I am leading Forrest, I am leading. Good to see you my dear!
Yesterday, I sent him a message saying I was glad he was healthy and that I would wait up for him last night to talk. He replied "Ok, thanks. I was glad you were there". He came around 1 in the morning. I had started a fire and taken a bath, calmed myself down, took a few notes and he came in while I was watching something on TV. I started talking after 20 minutes or so because I couldnt see him so nervous anymore. I waited for him to ask what I wanted to talk about but of course he never did.
I told him I wanted a few answers from him at our next MC session to questions raised there and I wanted to make sure he is clear about where I stand. I was quiet, determined, non-threatening, non-blaming etc etc. I was -almost- perfect!
I told him he needs to figure out what he wants in his life and what his goals are. As a Husband and Father. I gave him examples of what I mean and he said he understood.
Then I calmly explained to him the process that has been taking place inside me the last 3 weeks. This is it: I have been feeling increasing pressure to settle: Accept old patterns, Ignore hurtfull issues hoping they disappear, Hide my feelings, Dismiss my needs, "Enjoy" my loneliness, "Fill his gap", Find solutions that work for him, Initiate, Lead etc etc. I stress the word settle Vs compromise.
At one point, recently, I felt I had to decide to accept the above just for the sake of it. And as I was ready to, I couldnt relax, I couldnt agree with myself. It felt awful and it felt as if I was selling myself out. I had to face the issues about the kids, my father, my security, etc etc. I decided I STILL DO NOT want to settle. Not after what I had to face. I am not going to.
I explained that I am not the preson he left in many ways. Some better, some could be worse. His effort to "make me happy" by giving me what he gave me in 2006, only now severly traumatized by his A, lies and hurt, aint gonna work.
I told him since my choice is to be monogamous cause I like it, it's what fits me and my romantic ideas, cheating and getting things from "other sources" outside my M, is not an option for me. My only option is to try to create what I want with him, or if that aint possible, with someone else if I am lucky. I told him I am very afraid of what is going to happen and know that this is taking a huge step hopefully forward but I feel good and happy with my decision.
I said I do not accept his "pseudo-dillemmas" regarding his work as my issue. It's his and he needs to decide. I reminded him what the MC asked him: what would cost you more if you lost, your job or Maria? He didnt answer that. I said, it's one thing if he hasnt thought of that in that context and naother if he knows it's his job but he wont tell me. He is OBLIGED to tell me so that I can decide what I want. He gets a choice, I get a choice. I told him if he needs his job to create some kind of identity, fine by me. Many men are like that. But, that leaves no room for me or us.
I told him, I will not continue, without being allowed to express my frustration and voice my thoughts because HE feels uncomfortable and cant handle them as he said. I reminded him that thru the last few years, many people have asked him to work on himself. Even the OW did by asking him to go to IC to talk about his issues. -I remember her phrase "you are great at your job but lack deciseveness in your personal life"-
I said "I can see that so far, your strategy of "avoiding" the issue has "worked" for you because your parents allowed it, I allowed it, the OW allowed it and our kids are to young to "pay you back". How good it worked and with what consequences it's for you to judge. But, since our M, includes me, it wont work for me. If that's how you want to tackle your life, and consequently limit the potential of our M, tell me because I will not fight for something that is predefined to be lacking what I consider as basics".
I told him I will no longer justify his inability to do some basic things that to me are indicative of how serious he is about reconciling. He asked what I meant. I gave him an example of her number on his phone, something which I have mentioned twice to him.
I asked "how do you think I feel when I see your lover's name in the list of numbers, a person that you dont have any contact with, no longer work together and one that I still have great issues with?" He said that is ridiculous and simple. I said that is exactly what I think and if he cant decide what to do about something as simple, I can safely come to conclusions about whether he can decide about more important things. I stressed the importance of good will gestures and feeling I am being heard VS Ignored. I repeated that he can keep her number, gifts, letters whatever it is he has, he is free to do as he will, it's his decision, MY DECISION however is to NOT accept it. I told him "I am not from Sweden", his lover has no place in my house, NOT ANYMORE.
I told him how much happier the kids were in 2008 Autumn because I felt happy. I told him his inability to deal with issues that are difficult affected the kids as well because he COULDNT handle their emotions either and they leaned solely on me, they had no choice. Is that what he had imagined for them and for him?
He was listening closely, looking miserable, said he will answer to me on Friday and when I asked if he wants to add anything, he said he is thinking. I replied "Ok then, good night", kissed him on the cheek and went to bed. I could see his thoughts "oh man I am screwed, I need to make decisions now, she means business!!!!".
I have finally found some peace. I am USING my right to CHOOSE how I want my life to be and honestly I ONLY want him to do the same. I think the timing is right for both of us.
Please believe me, I am not crazy. In fact, I think I am finally coming to my senses. K
