Next steps

[avermont]

Right. And the first step is to ignore his formal proposal. Second step is talk to L. 3rd step??

[newmama]

I think you won't know what the 3rd step is until you talk to L. But possibly come up with a back up plan if he buys you out?

sleeping pill is good advice...sleep as you know helpsour brain to solve problems while our bodies rest!

[avermont]

Well, can't take a pill as I am on rescue duty tonite. The only way he buys me out is if the court orders it. Then,who knows?? Just chuck my life here and start anew somewhere else? Dammit, he only had this great life here in VT because I had the job here and he followed me. It's my state!!

[flowmom]

I am giving semi-serious thought to going to school for nursing, and then giving insane thoughts to moving to Vancouver. Beautiful city; wouldn't ever see X there; lots of biking, hiking, snowboarding, coffeeshops. Seems like a gal could have a whole lot of fun there.

Vancouver is fun. But it's not a city I'd recommend for "starting over". Real estate prices are insane and so is the traffic. Even if you can find a place that you can afford, it's really hard to see friends move away because they are looking for something quieter and more affordable -- a lot of my friends in their 30s and 40s have moved in the last few years. I'd look for a smaller city with lots of recreation opportunities, access to colleges and retraining opportunities, and a more close-knit community. Most of my friends have moved to Victoria and Duncan and they are loving it. Anyway, just my ramblings.

Take care.

[avermont]

Thanks for the reply.

I do need to think about what I will do next. Just status quo? I love my job, but it is going through big changes that may make it less fun.

Go for the nursing degree just to do something entirely different, open up different opportunities?

do I really leave this state and town which I love and start over elsewhere? I can't help but see that as a win/lose situation--he wins, I lose. I guess if I were in a different place emotionally I would see it as a great new opportunity for me, not an admission of defeat.

It's just such a darn tiny town. And fighting for the house will take all my financial resources. Which makes staying with the job more important, and the ability to change careers less likely.

How have I failed so miserably? I kept NC as advised. I guess I just have to admit that he found the love of his life and I just wasn't it anymore.

Also hurting because a guy friend with whom I was hoping to have casual hookups (good for the ego!) and who totally led me to believe this was also an interest of his, said last night that he had been starting to date someone else. So he is pulling back from all the texting and teasing and suggesting outings that he had done all during Xmas break. Sh*t! He really had been acting like he was up for some casual fun. And I need some of that about now.

Have to call lawyers!

[avermont]

Update on theatre sitch:

Met with the director. Told her that I was pretty upset that they asked X to do the lighting design first, when the set/technical director needs are much more difficult than the lighting needs. Poor choice on the part of the production team.

She then reminded me that she had asked me to work on the set, earlier in the summer. In my state at that time, I apparently gave some non-committal answer, and then forgot all about it. She asked X to do the lights later, not knowing the sitch.

So I came back feeling pretty fired up to be a big help to the show--do a good design and help solve the technical problems--give me something to focus on and put energy into.

Unfortunately, this set back about starting to argue about the house has knocked the stuffing out of me. Achieving nothing today but tears; calling lawyers; blogging here; updating friends on the crisis.

Oh--I am going to clean out the horrible drain right now! I can't feel any worse than I do right now.

[pearlharbr]

avermont, I hesitate to post to you for fear of how you'll take it, but since you referenced me on LFA's thread I feel the need to clear some things up.

First of all, there are no guarantees in DBing. MWD says that plainly in the books. You can DB your ass off and still end up alone because some Rs can't be saved. That's why it's so important to work on yourself so that you are fine no matter what happens.

Secondly, no, you didn't do everything right. You have not let go. You say you have but you're not even close to being detached. The opposite of love is indifference and clearly you're far from being indifferent.

You have every right to be angry about the sitch. I was livid at the thought of having BF move OW into our house. But I reached the point where I decided I was done. Taking care of myself and putting myself first was more important than any feelings of hurt over a house.

Life isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people. How you deal with these things is your choice and defines who you are as a person.

You are on an emotional roller coaster because you choose to be on it. You can get off at any time. You can wallow in self-pity due to the poor choices your partner made or you can make your own choices that give you the best life possible.

Fight for the house if that's what you want. I would never advocate for anyone to just roll over and give in to what the WAS wants out of appeasement. But if you're doing it strictly out of spite then you're also hurting yourself by keeping yourself mired in the muck of the R breakdown. There is no shame in moving to another place and starting over if that's what you want (I love love love Vancouver, BTW). Think about what you really want for the rest of your life now that X is out of the picture.

[avermont]

Hey Pearl-

No worries on how I will take your response. I called on you BECAUSE you are a tough lover and a 2x4 swinger. I wanted your honest response.

I know there are no guarantees in DB'ing. I have been working on letting go of hope for some months now, and have come pretty close to feeling complete that I would not take X back now, even if he came crawling with roses.

No, clearly I am not detached. If I were detached, he could move the whole Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders into the house with him, and I wouldn't care.

That's why I hesitated to write to him: "I need more time to be able to deal with my emotions" because I didn't want to look un-detached.

As we don't see or speak with each other, my detachment or lack thereof can remain my project--unless I ask for more time on the house based on "please be considerate of my current emotional sitch."

So I am searching for a way--L in hand--to put off his request to move forward on the house now. Just because he decides to demand that I agree to his terms by February 28th, doesn't mean I have to do it. Right? He has just as much right to demand that I go stand on my head in the town square.

I can put trust and faith in the idea that there is some future point where I can honestly say: sure, have the house with your new GF. I don't really care.

But I am not at that point yet. I am just coming out of my pain enough to honestly consider a change of careers and re-locating as real possibilities. And it's harder to do that when I have to fight for a place to live, or if I don't fight, just go through the hassle of finding a new house. If I can stay here and take a year to look at schooling, career, living options, it will just be easier for me.

It is truly beginning to fill my mind that I can make this an opportunity to do something new or other with my life. The only problem being--I really like my life! I love my job, my friends, my town, etc. There weren't any major areas of dissatisfaction that I would have chosen to change.

Thank you for your words. Keep them coming. If you have any advice on detaching, keep that coming.

I like what you wrote about keeping the house out of "spite" and thus just wallowing. I will give that serious thought.

Thanks for the reminder on "how I choose to deal with these things defines who I am as a person."

Thank you.

[pearlharbr]

Saw this post on hhh's thread and I think it applies to you as well (emphasis is mine):

STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP OH, Did I say STOP??.
When does your life actually become about you? You come on here asking for advice but you do not seem at all commited to actually doing what we tell you. I would encourage you to take some time and go back... re-read your ENTIRE thread start to finish. 1) it will help you see how far you actually have come 2) you need to hear some of your advice again. EVERYTHING you post is about how to get him back, how to evaluate what he said/did/is thinking, how you can be better so he will see the light, how you can get him to interact with you positivly so he will see the light. WHERE ARE YOU IN THIS????? PLEASE FIND YOU and stop doing things for/in consideration of H.

H IS GONE. IT SUCKS, but he's gone. What could he possibly do now that is worse than that? HE'S ALREADY GONE, HE'S HELLBENT ON DIVORCE, HE'S MOVED ON WITH HIS LIFE. Please re-read that.... now answer this question honestly.. Why do you still think that things you do will get him to re-consider?? Please go find yourself an IC and work on these issues. When I read your posts they scream insecurity and low self esteem.

How is it that your job traveling alone and staying in hotels in now worse becuase H filed for D. Did you enjoy it before? Do you like your job? He's been gone for over 1 year. You need to get your mental status under control. YOU cannot do this on your own - go find a therapist. You need someone to help you sort this out.
Denial -Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance, the grieving process. It seems to me (I'm totally un-qualified) you are stuck between denial and bargaining. Find someone to help you with this... PLEASE. Nothing we tell you will help you unless you can get your mental attitude in the right place.

The crazy mixed up world we live in means that by doing ABOVE - YOU will be happier and become the best you imaginable. The only thing you can do to save your marriage at this point is pour yourself into YOU, YOU, YOU. Thats all. LET H GO. Make sure YOU are ok. You will somehow, someway find a happy place to move forward and IF IF IF H notices and comes back, BONUS. You have to do what is best for you. Remember, good men like strong, confident, self assured women they can respect. Can H Respect you based on your behavior recently?? No one can respect you unless you respect yourself. That means being true to how you feel and setting boundaries that protect those feelings. Its ok to still love H and to miss him and to feel sad about this loss. Just don't let honoring your feelings get in the way of making good decisions for yourself.

[snip]

Here's my last bit of lecture. How in the world are you ever going to push him away more??? Ask yourself how far away can he get given where he is right now. Just because you don't agree and aren't complacent in this D dosen't mean it has to be nasty. There are not ONLY two options. Divorce is not a team sport, but it dosen't have to be a contact sport either. You only do whats right for you no matter what it might do to H - and see what happens next for you ....

And I don't want to hear anything about "but I was strong and confident before." Do NOT give that up because X now says it was a problem. That's BS. In fact I don't want to hear any justifying responses at all. Just read it and let it sink in.

[avermont]

Yes, I saw Talia's response to hhh and thought: This is for me!

So thanks for making sure I saw it.

Just so you know, I am for the first time going back to your first posts--I had never read them--and learning about your journey. Wow, how people grow and change!

Keep the 2x4's coming, pearl. I need to get my brain in gear and focus on the projects that are good for me and my community.