Oh believe me, I don't drink and drive, that's why they dropped the charges. Yes, I was completely smashed, 1 of my "get out and meet new people" nights, and my DD took so long to get to the car I passed out in the car waiting for her.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
Last night I sent my W a text about our legal case with social services. It was an emergency situation, have about a week to file some paperwork and believe me she wants it done (mine has already been taken care of separately, preparing her paperwork is her job). She never called or texted back, but I did see her today for the 1st time in a long time. I asked if she got my text, turns out she got her phone partially shut off for nonpayment. She can recieve texts and voicemail notifications but cannot send or receive calls or send texts. She was more than civil, she was actually friendly, but the most confusing part was OM was not there and another guy was. As far as I know her and OM are still togheter, and I do not know who this guy is but I'm assuming their roommate. I guess all I can do for now is wait and see what happens.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
There is so much going on here it's hard to know where to start. Before I give advise, please know that I'm speaking from the experience of being married to an untreated bipolar H for 10 yrs. I have had recurrent bouts of depression. Sometimes, medication has helped get me out of the deep darkness. Now, I know my triggers and do what I can to avoid them as well as take very good care of myself. That said, here goes:
1) don't date right now. Tell the OW you're done and mean it. The last thing you need is someone else who's unstable in your life right now. Besides, it could backfire big time with a court and getting your kids back.
2) Take good care of yourself. School is a great start. So is the St John's Wort. Keep taking it even if you don't think it's working. It most likely is and it won't hurt you.
3) Check your school for counseling. Most have a center you can use or they can refer you somewhere. Most towns also have a county mental health facility. They usually provide care on a sliding scale.
4) Your W is not in a good place right now. If she's getting help somewhere, that's great. Give it a chance to work.
Quite frankly, I had to D my H because he was refusing to comply with his C treatment. At some point, you'll have to make that decision for yourself. But, it took years of medication and counseling for my exH to get to a good place. This is a long road ahead. Don't expect to get there over night. Patience is your friend.
If you haven't read it yet, get Michelle's book. It's very helpful. I also got alot out of Dr Phil's book, Relationship Rescue. They both really helped me get back to me. In turn that helped my R with my ex eventually.
Sorry for the long post. Keep coming here. The support is great.
Ya it's definitely tricky, but the 1 thing my W got right is when she told me we both need to work out our individual problems first. Here's my take on this so far:
dating - From what I understand from W's perspective is that being in a full out R is "moving on" and I want to avoid that, but not dating is in itself pursuing. So far I'd have to disagree on the no dating, but my last "date" jumped right into a 1-sided R. I gotta come up with a screening process or something....
school - School started this whole downfall in a way, it's what added 35 hours of in-class time to my already 40-hour work week. It added distance, but being in my 2nd attempt at my last semester I am going to finish this. My income will more than triple and I likely won't have many complaints about my job, because my study is my hobby.
St. John's wort - As I said before, hard to gauge because stress is down, but I'll keep taking it.
counseling - Social services is heavily involved in our case. Our kids were removed last March, the state has custody still, and my parents have physical custody. Because I was more emotionally "level" at the start of the separation (I wouldn't say stable as that was the height of my depression) I was allowed to move in. Things at home are tough because my parents have taken on the same roles my W did with accusations of not spending enough time with my kids.... does anyone not see a pattern why this happened? What I mean is I get accused of being lazy on almost a daily basis. Our D5 has a child and family re-integration counselor who I meet with weekly and rely on her mostly for professional support.
W's status - She is on seroquil and in therapy, and the state government is paying for it all through D5's medicaid as it's in her "best interests". 2 months on meds, the mood swings have improved, but the childish thinking of running from problems & defending things she's doing that are plain wrong still exist.
stress - I had been charged with a bogus DUI, got a public defender, thought I'd likely get a wreckless driving plea agreement. Turns out the state's attorney thought it was as bs as I did and dismissed it entirely. Assuming things go on the trend I'm on right now I will have physical custody returned sometime in March, W has a lot longer to go than I do. The "plan" given by my caseworker is even though I'd technically be allowed to move out into my own place I wouldn't be allowed to if you know what I mean, but would be applying for apartments in March for a move-in date as soon as school was out in May. This would allow me to get on housing lists 2 months ahead of time. My current stress is school 8am-3pm, work 6pm-2am... I hate this schedule. I pulled it off from Aug 07 to Feb 09, would have graduated May 09 if I could have gone just a little bit longer. I know 1 thing for sure - After I get my AAS I will not be seeking a BS, MBA, or PHD!
Yes, I'm not completely naive, and have been thinking she possibly made up a story about the phone, but I have heard of this before. Thanks for the feedback everyone, I'll keep you posted.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
Oh, where to start.... I haven't seen/called/texted W since last time we met. I found out the story about the phone is true because she has a prepaid phone she's borrowing from someone in the meantime and my mom has the number. Other than things being completely dark with W things seem to be going really well.... And here's where things go to [censored].
Before anyone reads this they should know this is not typical of my dad, as in nothing similar has happened ever. Due to my work schedule I don't sleep much. I have been on the clock until 2am the last 3 nights, thank God I get off work at 11 tonight. By the time I get to bed & up for school at 8 I get no more than 4 hours of sleep, and usually less. Since I am currently living with my parents my mom had been waking me up when my alarm went off & I slept through it. Last night I finally crashed from exhaustion & my mom gave up on getting me going this morning.... Enter my dad. He busted into the room, picked up an empty can of spaghetti sauce I had been using by the computer for sunflower seed shells, and threw it at me sunflower seeds still in it. He said some words I have never in my 28 years heard him say, in a way that no person has a right to talk to any other person, right in front of both of my kids. I restrained myself from doing what seemed like it should have come naturally, and sat at the end of my bed and took the yelling. He threatened to kick me out, which by that point sounded like more of a blessing than a punishment. I told him I wasn't coming home anyways, knowing that may have been an empty threat, but so far I am sticking with that decision for tonight. On my way out the door I figured I may as well get in a shot and stood over him while he ate his bowl of cereal and asked the most trivial thing I could think of to keep it from getting too serious - are you going to pick up the sunflower seeds you threw all over my room? I got a timid no, and said I think you're going to because when all my [censored] is out of that room they'll still be there. I left it at that and walked out. I thought of calling the cops because it would have been satisfying thinking of my dad, who is a doctor with his own practice, getting arrested for domestic (the can throwing is technically assault) going to jail and having his life interrupted for once the way mine has so many times. For someone who puts in 1/2 the time I do into work but makes 10x (yes 10x, literally 1000%) as much money as I do annually and each of us supported the same number of dependents on those uneven incomes, he fails to realize that my life isn't "easy cuz I'm leeching off my parents". During the initial argument he told me I'd have to quit my job, and I asked if he was going to pay my bills.... what bills? child support, phone, etc.... no. After calming down I'm glad I didn't call the cops because it would have been out of retaliation, but I also know that he crossed a huge boundary that cannot be crossed again. IMO he deserves to be arrested for that, and will be should there be a next time.
This afternoon went far better but yet worse.... I talked to my mom while my dad was still at work. I figured out I was going to treat him like a WAS in a way and set some boundaries and consequences. I also told my mom what I had come up with and she agreed that I should set the boundaries and consequences with my dad, follow through with them should it come to that, and if he retaliates take him up on any offer that he throws out as a guilt trip. Main points:
1 - If dad is violent in any way I will call the cops, it will be a domestic charge so the state will press charges and I will have no rights to drop the charges, and this would also put his practice in jeoparody. This is all secondary to the fact that he has no respect for people other than himself. (the words no respect were my mom's words)
2 - If dad is verbally abusive in front of my children again they will be removed from his home by me. The state has legal custody, my parents have physical custody, I have unsupervised visitation priveleges. I will drive my children straight to social services and drop them off with my caseworker explaining the situation and that I prefer they are placed in foster homes because it will be a more stable environment than my parents' home.
3 - If I do not wake up to my alarm I appreciate the effort in trying to get me to school, but if it's going to come to abusive situations it's not worth the missed day in school, let me sleep.
So far that's my only boundaries, should cover the basics of gaining some respect. If not there's always apartment hunting, and I'm already looking at a place Sunday afternoon just in case. My mom agreed with me on everything, but did point out that when I tell my dad I will turn my own children in to social services he may threaten to take them immediately. I told her if he did I wouldn't put it past myself to say ok fine let's go. That's when my mom brought back the conversation about apartments.... She suggested that since it's a 3 bedroom I saw in the paper and I have 2 young girls that currently share a room she would be willing to talk to the social worker and go 1/2 on the apartment with me to start while she figures out what's going on with her end of things. She may become the next WAW in the chain. Now I just feel plain guilty about putting my parents in this situation in the 1st place, but then she followed with how she hasn't been happy in 5 years because all my dad cares about is his money and how he wished people didn't just use him for it. I thought maybe if he was just a little more approachable, but didn't bring that up, because of course she knows that anyways. Now I'm questioning if my mom has been unhappy for 5 years or if it's just typical WAS language starting. IDK if I'm asking any questions, just had to vent more than anything, but if anyone has any input go for it cuz I'm lost.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
I wonder if it is a bad, bad way of showing that he’s afraid/ashamed that he didn’t do well enough for a father to raise someone who was PERFECT! As a father, I have to say I personalize a lot of my kids problems as things I should’ve done better, not just them. Outwardly, it seems like it is all about them. I’m not justifying his actions, just simplifying them into something that might have a reason. DB has shown me that my W isn’t all doom and gloom – a lot of times she’s experiencing other emotions and showing them in a very, very wrong way.
Calling the cops on your dad will feel good for behaviour like that. Will it actually help? I don’t know what their role was in the custody issues you face, but your kids are better off with them than with a foster agency, I hope that is…
At the same time, boundaries….it’s awesome to see you are thinking of some. Doesn’t he deserve the right to fail while trying a few times? When the kids are under your roof and have more stability, maybe the boundaries could be enforceable without being potentially fireworks.
Your mom’s got a case on her hands, but your own situation shouldn’t affect her chances of finding a balance. My parents always fought mean – I constantly have to fight and suppress that and fail at times. Still, as they age and mellow, they are finding a better understanding and balance. My mom put it as she is accepting being satisfied, while not happy. A change may make her happier, but not necessarily.
I hope someone can pipe in with better ideas for your thoughts from experience, but I hope you’ll find a cautious way to approach a source of stability for you and your kids now while improving the situation.
On any other day, yes, the kids are better off at home... but even just 1 time I have to wonder if he'd repeat it. My D5 is already seeing a therapist for problems caused by marital arguments that never even got close to what this was like. The only time my W ever got physical was within the last month before our separation, and it was quite a lot more provoked than me just sleeping in. I keep comparing the unparallel lives of me & my dad - both of us graduated high school with good grades & active in extra-curriculars. After that it's far too different. He's never touched a cigarette, I've smoked since I was 15. He's never been in legal trouble, I have. He went to 8 or 9 years of college out-of-pocket on his own, then met my mom, got married, & had kids. I went to a 2 year tech school, dropped out, got my GF pregnant, broke up with her, worked fast-food jobs, got tired of fast-food so I went for hotel desk jobs, and at age 26 finally went back to school. To top the cake I had to withdraw from my last semester, something I'm sure he's still not over & probably blames my "lazyness" for. But back to the main point, if he did it once he could do it again. He deserves a second chance, but if he does it twice.... how likely is #3? This was EXTREMELY traumatic for my D5, who told her babysitter & probably some other people. She then came home from head start & told me she was angry at both me & grandpa. I told her we both love her very much & she had every right to be angry at both of us, and she responded very well to it. I also told her neither of us were mad at her, just eachother. I wish he could have heard what she said because she calmed down enough by the time he got home he didn't hear any of it coming out, but it was bad enough to make me cry & my mom was in complete shock about how she said some of the things she said. She left a home with an unstable marriage for a home with another unstable marriage (at least it's not as outwardly visible) and an unstable parent/adult-child relationship. As far as calling the cops or taking the kids to social services I've talked it over with my mom & a few close friends, thought about it all for the 14 1/2 hours since it happened (14 of which I haven't been in rage mode), and it still seems like a more positive alternative for the best interest of the kids. On a more positive note I remembered something my D's counselor and I talked about - even though me living with my parents to be closer to the kids and to get my life straightened out took a lot of swallowing pride, my W thinks it's the easy way out and shows weakness. I really do feel it shows more strength than weakness, but she still sees it as a weakness. Explaining the whole pride thing and what I want vs what I need to do is logic, and we all know where logic goes when applied to a WAS. When things were shakey between me & my parents before this happened the counselor suggested me getting an apartment to improve my feelings about myself, distance myself from my parents because we can have a more stable relationship when not living together, and my W would be more impressed with it all at the same time. Things improved before I got a place so I stayed. I meet with the counselor tomorrow and I know exactly what she's going to say - move out. I still haven't made up my mind but I'm leaning towards moving out. I won't have a chance to talk to my dad until Sat or Sun, probably Sun, so I have some time to think it through more. Thanks for the support.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
OK so long break.... car accident, hospital, jail. I won't go too much into detail, but I woke up from being knocked out to being the only person in a car that had a few more people when the accident actually happened. I paniced, fled, realized I should be in the hospital but was too stupid to go, medicated myself, then went to bed. The police arrested me the next morning & took me to the hospital before jail. Because I fled I was charged with crimes, finally posted bail after being in 9 days when bail was reduced. Physically I'm OK, got some recovery to go but no broken bones. I'm just having shitty luck lately, and yes, I'll admit, shitty decisions accompany those.
My W knows, had a short talk with her OM and a long talk with her (I tried to cut it short but she kept me on the phone as long as she could). I found out she knew the basics of I was in, etc, but didn't know details. I wanted to keep it that way, but when I got back to my phone I had a "what's up" text from a strange number. I responded "not much, just got my phone back, who's this?" Incoming call, same number, how you doing? Ummm.... OK.... who's this? OM - WTF? Short conversation, explained that I posted bail today, W wants to talk. She pressed me for details, I told her basically what was on here, she pressed for more details, IDK I don't remember much (actually the truth), I'll tell you more but I have to take care of a lot of things so I can't talk (repeat 4 times before I was able to hang up, but luckily I was able to get off the hook with little more detail than the above). Unfortunately it was a 14 minute call, but the plus side of that is that's the only 14 min of contact since 1-27-10. She also asked if I had any money left over cuz she needed cigarettes... HA!! Yes, but no. I just asked if she thought they'd leave me any money to live on after posting bail and she said "oh". I think that's a good place to leave it since I have enough to make it til next payday, although not working the last few weeks is going to leave me broke down the road. So what I know about my W's sitch: no cigs, no cash, using a prepaid phone because her Blackberry was shut off, and the transmission on the van went out. I think I'm still doing about equal!
I still haven't talked to my dad more than the 10 min he came to see me in jail. He was just trying to tie up my loose ends, which almost proved disasterous. He almost had me withdrawn from school, and basically stepped in to cancel any appointment I had. I had been looking into an apartment, could have paid 1st month's rent + deposit right out of my checking account (something that is rare for me), but unfortunately that all went to the get out of jail fund, so I'm back at home. Like I said, we still haven't had the talk about the fight in the 1st place, and no talk has happened about this. He made a list of demands, which I can mostly agree to, and lucky for me my mom agrees to my agreements and disputes with the demands.
My road just keeps getting longer, but at least I'm still on a road. I'm glad and very grateful to be back, but it's way past my bedtime. ttyl all.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
Wow Mark, talk about roller coaster. Sounds like you need things to stablize a bit just in general - I can't imagine the stress. How are you doing today - what's your next steps?
