"He is not my beloved, wonderful husband in the sense he was before, he is a man that has hurt me deeply and I have to overcome all sorts of obstacles to let him in again."
You are about to learn more about your spouse than you ever thought possible. This is a walk of you.. and who you want to be.
The "obstacle" is you.. and your thoughts. The "why's". You can walk away.. no one is telling you that you can't. Just by walking this path you are "choosing" to stay. In "choosing" that path you are still giving.. or leading. I have always said.. someone has to lead. You can't lead half ass.. and you can't lead if your heart is not in it. You still have not made the choice to throw caution to the wind. How bad do you still want "this"?
"In one hand, I dont want to, because I am worried/scared he will abuse my heart again"
He will.. he is. You seem to still want it.
"I want that kind of relationship that is solid, strong and intimate, characteristics that cant be "achieved" unless I risk, put myself out there."
So.. what you are saying is that.. you know you need to step out of the comfort zone.. but you are scared of the risk?
To take from things that have happened "here".. what if he was "gone" this morning? What thoughts would you have then? What would you have changed? What would you regret?
"His role is big, mine is much much bigger. Not fair but true."
If you know you have to lead.. why don't you? Sometimes you have to yell and scream at people to make them follow. Sometimes you have to just do things and hope people get it. Sometimes you have to explain it/write it down for people to get it right. A leader always knows.. exactly which one of those things to do.
From what I know about you.. you can yell and scream. You can "Do Work". Your post count imply's that you can write it down. Now you just need to use the right "tool" at the right time. Sounds simple to me.
Make choices.. for you and "yours"
Listen to that Little Voice.
Any way you you look at this.. you win. The people that follow.. win to.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
