In a strange way, I can feel your grieving and understand it, but partly for the opposite reason. If it hasn’t been clear, in some ways but not all, I’m in your H’s position but I don’t have a wife that seems to be fighting for me – maybe it is all perception.
When I look at my W’s clothes, her, and memories of her, I am filled with a flood of guilt for thinking about D, remorse (both for the marriage and for considering leaving it), and sadness to have hurt and be hurting a person who I care about and our kids. Still, would you settle for a H that cared for you, but didn’t fully want to be around you very often? I don’t think my W could – can you?
It is a very guilty feeling to be trying to make someone and oneself happy while thinking (or having thought) about ending that very same relationship. The first time I seriously looked at my R, as do many couples, is around the 3rd or 4th year. It was also in my 4th year I got an ADHD diagnosis, too. A diagnosis changes a man’s view on himself as a person, as a man, a provider, and more. Having finished university and more, I didn’t feel I lost opportunities because of it; I’m not sure how your H feels about it and how it might impact his new job. Can you imagine why he (and I) have felt at times the need to get away to focus on just one thing. An escape to a lower stress level can be very attractive. Isn’t fixing something more stressful than leaving it?
I completely understand his point of view, from what you said, that he felt he cannot truly be accepted by you for who is and who he believes he will become. My W thinks things are resolvable but it would be a ‘hard, uphill battle’. I would agree that’s true for her and perhaps that is always true for the S of someone with the GIFT and STRUGGLE of ADHD... There have been days my W said that she thinks everything will be fine, and then later on said that I ‘hadn’t changed’. The latter is the message I hear most often. She can stop saying it, but I think it would be at least a few years before I could believe it! My W does understand adult diagnosed ADHD, but that isn’t the same as really getting how that impacts a worldview, relationships, and decision making.
For me, I yearn to struggle for a woman that I was sure was the person I would be (hopefully) in Paradise with, but I do not feel that with my W. I know I’ve had doubts from day 3 of my relationship with my W, but a month into my marriage I had a wonderful daughter born, so I stayed in the marriage hoping for the best. Five kids later, I have to say that I can’t help keeping those thoughts down. And that is the other side of the coin, isn’t it? Marriage is forever…so convincing your H through your actions might be the best way to show that you might be the person he’d regret ever leaving. He also might be thinking that your past history shows that staying was impulsive. Thinking something doesn’t make it right, but it can make the thought very stuck in the brain!
I might be personalizing when I’m writing because of my own ADHD, so take my thoughts with caution – I really think you should love and enjoy your feelings of love for him unless a D does actually finalize or unless you decide one day that he isn’t good enough to stay with. Think forever, he probably is – he might be exaggerating this thought, too – I’m sure he love things that are new and exciting as do most people with ADHD. I don’t know how to gauge it, but maybe you could start ‘dating’ him again in a month, even if you separate tomorrow. Go out places, have fun and show him the more confident, positive and motivating person you are becoming. You know…if you had a mind reading device, you really could communicate with your H much better…maybe there’s one on EBay?
Anyhow – I hope this helps you get up tomorrow and look forward to your H finding himself. I truly hope it is with you and he ‘comes to his senses’ soon.
