how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

guess not so much of a victory...ran into our neighbor tonight in my building. the neighbor who's couch my H has been sleeping on. turns out my H is not staying with him anymore but is sleeping at his new apartment. my neighbor didn't want to tell me. i don't even know what he's sleeping on, i still have all the furniture, he must have borrowed an air mattress from the neighbor.

i'm so sad if that's the case that he's sleeping in an empty apartment on an air mattress when he could be on the couch here. why does he feel the need to punish or torture himself by living in that situation before even moving furniture? that breaks my heart to think of him there alone. but i didn't call or reach out, other than to respond to his text about our lunch tomorrow.

had my sister and her new BF over tonight...it was fun until the second they walked out the door and i was left with an empty apartment and a hole in my heart. i miss him soooooo much. it gets harder and harder every day to keep up my hope and optimism.