One day at a time....

[Kalni]

Girls,
I risk sounding like a broken record but I wanted to share with you a couple of things of what I am reading. I read the book a while ago. I find it priceless during piecing.

"It's often hard to "take the hit" of going thru your crucible (DS's theory)and moving on. That's why many of us have yet to get a life (we get a support group instaed). "Taking the hit" refers to the subjective experience of challenging your identity, your world view and your relationships.

Self soothing decreases marital mayhem by reducing your reactivity and the chance of emotional violence. Taking the hit develops your ability to modulate your own anxiety and tolerate the pain of growth (differentiation)(his basic theory, differentation Vs fusion)....

Oysters dont produce pearls because they want to make something beautiful, pearls are the byproduct of an attempt to reduce their irritation (a grain of sand). Likewise, self soothing turns marriages'irritations into useful and productive relationshp gems. The more partners regulate their own anxiety (hold on to them selves) the more stable the R becomes and the less need they have to control of each other.

When we expect our partner to shield and protect us from insecurity and anxiety, we are placing undue demand on the marital system (likewise for empathy and validation). We are more likely to exhaust the system:whenever anything goes wrong, we expect our partner to fix it or when angry, we take it out on them, when unhappy or scared, we demand reassurance. Eventually we drain our partner especially when he has his own issues to self sooth.

Self soothing is critical to developing a more accurate pic of yourself and your situation. You need to self soothe the embarassement that commonly accompanies a more accurate pic; the obviousness of it, in retrospect, makes you wonder how you managed to delude yourself for so long. Typically some chagrin accompanies every growth spurt.

Converesly, the accuracy of the picture affects yoru ability to self soothe because that accuracy determines whether you feel clean or dirty pain.

Clean pain comes from moving froward from an accurate self picture, accepting what has been, is and will be. That's not easy to do or often done which is why most of us know a lot more about dirty pain.

Dirty pain comes from defending, denying or deflecting to keep from seeing or doing something. The dirty feelings comes from dodging yourself. Dirty pain is what you feel before you take the hit. It is the pain of repeated mistakes promoted through self imposed blindness and offers no healing.

Clean pain is different. No shame or anxiety are involved. You stop struggling and relax. It is the HEALING pain of accepting the reality of your life and embarking on effective assessment, planning and implementation. It's hard to soothe clean pain. It's almost imporssible to soothe dirty pain.

If you are having trouble self soothing, reconsider what you are soothing yourself about. At times it's amazing how well we can handle clean pain, how much hurt we experience and still keep going. We function well -actually increasingly better- while our chest physically aches. It's not the same however with dirty pain. You cant really soothe yourself while you are dodging part of the truth...

Passionate Marriage did help me realise a lot of my issues druing my M. It was hard to accept my responsibility and as he says, in retrospect, I was amazed I let it get to the point it did (my actions). It is now helping me deal with my "clean pain". I have no shame but I am in deep sh$t trying to plan and implement changes that I cant postpone anymore.
My H deals with his dirty pain. He knows his repeated actions that caused him misery, he still chooses to dodge himself.

I "am holding to myself" as Schnarch says by trying to keep the vision of who I am, what I need, how I want to b,e CLEAR and I love a phrase in the book that says, "when you are moving forward, growing, your partner's best choice is to be there with you as an equal partner which means, he is forced to change as well by your change without you ever requesting so. You are changing the rules of the game".

I hope I didnt confuse you guys.
K

[Butterfly1]

THANK YOU!!!! I'm going to the library today to get that book!!!!

[rockedworld]

Thanks for the comments and encouragement everyone. Kalni, thanks for your post from Passionate Marriage. I am going to look into that book too. I know that self soothing is something I need to work on.

I am realizing that before the A was busted and H re-commited, I had gotten to a place of some healthy detachment,...I had to to survive that sitch. Now, I can see I have started to slide back towards too much dependency again, especially feeling responsible for his feelings, etc.

So, today... I did what I would have done when actively DBing. I did not call or text H at all and let him do the initiating. He did. I only responded, didn't initiate. I responded in a friendly, upbeat way but didn't pursue. I struggled with anxiety, though. I worked on self soothing. It is coming...

[Clife]

Hi, I'm new to this thread but have been following all of your sitches.
I wanted to say that reading these few comments has really helped me. I get to a stage, usually midweek when i feel like everything is on a downward slide towards giving up, texting an angry or pathetic plea to my H.
But I have always known i steered our marriage, i pushed. He is the laidback kind and i'm the driver, emotionally. Except where work is concerned, then he is very driven. Thats our problem.
Anyway, as you say, i need to let him be responsible for his feelings and i be responsible for mine.
If he takes longer to come to a conclusion that benefits the family i need to let him get there in his time.
Its just so hard. Waiting.
But i feel i'm getting better at that. Only i always used to let it fester and resentment overload caused our marriage to crumble.
How do you get the balance right in speaking your mind about your feelings of dissasifaction and not pushing for answers in a vulnerable time?
So sorry for hijacking your thread ladies. x

[Clife]

Hi again.
Also i wanted to say that i have a sitch that is the reverse of yours. I was the one who met a man, then two weeks later separated from my H.
It is a very long and complicated story as is everybodies stories, i'm sure.
My H has been working away from home and returns at weekends. That has been going on 9yrs now. He became more work obsessed. I became more resentful. too simple a summary, i know. I'm not placing the blame anywhere but at my own feet.
I did start a thread, months ago. It didn't really go anywhere as I was in such a bad place i didn't keep up with the posting. I got heaps of support simply reading other peoples threads.
If i repost could some of you take a look at my situation. I could really use some of your valuable insight on a more personal level.
Sorry once again. x

[flowmom]

RW, so glad that you`re here in piecing.

We figured out together that his depression and my need to "fix" created a cycle we've been stuck in for a long time but neither one of us identified. When I would "protect" and "fix" or "rescue" he would feel mothered, which would be a turn off, so he wouldn't meet my needs to feel special, romanced, pursued, etc. So I would withdraw in hurt and try to fix all the more... which would turn him off all the more etc.

Thank you posting this...I think that this had definitely been a dynamic in our marriage in recent years. Worst of all, I didn`t really pick up on the mixed signals from H when I did this. On the one hand it made him feel loved because on some level he wants that mothering, but on the other level my picking the mother role with him, I didn`t get to be the wife that I so desperately wanted. I urged him to get help, deal with his issues, etc. but I didn`t affirm my belief in his ability to find his own solutions. I also like the advice in DR to affirm the S`s positive moments when dealing with a depressed S.

Kalni, thanks for reminding me about Passionate Marriage. I read it years ago and I found it very profound. I`d like to re-read it.

[rockedworld]

Flowmom... glad you found that helpful. I am wondering if this is a more common dynamic that we realize? It seems like a lot of us LBS's are fixers and resucuers.

Clife... thanks for posting! No apologies needed! Yes, please do start your own thread and let us know here so we can follow...

Journaling:

So, some progress I'd like to post (cuz I think we all need some good news sometimes around here... ;))

First, I was very proud of myself last night. I was home first from work and was enjoying myself, lighting some candles, creating a positive home environment etc. (something I am continuing to work on for both H and I, as well as kids). H comes home, looks pale and shaken. I ask what's wrong. He says there is an AA mtg a the church just down the block from our house and OW's car is there. Now... to put this in perspective OW attends almost every AA meeting there is - apparently attends at least 3 or 4 a week. But, we live in a small town about 30 miles from big city where OW lives and there are plenty of AA mts. in big city. H says he once mentioned that we live "a stone's throw" from the church where those meetings are held, but as far as he knows she never knew where we lived. Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she just has to drive around the block, see H's car and know where we live. It really got to H. I calmly looked at him and said, "so what? let her drive around the block. what difference does it make to us. You are here with me and the kids, you have made your choice, let her do what she wants. I, for one, am done letting her have power in my life." My H was very surprised and pleased by my response. He was able (after awhile) to let it go too (after peeking out the window continuously for about half an hour) and finally relax and enjoy the evening. I could tell it made a real difference for him and helped him feel like he can talk more freely with me about this because I am not reacting. Very proud of myself!

Second... today. I had a bit of a meltdown at work today. It resulted in me just generally feeling less competent at my job since this sitch started. I am less able to concentrate, can't figure out solutions like I used to be able to, forget things etc. This morning it really got to me. I went out at lunch time, got in my car and had a melt down. I wanted to reach out to H but was afraid he wasn't able to handle my emotions, or would feel dumped on, blamed etc. But I was really struggling. I remembered my IC said I need to stop protecting H from my feelings. So I texted if he had a minute to give me a call and he called right away. I told him how I was feeling and he was so helpful, supportive, affirming... everything I needed, and everything he used to be to me before this sitch! He asked why I hadn't called right away this morning and I told him I wasn't sure if he could handle my emotions right now. He said he wanted to be here for me and these are the things we need to do... be there for each other. He affirmed the insights we talked about the other night about our R and how he feels hopeful that we will find levels of intimacy and connection we have never had before. I so needed to hear that. I realized that he needs to do this for me. He had told me at one point that he was attracted to OW b/c she was a "damsel in distress" and he got to be the hero. He had thought of me as so competent, strong, capable... it didn't seem like I needed him anymore. So, me showing my weakness and reaching out met needs for both of us. I don't always have to be the strong one, the fixer! I can reach out and let him be my hero sometimes. What a turn around! I feel lighter, encouraged, supported... and like there is hope!

[pearlharbr]

Yay for a postive update, even if it involved a little breakdown. I know I talked before about not showing your H every single emotion every time you have it, but keep in mind that I'm a few months ahead. I was breaking down in front of BF for months because I needed to get it out and I needed the reassurances from him. It's good to show others that we do need them in our lives. We just have to be careful to not let it become a crutch and depend on others to make us feel better all the time.

[rockedworld]

Good clarification Pearl, thanks.

This is where I get stuck sometimes, as I have felt a bit in a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" scenario. One of H's complaints of the state of our M prior to the A was that I was "tuned out" from him, didn't pursue, didn't need him etc. Yet, during DBing I had to learn not to pursue, to detach etc. So, now with piecing, it is a tough balance for me to figure out when to do what. Still struggle with it, but am going to try to "trust my gut" a little more on this.

[flowmom]

RW, it sounds like you are showing really positive leadership in your M, and that your H is welcoming your guidance towards finding a "new normal". We're cheering you on!