is a gift (oh my god, he's SO creative...and NEVER boring) and a challenge, and it can be very challenging to the non-ADHD spouse. i thought i had a better handle on it after he was diagnosed and i let things slide and i was more cognizant of what was going on in his head and i was also more appreciative of the efforts he was making. but time passed and i honestly forgot that his brain was different from mine and i began to pick at small things and seek reassurance and i know now that for someone with ADHD, it's even harder to take criticism than it is for those without.

my DB coach said that for someone who's dealt with ADHD their whole lives, they live with a constant fear of not being good enough, being told they are not keeping up, or are constantly called out for what they are doing that is wrong. and i know that in our M, my husband has felt that way (although i think he distorts his memory, as people feeling so much negative emotion tend to do) - that i focus only on what he does that is WRONG, instead of appreciating his strengths and even for him to FEEL that way breaks my heart, because i want my H to know every day that i think he is an amazing, courageous, brilliant person.

the thing that has been especially hard for me over the last year is his slow sinking back into what his IC called "self-medicating" - H currently is not on meds for ADHD and doesn't really seem to need to be (although i'm not a doctor) - but he does drink a lot (more than i think he's willing to admit) and he does smoke pot on a daily basis. both have driven me over the last few months to push him more and more to lighten up on both of those, but obviously i approached those things the wrong way. i felt like the more "grown up" i was getting and the more ready i was for things like a house and a family, the more he was going out, drinking with his buddies, and spending time focusing on his work (oddly enough, despite the weed, it doesn't slow him down at all in terms of getting in the way of him being a fully functional, very productive person who holds a senior level position with his company). i don't think he has been honest with himself in regards to those behaviors and i've read enough to know that the last thing i should be doing is pointing them out to him, which is what i want to do when he is bent over, crying that he tried and tried and tried to make this work.

but the fact is that i love my H very much. he is so funny, and (when we're not in crisis) we have a playful, loving relationship. i tend to let the criticism fly when we go out on the town and he downs upwards of 8 or 9 beers and 3 or 4 shots of jack and i have to take him home (on a wednesday night) and put him to bed, but i also realise that the more he hears from me, the more he withdraws and engages himself in that same behavior that i ask him to stop.

it's great to hear from the perspective of someone who has ADHD. my H doesn't talk much about having it, so i don't know that much about how his brain is working throughout all of this, other than i know that he needs and wants to be able to escape all of the "noise" at home and collect his thoughts. maybe he will come to his senses, maybe he won't. once he was diagnosed, i really thought i was "special" enough to be the non-ADHD spouse, because i know it requires a lot of patience and letting things go, which i did well at first and then let slide over time. i want to show THAT W to him, because in my heart i know that while it's hard (even his sister has said she didn't know how i could be married to someone with so many ups and downs), it's also incredibly rewarding (i get the SWEETEST, most thoughtful gifts and notes from him), and not something i am willing to throw away.

i know that right now he's feeling like the struggles we've had so early into our marriage are a sign that they will continue long into our marriage and i've often thought about raising children with him, and again how challenging/rewarding it could be. i don't know what the future will hold for us, and i do pray that god opens his heart to the idea of reconciling our M and living up to the potential that i know we have together. i have probably not told him as much, but he is my hero.

thanks again for your insight. i'll scope out ebay for that mind reading device.