(((Aver)))), The hugs I definitely have. I'm so sorry you are in this place. Advice, I'll give it a try. You are right, he is definitely in the "fog", and therefore reasoning with him is probably not going to work, right now anyway. I've had people on here tell me nothing their S says makes sense. My H has contradicted himself many times which I learned is normal for the WAS.
Aver, even though I keep using S (for spouse) please know your R was a life-companion relationship, on par w a M. So don't undermine yourself by saying because you weren't legally married, BF was free to start another R. He is a WAS, it's just that in your case there's not all that legal stuff. Have you ever read Pearl Harbor's posts? She is also in a non-marital WA sitch. And I believe her R has been turning around. I can ask her to stop on your thread if you want.
Re: the house. Even though you're not married, maybe it would be a good idea to consult a lawyer. Many have a first free consult. (I took advantage of 3!) You are both on the title, so I'm not sure what happens if 1 co-owner wants to buy the other out, but other wants it. There may be common-law statutes in your area, I really don't know, but it might be good to find out your legal rights in your state. Or maybe a mediator. You also need to be in protect-yourself-mode my friend, said the pot calling the kettle black!
You are right, where BF lives when his lease is up, not your problem! The fact HE wanted you to move into the apt. (SO glad you didn't do that!!) & take over the house might even be legally suspect. It's sickening I know, the sh**y things the WA does. I think you maybe want to check this out w a L, or mediator, rather than a C for these reasons.
Aver, don't beat yourself up for being upset. You have every right to your emotions & need to grieve and feel them. You NEVER need to apologize for your pain. Believe me, after almost 10 mos. I still will have the crying jags. This is safe space for all of us in the same position.
Also, if BF is pressuring you, & you need time to sort it out, tell him that. This is a pretty big deal & not one you will be rushed into a decision on.
Please take care of yourself today. Can you do something nice/fun for yourself to get away from this for a bit? Hugs & lots of support (((((Aver))))).
I did consult a lawyer early on. There's no common law here. If one of us wanted to, could serve papers, more or less, to force the sale. I also spoke to my cousin who is a lawyer, and he advised just to let it lie. See what he does.
If it came to forcing the sale, it would be big and ugly and come down to who has deeper pockets. We are fairly matched $ wise, but he also has a GF to chip in $.
I will take your advice, though, and call both my cousin and a local lawyer again. Get a little more solid advice.
I have appointments with my financial advisor and rep from retirement plan coming up. I will be asking about the implications about liquidating as much as I can to have $ in hand.
I spoke to the bank and I am pre-approved to re-fi the house on my own. I would then have to find about $40K to pay him off.
I could live with NEITHER of us having the house, but at this time I cannot have him move in with her.
Another big fear I have is that he will move into one of the apartments when they open up, to force me out in emotional distress. As he is co-owner, I don't think I would have legal ground to prevent that.
If he expressed that he was going to do that, I think I would contact some of his guy friends, for whom he has great respect. They haven't seen or spoken to him since his did this. Anyhow, I do think I could ask them to beat some compassion into him.
Other threads have talked al ot about simply saying "I'm not ready to talk about that yet" as relates to a divorce or the house. I hope I can keep saying that without him getting ugly about it.
I'm sorry you suffered so much financially through your sitch. At least X has kept the $ on the up and up. And we always had separate accounts.
I have so much work to do on detaching and improving myself. And honestly, after 7 months of crying, drinking too much, being constantly busy with friends, work, volunteer projects...I don't know that I have grown at all. I don't know that I have changed for the better at all. Sure, I can call the heating guy. Sure, I am ready to clean out that icky drain.
But what makes me a better person? How can I get some focus and clarity on that? How can I get some growth and benefit out of this horrible sitch?
Sorry for the ramble--thanks for checking in--
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Hi Aver, I'll check in on your thread but wanted to see how you're doing today. I think it can't hurt & can only help to get L opinion on your options. IMO, all the smartest people on here say to do this. And it was good advice for me, so maybe it will be for you too.
How do we know if we're a better person, after going through this h*ll?? I sure don't have all the answers, but I do think you are beating on yourself right now. I think when I am most down about my sitch is when I feel the worst about myself. You can't see the improvements right now, you are in too much pain. I have felt this way too. I tend to pound on myself during the times I should be kindest. Our perspective gets skewed. We can't see clearly then.
Are you going to an IC? A good one can help you get perspective. Aver, you can't see it now, but you are changing. Think how self aware you are now. Go back & read some of your posts. I know how bad this sucks & I am no expert on self improvement. You are dealing with a kind of crisis right now, give yourself a break. Now is probably not the best time for critical self assessment. Others on here probaby have better wisdom. I'll stop by your thread soon. Take care (((( )))))
Last edited by LookingFrAnswers; 01/27/1009:10 PM.
Hi Kara, Thanks for stopping by! I appreciate any input you may have. I really admire how you are handling your sitch. It's inspiring & fun to read!
Where I am now, I guess is I don't see much hope. I am in the mode of deciding where to live (don't want to stay in this house), making corrections to the draft S agreement, and staying as dark as possible. Which isn't hard since H hardly contacts me.
I think last time I saw him was early Nov. Usually we email, & that is always just about house/dogs stuff. Once in Dec., about dogs, and twice in Jan. Oddly, his last email was an offer to pick up dog food & some other stuff at the wholesale club. Which he did early on in the separation, but hasn't in at least 6 mos. I just sent him a brief thank you email, and back to the dark.
Thanks for your support Kara. Can't wait to check in on the Double-K Ranch & see what's up!
X replied back with corrections to the taxes, fine.
And then a very formal .pdf, offering me $45K to get out of the house. It is actually the correct amount; he generously pointed out that I would really get $40k, but he will throw in $5K as "what we would have spent on court".
He lets me know that HE never agreed to a year. HIS sitch is such that he has to be out of his apt. by May. He feels he has more right to the house due to the emotional and sweat equity he put in.
Oh, so formal. These terms are to be agreed upon by March 31, 2010. Move out date is flexible, but by August 1.
Guess what? I get to keep the bedroom furniture. What a guy!
I was going to spend tomorrow calling lawyers anyhow. Just left a message with my cousin the L who is on vaca in Mexico. If there is anyway he can handle the bulk of the lawyering at a good or no cost, that will help a lot.
Of course, X has GF to help toss in some cash.
I'm just dying here. He generously gives me $45K and boots me down the street like an old shoe? unwanted, unneeded? He gets his life just exactly the way he wants it---house, new GF, same position in town, no change at all for him?
How did it come to this? how did a fairly friendly bill-paying event in December degenerate into L talk and .pdfs?
I did everything I was supposed to do... I let him go. I was NC. When we did have contact, I was happy and As If. No R talk , no pressure.
He is with someone that the gossip I just heard: " at the cast party, she seemed pretty drunk and inappropriate. She came up to me and said, "wow you have really great breasts!" WTF?
OW also told the director of the current play (to whom she commented on the breasts) that she would like to audition for the play. When she didn't the director said to X " I thought OW was going to audition?" X said "you didn't tell her when auditions were." Gee--you are so proud and happy with your new GF that you can't even tell her when auditions are, or where to look them up on half a dozen websites? doesn't sound like you are too proud of her!
Sorry, that's a rant.
I NEED HELP on the house thing. I know, I know, I can't do anything til I talk to a lawyer. L is number one.
Please help me to know that I can fight this. I CANNOT have her move her clothes into my closet! Put here toothbrush in my medicine cabinet!
Any help, any hope, any advice?
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
((( Aver ))) You can fight this. Sounds like your bets are even. Don't worry about OW moving in yet. I know, I know it sounds almost impossible for you to do it right now, most of my stuff is still in the house (stbxh is staying there and I don't have free access to it) and the idea of who-knows-who going through my stuff grosses me out. And you know what... so what! It's stuff, I care not to care enough for it to own me. Talk to your L, come up with a plan what's best for you. Keep the focus on you, not him or ow.
Yes,thanks. Our odds are just about even, true. But for me, it is all about the OW moving in, which is what would happen. We did so much work on the house together. She should reap the benefits of my hard work & money? Not!
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
X is pushing because his apt is up in May. So not my problem.
So it will come to court. And this pain is so horrible.
Some woman walks into town; takes everything I, and we had created over 20 years...my house, my partner, my place in town, now all my $ which I will need to fight this.
What did I did wrong? I let him go. I gave no pressure. And this affair is not an affair--it is his new life with a new partner.
And I get to start over.
Do I get the hell out of this small town? admit defeat and see what life holds for me elsewhere? But then he and she win. I leave town with my tail between my legs. Ashamed and abandoned. Unwanted and unloved.
Rocked, Pearl--while I am so happy for the turn around in your sitch, it also kills me. I feel I did the same as you--but I guess my partner isn't as good a soul as yours. Or there were too many years of silence between us to mend.
As soon as I can stop crying I will call another, local lawyer and get my ducks lined up.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
It is not about who wins or loses. In my opinion, you both lose out on the R. But it is also your choice to become a winner. Use this sitch to your advantage. Become a better person for the next R whoever it may be with.
I know exactly how you feel. Tears come and go for me too. It is perfectly okay to have all of these emotions. Then dry your tears and work on the things that you have control over. Work on making yourself happy again. This is something that only you can do.
(((Aver)))
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
