This forum is NOT for the thin skinned. Good for me, mine is pretty thick. I could see how some might get offended, but I certainly am not. What you read in my post is pretty much what is going through my head right now. I did not try to edit it to make sense, cuz the way it came out is about the way it is in my head right now as many of you pointed out-confusing as all get out!
Let me clarify a few things. First-Absolutley I still need lots of work!!! When I say I'm a catch, it's probably not on looks. I base that on qualities that are important to me. Honest-hard working-family first-kind-fun-integrity. I'm not perfect on those, but I'm good at them. For the first 15 years of marriage I was NOT fun to be married to for sure. A workaholic, not very empathetic, not a very good communicator (I still have a way to go on this) I pulled my weight and thought everyone else should pull theirs. I don't quite see it the same now. I've come a long way (I think) on the communication part. I ask, but more important I really do try and listen. Don't get it right all the time, but I am so much better at validating my wife's and other feelings, I just have to really work at it! So in that way I feel, maybe rather than say I'm a catch, I should say I feel like I deserve much more than I've been getting. Not for one or two years, but for the last 12-13 years. My kids can see it, but the W has rarely, if ever acknowledged it. Rather she seems to constantly live in the past, bring up even trivial (not to her I guess) but things from 30 years ago. (remember when you didn't open that door for me at my 25th B-day party?)
Another clarification-Yes she did have a PA. When I say everything but the deed itself, well let's see, nakedly humping each other, groping regularly, everything but putting the peg in the hole (I'm told). At times I've wondered if it actually just didn't really happen and she just can't tell me? I personally could not have done the things she was doing and not gone all the way. As to giving her grief about it? After her confessing, as she knew I was pretty much up to speed on it already, but she gave all the details a little at a time the first few weeks back together, and there was not much said, if ever for over 15 years. When her coldness, and complaining reached a fever pitch and every other day type thing, which included every thing I had ever done wrong from day one, to which I would always ask-why do we always have to live in the past? I sat down one day and wrote her a 6 page letter pointing out the unfairness of always bringing up the past and my many mistakes in it. I used her affair to attempt to point out that although that was about as big of a mistake as one could make in a mariage, she never, ever heard about it from me (she has since agreed that I DON'T bring it up.) But at that time she used that letter as a basis for justifying why she could leave with no notice, even though she used other items from the letter other than that.
Before that happened there were other events. Some how out of the blue our pediatrician who was divorcing just caught her in the hospital parking lot one day and kissed her. She was flabbergasted. My uncle who is 25 years her senior showed up at our door at 1 am to give her a necklace and she did not know why. Within a few weeks after the PA she told me she was going to spend the day with her cuz. I told her I was very uncomfortable with that as I was sure he had a crush on her. She told me I was nuts and was going to do it anyway. When midnight rolled around and she was not home, HIS parents called worried they were out having sex (I guess I was not the only one seeing it for what it appeared to be). She rolled in at 2am looking like hell. Apparently at around 10pm after a nice dinner and catching up with old times he just out of the blue leans over and tries to kiss her while fondling her breast. "Never been so shocked in my life" and walks home.
After round #2 and just a year ago, one day she tells me of similar accounts with some of my friends where they end up laying on top of her or something similar and she cannot believe what is happening. During her 10 month "vacation" as she calls it, her and 4 other folks meet at a man's house to listen to a business opportunity. Unlike the others, when they leave she has fallen asleep on the couch. She is "so surprised" when the guy comes in a few hours later and undoes his robe to reveal he's got nothing on underneath the robe. Just my wife's bad luck I am sure, Couldn't be her, could it? Stupid me, I never remind her of these events-ever. When she has related them and asks why these guys do this I have told her-because they know they can, with the messages you send them. Do I have a mean streak? Maybe so, but maybe it doesn't come out enough?
As for what do I want? Well that question was answered, but that is not reality at this point. In our faith, we believe you marry forever, not just this life. It's part of my dna. I have over the years become more committed to my marriage and wife then I ever thought possible and have never considered divorce an option. I thought she felt the same way. I also thought she would be completely faithful. I never considered myself a patient man. In fact quite the opposite. I have reacted to most of this over the years in ways I would have not believed as a young man, with more patience and forgiving then I would have advised a friend to do.
I have begun to realize that what I considered the impossible is true. Living like this cannot be any worse than a D (as far as I know right now) Because I value structure and organization so much, the fear of the unknown has been part of my unwillingness to even consider a D. Having an emotional connection has always been very high on my wife's list. She has felt like our only connection was physical (sex) and that was not cutting it for her. She has said often that I treat her different when we have it regular vs not. I used to deny that, but after trying to see it from her standpoint, I finally thought about it and agreed, and finally quit feeling guilty about it. Yes-if a married couple is not having regular sex, something is wrong, and one of the partners is probably not going to be happy and his attitude and behavior will reflect that. What a novel concept. I accept that my "regular" and hers can be different. When asked in counseling 15 years ago my "regular" was 1-2 times a day and hers was that a week. In the last months she has mentioned that if she felt we were best friends she'd be happy twice a day, (and I'd be hard pressed for that in a week-how times change). But for me it is the closest thing we have to an emotional connection right now and THAT is why it is so hard to give up. With all of life's challenges right now with biz in the toilet, the mental issues my son has and trying to support him that way and financially, I crave some vocal, emotional-mental support and especially from her. If that's all I get, I am darn sure having a hard time saying, "Nah I don't need that today. You take your little hot bod and get on back home to that trailer with your dog who gets more attention then I do" Now that is what I WANT to say at times, but the nads seem to have fallen off for the reasons stated.
On the plus side. I do make myself unavailable compared to just a month ago. I let her call. Sometimes I don't answer. I end the convo first. I don't talk about the R much at all. I not only act happier and less needy-I actually am!
Would I be devastated if she filed? Of course. Would I go into a-no sleep, depressed state again for 8 months? I don't think so. For ME, getting angry or flippant about it helps me become more detached, independent and helps me regain my self confidence. I have never had an issue about knowing where I want to go and what I want to accomplish until she pulls her dissapearing act. I have concluded that it pulls me so far away from who I really am and who I want to continue to be that I've finally realized this is just not me or what I want out of a marriage or a wife. This IMO is not the normal I seek or desire, nor should it be.
I am trying to break the cycle I let happen. I am trying to stand up for me and what I believe is not right. The hard part is sometimes knowing what right really is. Do I continue to be patient? Maybe. Is 13 years enough of this behavior continuing in our marriage? Too much. Is this how I really want to live, with the fear that I will come home at any given time to find her gone again? Absolutley NOT!
Have I seen her wondering what's going on with me the last few weeks with the DBing and GALing-Yep. Will it change enough? Will it ever get better? I don't know, and there is the rub. Would she even go get counseling? I'd be surprised.
33 years is a fair amount of time to spend together, along with 6 kids and 13 grandkids and counting. I have a habit of trying to not just look at today or tomorrow, but way down the road. I'd like my kids and theirs to be able to know how to hang in there and work at their marriages the way I feel I have, and have an example of success. The eye opener is realizing that you indeed can only change you. I thought if I worked long enough and hard enough, I could change the R. She would choose to change. I am realizing that maybe she does not want to. Maybe with where she is at mentally she cannot? I struggle with my feelings of deserting her and our M, but my tank has been on reserve for so long trying to hold this family together and everything else and admitting I cannot do it all is just another whack on the ego that is shrunk up quite a bit right now (I was in the pool).
So-there is more than you probably wanted to know. I can't decipher my own feelings at times, so I am not surprised when other's can't.
I hear what you say. I agree with most of it. I am implementing some. I know I need to do more of it, and recognize the positives to be gained for ME by it. It may seem like baby steps, but on this end some of it is giant steps.
I'm sure I've not answered all the questions, but I am still open to more suggestions. I do want to save my M. I cannot rescue someone who does not want to be rescued. I must save myself if I am going to be able to help anyone at all. That much I DO know!
